Ross quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.

Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.

You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.

There has got to be a way to cool off.

(thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)

Good idea! okay.

Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!

Oh. Ross, what is going on here?

It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?

I don't know, I guess you're right.

Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.

Ross, this is a pool for a little child.

This is a program for a little child.

Ross, we can't go swimming in this pool. There's no...liquid in it.

Oh. Well...then nobody's going to drown.

Alasdair, (writing "H2O" on a chalkboard) can you tell me what that means? (The other kids laugh.)

No.

You don't know?

Of course I know, I'm just not gonna say it, that's all.

Alasdair, you are gonna give me the answer or I'm gonna punish you again.

Ross, you're doing this deliberately, aren't you? You're just trying to set me up!

Get over here. Come on, Alasdair, move. (Alasdair heads over near Ross) Oh, I wish I'd been a teacher all along! I could have been mean to kids every day of the week! Put your hand out!

What do you mean put my hand out?

Alasdair, either you hold out your hand or you say "water".

Well, Ross, I think you've said it all.

Hi. Today's show is about something that some of us have a lot of and some of us hardly have any of.

You must mean money, Adam.

No, no, Chris. I mean enemies. Today's show is about enemies and [looking at the script] par-parano--

That's "paranoia", Adam.

Well, what does paranoia-- whatever you--

That word there, the one you can't say right? Paranoia is the feeling that no one likes you, that everybody hates you.

Ah, I guess you know all about that, then.

What's that? What's happening?!

[running in] THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! [screams and runs off]

Ross, are you okay?

Now that's paranoia. Not to mention bad grammar.

There! Five minutes. That about to be enough time for you to clean your language young man!

Oh Ross, get me something to wash the taste away!

Like what?

Water, anything, quick!

(Bleep, bleep, bleep)!

(Talking to the producer) I agree.

(Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!

Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.

(Bleep, bleep, bleep)!

How about five minutes more?

(Bleep, bleep, bleep).

Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)

[screaming] ADAM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I'm cleaning the windows...

NO, YOU'RE NOT!

But we agreed for ten dollars I'd clean the windows.

ADAM, WHEN YOU WASH THE WINDOWS, YOU SHUT THEM FIRST!

You're the one inside, you do that!

YOU'RE FIRED! [slams the window]

First she yells at me, then she fires me, my own mother! [Points the sprayer at the camera. The screen turns to static]

[voiceover] ALL RIGHT! ADAM, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE FIRED!

Ross, here's your stupid toothbrush. I cleaned every toilet in the entire building. What now?

Vanessa, I am tough, but I am a fair man. Now, I want you to do something to benefit yourself. Brush your teeth with it. Up and down, not sideways.

So seeing as Doug was so stupid as to get himself slimed and ruin that beautiful uniform, he is not able to go with the rest of us to the Big Apple, New York City.

Alright! Suckers!

Ross, you insist on making us wear these ridiculous outfits and on going to boring museums, then we just won't go.

You don't have much choice, do you?

Yes, we do, Ross. Yes we do. Man is born free, but is everywhere in reins and silly uniforms. We hold these truths to be self-evident that no taxation without representation and that America will always be--

Adam, stop being revolting.

Ross, what Adam is trying to say is that you make us go to New York in these silly stupid uniforms, we will all say...

I don't...

NO!

Wasn't the way we planned it, but I guess it worked okay.

We've decided that during each link on this show, somebody is going to say those fateful words.

What magic words, Ross?

I d-... you know what words, Carlos. Now say them.

Me? Why should I say them? No way!

I am ordering you to!

Ross, I don't know who you think you are, but...

...but there is no way, I'm going to get green slimed.

Vanessa, how does it feel to be back on the show this time around?

Well, at first I thought it was going to be awful, but actually it's not that bad.

Oh yeah? It's all right now, but wait until we really get into this show. We found out there's a lot of stuff that you owe us.

Oh really? Like what?

What's this?!

Well Vanessa, it just so happens that that Adoption show that I mentioned, you said the magic words and the slime did not come down. So, you owe us one.

But Ross, that's not fair! I didn't even say "I don't know."

We appreciate your generosity Vanessa, but you only owed us one not two slimes.

Ross, I wasn't being generous.

Oh, of course not. You're stupid like the old days.