[the Tanners arrive at their hotel room]
Willie, this place is really nice. I'm kind of surprised.
WillieMe, too. The hotel is great. I keep looking for the catch.
BBill
[comes in the room] Hello, you must be the Tanners, I'm Bill Lowman, sales manager for Rancho Estates.
Willie
I was expecting you.
BBill
No, no, Mr. Tanner. You were expecting the hard sell. And there is no need to worry about that.
Willie
Good.
BBill
Because after you see this slideshow, you will be begging me to sell you a home. [opens the cabinet and plays the video on TV]
Willie
Would it be okay if we look at this later?
Willie
Much later.
BBill
Oh, absolutely. No problem. You know you folks should first enjoy some tennis some swimming and some fishing. And if you need me, I'll be following you in a golf cart. [he leaves]
Willie
You know, we expected a sales pitch. That's no reason why we still can't enjoy ourselves. [opens the door and gets shocked when he sees ALF] ALF!
[the Tanner family gets very shocked of seeing ALF being in the trip]
Let's clear this off. Are you or are you not happy to see me?
Willie
How did you get here?
I stood away, in Kate's suitcase.
Oh, no. Now, I'll have my hair all over your clothes.
Take it easy, your clothes are hair free and hanging neatly in the closet back home.
What am I suppose to wear here?
Well, I love what you've got on now. Perfect for every occasion.
Willie
ALF, we trusted you to stay out of trouble.
I trusted you to get my toaster but I don't see it anywhere let alone hear it but the fact is I felt neglected. I'm a member of this family too you know. I just wanted to be with the people I love. And get that toaster.
[knocking on the door] Hey Tanner, guess what! We have adjoining rooms! Open up!
Brian, quick, you better hide ALF in the bedroom.
Alright, but don't start that slideshow without me.
[the Ochmoneks come inside the Tanner's house]
Hi. Dad, it's the Ochmoneks. And Jake.
Hi, tall, teenage, and tantalizin'.
Willie Any requests?
Yeah. Go jump in the lake and take your CB with ya.
Willie What?
Everyone thinks that you're taking this neighborhood watch thing far too seriously.
Willie
Have I, as the Sentinel done something that's offended you?
Let us just say we don't want to be involved anymore. We're turning in our code names.
Cross The Phantom and Lolita off your list.
The Litwaks and Mrs. Byrd are droppin' out too.
Willie
I guess I got a little carried away, huh?
Willie
I'm sure I didn't say. Horsemeat. I'm sure that I said something nice that just sounded like.
At any rate, don't try to contact us. We're on our way outta town.
We're going to Tijuana to do some shopping. We have a whole house to refurnish. Come on, Jake.
Can't I stay with the Tanners? I'm allergic to kitsch.
Go, enjoy. Drink the water. Adios!
I told you, you can't stay here unless Willie invites you to stay, of his own free will, without being pushed into it.
Willie
Of course, Jake is more than welcome to stay.
Well, alright then. See you manana.
Right behind you, Phantom. [he and Raquel leave]
Willie
If you two will excuse me there's a little matter I have to discuss with ALF.
Oh, take your time, sir. We'll be fine. Oh, uh, could you dim the lights on your way out? [hops on the sofa]
No problem. [gets up and turns off the light]
[answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's ALF.
Willie
Would you tell him to come in here if he wants to talk to me?
Dad said that you're gonna have to come in here if you want to talk to him. He says that's gonna be a problem.
Willie
Hello, ALF.
[on the phone at the Ochmoneks] Oh, Willie! Willie! Willie! What have I done?
Willie
I don't know, ALF. What have you done?
Did you see Dog Day Afternoon?
Willie
Where are you?
GGriswald
[on megaphone] The house is surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
Please hold. Uh, no dice! I'm armed, I'm dangerous and I'm off my medication.
Hey! Hey! The cops have somebody cornered in my house!
As you may have gathered, Willie. I'm in big trouble.
