[Willie comes in the kitchen and turns off the TV ALF is watching]
Hey! I wanted to watch Crazy Steve tear a drumstick off that tarantula.
WillieIt's 3:00 in the morning, ALF.
What's time to a spider, Willie?
Willie
Why is the TV in here?
Because I couldn't move the refrigerator out there.
Willie
Don't touch that dial.
I love when you're assertive.
Willie
Go. Sleep. Now.
Can I just ask one bedtime question?
Willie
Yeah, what?
I saw Polka Jamboree tonight. It's really funny. Why does it get such crummy ratings?
Willie
For one thing, it's not supposed to be funny.
Willie
Nobody watches it.
Willie
I thought there was gonna be 1 question here.
This is the bonus round. What happens to a show when it's ratings are bad?
Willie
It gets cancelled.
[gasps] You mean Polka Jamboree could be cancelled?
Willie
We can only hope. Good night, ALF.
Wait, wait. If more people watched Polka Jamboree, the rating would go up right?
Willie
Yes, but that would take a miracle.
Well miracle, huh? Well just call me the miracle worker.
Is this a pirate, or is this a pirate? Lynn?
Willie
Definitely a pirate.
[comes in wearing a costume] Good morning.
Willie
What are you wearing?
A touch of your aftershave.
Willie
I meant those silly glasses.
Silly glasses? Look who's talking. This is my Halloween costume.
Willie
What are you supposed to be?
Gene shalit. Too obscure?
You're not planning on trick-or-treating, are you?
Are you kidding? I can't wait. I'm coming back with a bag full of candy apples, popcorn balls, and cats.
ALF, no one's going to give you a cat.
That's right. You have to bob for cats.
Hey, you look good in Vinyl. How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Happy Halloween everybody!
EEveryone
Happy Halloween!
Willie
Say, what are you doing here?
Greeting the guests. Hey, Tex! Looks like you're putting on weight there. [laughs]
Willie
Could I speak with you in the kitchen just for a moment?
Hey, not now Willie. Your pumpkin's on fire. Ha! His pumpkin is on fire!
Willie
Come here!
BBernice
Well, who is little this guy?
Willie
This is Gordon, everyone. Gordon's an old friend of our family. Bernice, don't mention his height. He's very sensitive.
Hey, cowgirl. Nice calves. Ha! Nice calves! [Willie takes him to the kitchen]
Willie
Okay, mister. I want the truth! And I want it now!
Alright. Your hair is thinning.
Willie
You got a hold of our guest list, didn't you. You called people and told them to wear costumes just so you could come.
You dragged me in here to tell me things I already know?
Willie
On top of that, you invited the Burkes.
Willie
Just tell me why.
Because I really want you to get that promotion. Now get out there and start kissing up.
Willie
I'm not kissing up to anyone, especially not Walter Burke.
I know you wouldn't. That's why I'm here to do it for you. Oh Wollie!
Willie
No wait, wait. You can't go out there. What if they discover that you're an alien?
They won't. They'll think I'm wearing a costume, see?
Willie
Where did you get that zipper?
Well, you know your old jacket that you were gonna throw out?
Willie
Yeah.
Better hang on to it. I ripped this out of your new raincoat.
Willie
Alright, go on and go out there. I don't care. Go on, fine with me. Blow your cover, that's fine! Just do me one favor.
Ok, ok. I'll do my Elvis impression.
Willie
Please keep away from my boss.
No problem, he seems like a yuts anyway. Ok, everybody! Let's tear this place apart!
[ALF is watching a beauty pageant on TV]
Willie
What are you watching?
I think it's a United Nations meeting.
Willie
That's not the United Nations. It's a beauty pageant.
Are you sure? A minute ago, they just asked the ambassador from Spain what she would do for world peace.
Willie
She's not the ambassador. She's a contestant.
Oh. Well that explains why the Swedish ambassador was juggling.
Hey, good water, Kate. Pick up some more of these tomorrow.
That water was for the wedding guests.
