Kevin quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Uh oh...

Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!

Uh, no Mom!

Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.

I've got a boy in here with me!

Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.

Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!

Just as it was getting interesting!

What do we do now?

Got any cards?

All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.

Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.

I think it's a terrific homework assignment.

But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.

Doug, did you know that ol' Barth has a contract with the producer of TV commercials?

Why would anyone give Barthy a contract?

Oh, that's easy. You see, when the producers want to make the commercial about stomach pains, ol' Barth provides the burgers to give all the actors indigestion.

Dah, I heard that! Pays good, too.

All right class, now your homework assignment for tonight. I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. Okay, that's it. Class dismissed.

That lousy creep giving us an assignment like that. It's not fair.

I thought that was a pretty good homework assignment.

No, it wasn't, it was a lousy homework assignment.

What, watching television?

Exactly. You know I never do any of my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV shows.

Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?

Oh, uh, I don't know. [braces for the green slime, but nothing happens]

Christine?

I don't know. [she also braces for the slime, which again fails to fall]

Lisa?

[excitedly] Oh! Yes sir, I know!

Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."

Ah, but Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.

[leaving Blip's Arkaid] Oh, uh, Blip, thanks for taking me.

Don't you mean "Thanks for having me"?

No, I mean thanks for taking me for every cent I've got.

Oh, no trouble. Any time you've got a pocket full of loose change, drop in.

You know, Barthy runs a pretty clean place here.

Clean? You call this place clean? Why, even the rats wouldn't be caught dead here.

Yeah, and if they did, they'd end up in the burger mix, anyway.

[looking at the book of manners] Here's a really strange habit: drooling. Kevin, do you drool?

Well, yeah, all the time.

You drool?

Well, yeah, every time I see a really pretty girl, I drool.

I've never seen you drool.

No, me, neither.

Well, of course not. I said every time I see a pretty girl.

[holding the book up to Kevin's face] Kevin, look closely at that word. [She slams the book in his nose.]

Kevin, what does an apple a day keep away?

A doctor.

Right. Very good. Now, Lisa, what does a nine in time save?

Stitches.

Right! Now we are getting somewhere. What can we conclude from all this?

I know. If Luke would only get to school every day on time and stop throwing apples at your car, well then, he wouldn't need the doctor or the stitches.

Do you still think you could be a doctor when you grow up, Kevin?

Sure do. Check this out. (He writes something on a paper, than hands it to Alasdair.)

I can't a word of this writing.

Well, I'm halfway there already.

Good morning. Do you know what a joy it is to walk in here and see those beaming faces? In the staff lounge, the teachers and I were just saying how wonderful it is to teach you. I mean, you're so well-behaved and always do your homework and never give us any trouble.

Is that all true, sir? Do you really say all those nice things about us when you have meetings with those other teachers?

You out of your tree, Kubusheskie? This is an Opposite Skit! Get your algebra books out immediately, pages 17 to 849.

What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.

Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.

Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?

"Backpack-Man", of course.

Of course.

Now class, as we are going on a field trip, I think it is most important [points to the word "BASEX" written on the blackboard] that we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me what are the four natural elements of the universe? ... Lisa?

Earth.

Right, that's one. Kevin?

Air.

Yeah, that's right, that's two. Christine?

Uh... fire!

Right! And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

Yeah, but I'm not going to.

Well Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

Well, either way I get something dumped on me. [gets a look of resignation on her face] Okay, water.

[laughing] Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?

[sighing] Yes, Mom...

Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!

Well, fine, what do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!

Yes.

Yes, what?

Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...

Oh no, too late!