Willie
You're always in trouble.
Yeah, but even on the ALF scale this one's a humdinger. I need help.
Willie
What happened, ALF?
Long story short, I saw a burglar at the Ochmonek's and scared him away. Now, I'm trapped and I'm scared. Oh, the irony of it all.
Willie
Well, can't you make a run for it?
I take it you didn't see the end of Butch Cassidy either.
Willie
No, I didn't.
But you've got to do something, ALF. They might storm the house.
Willie
Oh, yeah.
I've got hostages in here! Think that'll hold them? Or should I say that the hostages are nuns?
Willie
No nuns. None. [I'm coming over.
Okay, but hurry! I don't think these guys will give you much of a grace period if you catch my drift.
Willie
[hangs up the phone] ALF's trapped at the Ochmonek's.
Willie
I'm going over.
No! You're staying here. It's too dangerous.
Yeah, you might lose your cool when the bullets start flyin'.
Willie
Bullets? There'll be bullets?
Jake, that is ridiculous. Willie, be careful.
Willie
Oh, uh, I will. By the way, how did Butch Cassidy end?
They were gunned down by the Bolivian army.
Yeah, it was really cool.
Willie
I can dig it.
[Willie and Kate come to the garage and find out that ALF took most of the furniture from the house as Willie turns off the radio that ALF is listening to]
Oh, hi. Oh a housewarming gift, how nice. [he takes the pillow but Willie takes it away from him]
Who told you could bring this furniture out here?
Willie
I did not!
You said I could bring something from the house.
Willie
I said something. Not everything! In all fairness, you did not make that point clear.
Well, I didn't take that hideous Statue of Liberty clock.
That clock was a gift from my mother.
Did I say hideous? I meant lovely. As lovely as your mother. [microwave dings] That must be the microwave. Brisket anyone?
FORGET THE BRISKET! ALF, I want you to take everything back into the house tonight. And I emphasize the word everything!
Willie
And I emphasize the word TONIGHT!
And if you don't, you will be living out here permanently!
I noticed you emphasized the word permanently. Wait, don't go! Please can we sit down and talk this out just give me 1 minute.
Alright, fine. Yes, you have 1 minute.
Thank you. Hey Willie, don't sit there, that's my chair.
Willie
That was my chair on the house.
Well, we're not in the house.
Well that's not fair! Willie talk to penalize him.
What are you mission control?
30 seconds, I just had a minute half a minute ago.
Forget the minute! Just say what you have to say!
Uh, uh. No! No! I need human companionship! I don't know how I ever got along without it, but now I'm hooked. I'm a people junkie. Please don't go.
Willie
Oh, you go ahead Kate. I'll sit on here with him for a while.
Willie, what are you doing?
Willie
It seems like he really misses us.
Willie, he's got our furniture, and our brisket now he's after us!
Willie
Oh, you're right, of course. You're right. You're staying in the garage without us, and without our brisket!
Kate, wait please! Give me another chance I know I could change just let me move back inside for 1 week and I'll prove it to you. I'll be on my best behavior!
What if during this week you don't change?
Then, Willie and I will move out here for good.
Alright you've got a deal.
Willie
Kate! I don't want to move out here.
Oh, I did mean that was part of- The deal is you stay in the house for 1 week, but if you mess up, you're history.
Hey, no problem! [the flower vase breaks] The week hasn't started yet, right?
Hi Tanner, who painted your fence? It looks great!
Willie
I don't what you're talking about. [walks over to the window] Wow! That looks great.
Willie
Uhhh.
Oh, it's your birthday present. I hope I didn't ruin the surprise.
Willie
No, I was going to look out the window soon, anyway.
Willie
I'll be 45 in August.
That's 6 months away. It ain't your birthday. You just had your fence painted to keep up with the Ochmonek's. Well I'm not gonna tell you where I brought my fluorescent flamingos.
Willie
We blew it.
Hey, Kate, great looking breakfast.