I only drank three of these I was trying to get rid of my hiccups.
Willie
What hiccups?
That is the strangest hiccup I've ever heard.
Well, here's another one. [hiccups]
Oh, [hiccups] yes. You're the first humans who've ever heard the dreaded "Melmacian" hiccups.
Willie
What is it that makes them so dreaded, besides that irritating metallic echo?
That irritating metallic echo gets louder and louder, day by day, week by week, year by, [hiccup] year.
How many years are we talking about?
I'm not sure. [hiccup] My uncle Tinkle had them for 50 years.
[Willie and Kate come inside the garage]
Willie
Hi, ALF, how's it going? [ALF hiccups] About the same, huh?
What are you looking for?
My Melmacian Medical Encyclopedia. I might have a cure for the hiccups. Here. Hold this Willie. [he gives Willie his nuclear waste from his spaceship]
Willie
What is it?
It's just nuclear waste from my spaceship. Oh hey, don't worry. Life here will exist as long as the lid doesn't pop off. [short pause] Oh, wait. These are my crayons.
What does this encyclopedia look like?
I don't remember. I only used it once.
Willie
Could this be it?
Oh yeah, that's it. The furry home companion.
Isn't it thin for an encyclopedia?
Our bodies aren't that complicated. [hiccup] We have 10 major organs. 8 of which are stomachs.
Willie
I would have guessed all 10.
[reading from the book] Let's see. Stomach aches, Stomach flu, stomach transplants. Here we are. Hiccups. Hey! All I have to do, is drink a glass of cat juice. No problem.
Willie
What is Cat juice?
Well, it's kind of like orange juice, but instead of juicing an orange you squeeze juice a-
Willie
I don't want to hear it.
Then cover your ears. [Willie covers his ears] Cat!
Willie
I heard it.
You were warned. [hiccup]
There's got to be another cure.
There is, but you don't want to hear it. It's disgusting.
[Willie comes to the garage while ALF is looking at a train model]
Hey Willie? Is this the kind of train you used to hop?
Willie
Well, the others were bigger, of course, and they didn't run around in circles. But basically, Yeah.
Willie
Well, here's what I'd do, you see. I'd case the yard, I'd hide in a bush and wait until dark and when I saw my train was pulling out, I'd just go make a run for it.
Wow. Well did it ever get so dark, you jumped on the wrong thing? Like a bus or parade?
Willie
Ask sensible questions, ALF.
Okay. Which one is the kitchen car?
Willie
There wasn't any kitchen car. I sat in a box car. I ate beans out of a can. That's how I got my traveling name.
Willie
"Boxcar Willie."
Wow. What a cool name! Hey can I have your autograph?
Willie
No, no.
Willie
Well, I guess.
[Kate and Brian come to the garage]
Willie, are you sure you don't want to go to my mother's with us?
Willie
Yeah. Positive.
If dad doesn't have to go, why do I?
Because you're my son, and I can tell you what to do.
Willie
Oh, it's my autograph. ALF wanted it.
Well we'll be back in a couple hours. Now don't get into any trouble.
Don't worry about Willie. I'll keep an eye on him.
I know. I was being playful.
Willie
Bye bye.
Now's our chance. Let's go down to the train yard.
Willie
No, we're not hopping any train.
I'm not talking about riding the rails. I just want to see them. Please, Willie. Pleeeease?
Willie
No, we can't. Really ALF, we can't.
Alright, tell me when this gets annoying. Yeah, yeah, you hopped a freight train, sure. Oh right. Yeah, yeah. I almost believed that. Uh huh, yeah, yeah. Look at Mr. Excitement.
Willie
Forget it, ALF. It's not working.
Okay, I'll try something else. Willie, please take me to see the trains. I haven't had an adventure in a long time. All right, maybe this will work. Willie, I'm dying. [coughs] I've only got twenty four hours to live. Twenty five, tops.
Willie
Okay, come on.
Willie
I bought the second thing you said.
Oh. Well what was it? I might want to use it again sometime.
