Veronica Mars quotes from Veronica Mars

Lamb

So, I guess you know why you're here. You want to tell me about it?

Veronica

Okay. [exhales deeply] I confess. [pounds fist] God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my Dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.

Lamb

He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.

Veronica

Well, that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated David Caruso?

Lamb

What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? [slides a folder of photos to her]

Veronica

Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for Whitesnake. I was singing backup for Boyz II Men. They said it would never work, but -

Lamb

I'm glad that you find this amusing.

Veronica

My Dad spend the night at your place?

Wallace

Yep.

Veronica

He do the A.M. doughnut fake-out run?

Wallace

[pulls out paper bag] Want one?

Weevil

Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the 187. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling?

Veronica

You know the deal, cuz. Every time some kitty cries in this town, one-time tries to put a call on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?

Weevil

You rub my head, and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.

Weevil

Look, should I be expecting a visit from Lamb? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?

Veronica

You should really do that anyway.

Homecoming season is upon us...

Veronica

Much like the plague.

Veronica

It sounds like you don't need a photographer from the "Neptune Navigator" who knows how to shoot your good side.

Keith

I got nothing but good sides, baby.

Veronica

It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all 'Howard Hughes-y' on me.

I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.

Veronica

Ew.

Veronica

[reciting The Big Lebowski] I'm not Mr. Lebowski, you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the dude...so that's what you call me...either that or uh dudeness, duder, El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Veronica, you need to stop being The Dude.

Veronica

Stoner Bowler doesn't do it for you?

A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.

Veronica

These lips? I've had them for years, I can't do a thing with them.

Logan

Seriously, though. I was reading 'The Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide,' and we should come up with, like, some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.

Veronica

Like "scram"?

Logan

I was thinking..."awkward." But scram is good. Or "amscray." [Opens the door to see Kendall] You're not my grilled cheese.

Kendall

No. [Notices Veronica and Duncan sitting on the couch] iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

Veronica

Like this big. [gestures with her thumb and finger]

Logan

My codeword will be..."endurance."

[kisses Veronica's neck] Weren't we doing something?

Veronica

We were making out on the couch and then that happened. [points to the room Logan and Kendall just entered]

Keith

Look who got an invite to the Sheriff Department's Fundraiser/Bachelor Auction.

Veronica

Please say "Veronica Mars."

Keith

Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can. I'm wondering if they'll sell Sheriff Lamb by the pound.

All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

Veronica

All right, Gia, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.

Dick

Yeah, let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.

Gia

I heard her husband left her for a man.

Dick

And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.

Gia

Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.

Gia

Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

Veronica

Your trellis is a whore.

Madison

Pretty Woman is still my favorite movie. Vivian is, like, my hero.

Veronica

She's a hooker.

Gia

Only because she had to be.

Veronica

She's a hooker.

Keith

When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

Veronica

Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.

Keith

You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. [notices smell and starts sniffing Veronica's jacket]

Veronica

Whoa, you two need to be alone?

Keith

I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.

Veronica

Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Good Night, Moon."

Keith

[holds out jacket] 'Splain.

Logan

Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.

Veronica

Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.

Logan

Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.

Veronica

Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.

Logan

Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.

Clemmons

Look, I'm just the vice-principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the principal, so -

Veronica

So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead?

Clemmons

Yes... Exactly.