Willie
Just for the week.
Do me a favor. Don't mention it to Raquel.
Thanks, she went ape when she found out you had a vacuum cleaner. Hey, listen. Have jeeves, give me a jingle. I might want him to paint my flamingos. [he gets a banana and leaves the house]
Willie
Will do.
[comes in the kitchen] Willie, there's something wrong with the bathtub.
Willie
It's probably clogged with ALF's hair again. He refuses to vacuum himself before he takes a bath.
No, it's the faucet. There's no water coming out.
Willie
There's no water here either.
[outside] Hey, could you turn that off? I'm losing pressure out here.
Willie
Say, what exactly are you doing out there?
Willie
He said surprise.
Willie
ALF, what are you?
Watch out Willie, it's a little slippery.
Willie
[from outside] Whoa! [falls into the lagoon]
Surprise! Well, what do you think?
Willie's swimming in the lagoon I built. It's just like the one on Gilligan's Island. From now on, life around here will be much more exciting. [Willie screams] See, it's exciting already.
Willie
How would you like to be buried at sea?
You're not happy about this, are you?
Just tell us why you did it.
Willie
What?
Don't try to worm your way out of this one. You said we'd build a lagoon.
Willie
I said we'd build a little lagoon, not the Great Tanner Reef!
Okay, I misunderstood. I'm sorry. I made a boo-boo.
Willie
A boo-boo? [pause] I want my yard back the way it was. I want trees I can trim. I want grass I can mow. [angrily] NO WATER, NO HUT! AND YOU ARE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE UNTIL I GET IT! Have I made myself clear?
What? Are you talking to me?
[as the Professor sets up the TV, the castaways get ready to watch their favorite TV show]
Sit down Professor, we can't see.
I'm adjusting the vertical hold.
Vertical hold? Looks like a coconut to me.
Give me the hat, Skipper.
TATV Announcer
And now it's time for The Adventures of the Tanner Family.
TATV Announcer
Starting Willie Tanner as Dad, Kate Tanner as Mom, Lynn Tanner as their daughter, and Brian Tanner as himself. This week's episode "Brian Takes a Bath".
Oh boy, this is my favorite.
I never had a bath for 23 years.
[on TV] That meatloaf was delicious, mom.
[on TV] Well, I hope you have room for some apple pie.
Apple pie. I haven't had that in 23 years.
That meatloaf sounds so delicious too.
I'd like to have something to eat that didn't fall out of a tree.
[on TV] Can I have some water, Dad?
Willie
[on TV] You can have lots of water, son. You're taking a bath.
How does Willie come up with that stuff?
The great ones make it look so easy.
Why was that funny? These are the most entertaining people in the world and you ask why was it funny.
Besides, they can do things we only dream of. They eat balanced meals.
They change their clothes.
They don't hit each other with hats.
Actually, they are pretty entertaining. Can I watch a little?
Don't you have some dirt to shovel?
I can shovel dirt back home.
You're a castaway now, fuzzy buddy.
I don't want to be a castaway. I thought this place would be fun. Now I realize, it's only fun in half hour chunks.
Willie
[on TV] But you wanted to be on Gilligan's Island. That's where the fun never stops. Remember? Remember? Remember?
I was wrong. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. [his dreams ends as he begins to wake up while Willie walks up to him] Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home. Wanna go home.
Willie
ALF. Wake up. Hey.
Oh, Willie! You came all the way out here to rescue me!
Willie
It wasn't really all that far, ALF. I was just in the kitchen.
Ooh. Well listen, I was wrong. Adventure isn't on some unchartered desert isle. It's right here in your own backyard. What's left of it?
Willie
That's good to hear, ALF. I'll see you later.
Well, don't I get to come with you? What about all that mindless treacle I just oozed?
Willie
As treacle goes, it's pretty sweet. Too bad it didn't fill up the hole. Get to work.
[running inside the house and hides in the closet] Red alert! Red alert! Alien coming through!