Willie
Come on. Bring a sweater.
[ALF and Willie are at a train yard]
Willie
Boy, there's nothing like a train yard at night.
Yeah, it is peaceful. [a train whistle blows] Aaaah! What's that thing?
Willie
That's the train.
It makes the one you have look like a toy.
Willie
That's really something, isn't it? You know that engine alone weighs over seventy-five tons? Do you know what would happen if I put a penny on that track?
The train would de-rail and all the bums would spill their beans.
Willie
The penny would be flat.
Willie, pennies are already flat.
YGYard Guard
Hey, who's out there?
Willie
Uh oh, that's the guard.
You mean that guy with the seeing-eye dog? Huh, big deal!
Willie
That's no seeing-eye dog. That's a doberman pincher.
Yikes! Don't let him pinch me!
Willie
ALF!
YGYard Guard
Hey, get away from that train!
Willie
ALF, jump!
Run, boxcar, run! [Willie jumps into the boxcar] All aboard! Hey, I always wanted to say that.
Willie
Well you got your wish!
And you got yours, too. We're riding the rails, Willie. Ain't it grand!
Willie
No, it ain't! Now the train's going too fast! We can't get off!
You're acting like this is all my fault.
Willie
Well, isn't it?
I was hoping we could share.
Willie
How many more things can there be? [ALF comes out] What was all that noise?
I don't know. As grandpa satchel used to say, "Don't look back. Something might be broken."
In this case it's my casserole dish and the cookie jar.
Willie
I'm going to see a musical.
Musicals are dumb. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Willie
Hence the term "musical."
Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing: [singing] Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey-
Willie
It's getting on my nerves.
See what it means? What this called?
Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
They're not real cats; they're actors.
Yech! I'll pass. How come you're not going your mate Kate?
Well, uh- Actually, do you remember when we left you alone, and you blew up the kitchen?
Oh, yeah. I get nervous just thinking about it.
Well, I'm not going because I don't feel well. I have a fever. I have a slight fever.
Oh, let me press my lips against your forehead.
You don't sound that sick. Is there something wrong between you two?
You wouldn't lie to the old ALFer?
Willie
No.
Because I always tell the truth. Example, your socks are limp.
Willie
Bye.
Have a good time. [kisses Willie]
And those glasses make you look owlish.
Willie
Bye, ALF.
Did I mention he has a funny walk?
[at the end, Willie ends up getting sick thanks to ALF]
Honey, I just don't feel good about leaving you like this.
Willie
Well, no, you go. There's no use both of us staying home just because I'm sick. Say hello, say hello to your mother for me.
Okay. [kisses Willie] I'll be thinking about you. [she leaves the house]
Willie
Oh, she's going to her mother's.
Without you? Oh, I get it. Lynn's on her ski trip and you don't trust me to be alone.
Willie
No, sure we do, ALF, but I'm sick. I-I caught cold because somebody hosed me down in my own bedroom.
Willie
ALF!
Come on! Get up and go to your mother-in-law.
Willie
No!
Willie
Alright.
Gee, Willie, you do look a little pale. You might be coming down with something. You better lie down.
Willie
Oh, thanks. That's a good idea.
Willie
Okay.
Willie
Thanks, ALF. You're a good friend.
Hey, anything for my Willie. You want me to press my lips up against your forehead?
[Willie gets shocked when ALF comes closer to him as the episode ends]
Interesting concept, the pencil. Where did it come from?
Willie
Well, I've heard a number of theories on that.
How about the shortest one?
Willie
The stationery store.
Willie
Say, that's a voter registration application.
Boy, can't put one over on you.
Willie
You can't vote, ALF, you're not a citizen.
I'll apply for a green card.
Willie
That's only if you want a job.
[the family is playing charades]
No fair! You were giving him hand signals to help him guess.
Willie
ALF, that's how you play charades.
Oh. Well, let me try! Alright, uh-
The Brother from Another Planet?
No, no, you're all wrong, it's The Man Who Would Be King.
ALF · 397 quotes