What was ALF running for?
[inside the closet] Occupied!
Willie
ALF knows that's not a bathroom, doesn't he?
Willie
ALF. ALF! Say, ALF, what's going on?
[doorbell rings]
[inside the closet] Get the front door, Willie. It may be self evident.
Kate, Willie! It was horrifying, simply horrifying! It had a long and two big.
Raquel, please don't do this. She's imagining things.
I'm not imaging things! There's a monster loose in the neighborhood.
Willie
Are you going to form an angry mob?
I saw it in your backyard. I could swear I've seen it once before.
What did this monster look like?
Uh, like bigfoot. Only little. It ran behind your garage. It might still be there.
Maybe we should go have a look.
Raquel, I'm sure there's nothing out there.
Fine! You just tell that to it!
Willie
Will you tell it that I would like to speak to him.
[Lynn opens the door]
Bigfoot? She's one to talk. I could shoot the rapids in one of her gunboats.
[Willie and Kate found out that ALF left the Tanners]
You want to get the coffee?
Willie
Sure.
I'll get the eggs. [sighs] Well, I see ALF's had his breakfast.
Willie
At least he didn't eat the tape recorder. [finds ALF's note] What is this?
Probably his grocery list.
Willie
Kate, listen. [reads ALF's note] "Dear Earth family, the depth of my shame is so great. I've decided to leave. Press play for further details." [he press play on ALF's tape as he hears opera playing] "That's my "Carmen" tape".
[singing on his tape and makes his announcement] "Yo, Tanners, it's me ALF. Hope you don't mind me recording over your Carmen tape."
Willie
No, no, your version is much better.
[on tape] "As you now know, I'm not there. I've decided to run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes."
What does he know of life's vicissitudes? I still have to put up the toilet seat for him.
[on tape] "Perhaps 1 day when I can deal with my seedy lineage I will see you all again. Farewell. I love you all. Now back to more classical music." [sings opera until the tape is turned off]
Willie, where could he have gone?
Willie
Heaven only knows.
[Willie is listening to ALF's recording]
[on tape] As you now know, I'm not there. I've run away to a place where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
[comes to the living room] Willie, I couldn't find him anywhere.
Willie
Well, where could a 3 foot, hairy alien go and not be conspicuous?
Steven Spielberg's house?
[Brian comes to the living room]
Willie
Any sign of him, Bri?
No. But my Friar Tuck costume is gone. Maybe he went to Sherwood Forest.
No, Bri. Sherwood Forest is in England. ALF only took enough food to get to Canada.
Willie
Oh, it's hard to explain, Bri. Y-you'll understand when you're older.
Willie
Well, older than me. I'm still trying to figure it out.
[arrives home] Nothing. Where could he have gone?
Willie
Someplace where peace and tranquility allow for the contemplation of life's vicissitudes.
Well, that's what he said on the tape.
No, no, uh, besides that. Wait a minute, ALF wanted me to send my allowance to a bunch of monks. Listen to this. [reads ALF's note] "Peace and tranquility, life's vicissitudes." It's from the Brothers of the Peaceful Dominion.
That's it! He's joined a monastery.
Willie
I'm sorry.
Willie
Face it, ALF, you're not monk material.
Well yes I am. I came with all the qualifications. Sloth, Greed, Gluttony.
Willie
Those are the Seven Deadly Sins.
I thought the Seven Deadly Sins were those guys from Snow White.
Willie
Those are the Seven Dwarfs.
We prefer to call them "little people".
Willie
Come on home, ALF. We miss you. Nobody cares about your past.
Well, gee, I don't know. Tonight's my turn to bang the dinner gong.
Willie
ALF.
Okay, you got a deal. You came all this way to get me. If you want me back so badly. You deserve me.
Willie
Oh, thanks, ALF.
Well, just give me a second to say goodbye to the bros, okay? Yo, I'm leaving! [the monks cheer] I thought this was a silent order.
ALF · 397 quotes
