Mac Mackenzie quotes from Veronica Mars

Mac

[to Veronica] With your sleuth prowess and my programming skills, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that we would rule the entire known universe.

Mac

If college is a boy buffet, she's got two full plates and a purse full of boys wrapped in napkins.

Mac

Look at her...she's like boynip.

Mac

[sighs] I have "There's Got to Be a Morning After" stuck in my head. If I start singing, kill me.

Veronica

Oh, God.

Mac

What?

Veronica

My outbox. There's an e-mail from me to my ex-boyfriend.

Mac

Duncan Kane? [Veronica looks at Mac] You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are. Just... a different way. So, what does it say?

Veronica

"Dear Duncan, I want you to know that I still love you very much, and I think about you constantly. Everytime I see you, my heart breaks. I need to tell you that when we were dating, I had VD. I hope you didn't catch anything from me." Am I naked? Because in my nightmares, I'm usually naked.

Mac

What did you ever do before you met me?

Veronica

Ever see the first 10 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey? It was a lot like that.

Veronica

What's this four-week gap here?

Mac

Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.

Veronica

Do you know why?

Mac

I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.

Veronica

The show's still on?

Mac

A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.

Veronica

Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?

Mac

Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.

Veronica

I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]

Mac

Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

Mac

Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just tip me off when you're going public.

Beaver

You know, I think that might be illegal.

Mac

Still... you're admiring my moxie, aren't you?

Beaver

Something like that.

Veronica

I need you to get me into a restricted website.

Mac

Sure, what's the address?

Veronica

I don't know.

Mac

What's it for?

Veronica

It's a Neptune High gay chat room.

Mac

Veronica, you're not...

Veronica

No, I'm just curious. [chuckles] Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. Here we go. Work your funky magic. [beat] And... nothing. What's the problem? [Mac stares at Veronica without speaking] ...You set it up, didn't you?

Mac

This serves as a preemptive apology for the conversation that's about to take place. Okay, and... Beaver and I occasionally, you know, make out.

Veronica

I made out once, back in the day. I think he had me pinned up against a woolly mammoth.

Mac

So, not that I'm an expert in this stuff, but four months, typical high school boy - there should be some... under-the-bra action, no?

Veronica

Let me consult my 'Idiot's Guide to Wanton Behavior': basically, you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person you know?

Mac

Um, "slutty" is your word choice. Mine was "worldly."

Veronica

So four months and nada?

Mac

Hand holding, kissing.

Veronica

Tongue?

Mac

Some tongue.

Veronica

Ass grabbing?

Mac

Helped me brush the dog hair off my pants once.

Veronica

Mac Attack, what's the haps?

Mac

I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell-phone interceptor and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to "end of the day"? Why wasn't that working?

Veronica

Everyone still kept bringing in their cell-phone interceptors?

Mac

Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from a buddy at Radio Shack because, apparently, I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Beaver's cell phone calls. [Veronica is silent] You're judging me.

Veronica

Nope. I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell phone interceptor?

Mac

Please, respect the business model, Veronica. I do the gadgets. You do the actual espionage.

Butters

That was your secret knock?

Veronica

The genius is its simplicity.

Butters

We have exactly eleven minutes before my dad gets back. The box is under there.

Mac

Wow, Butters, this is - this is way cool of you.

Butters

Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer, so, don't worry about that.

Mac

[confused] Oh... okay. I'll try not to...

Butters

Well, I don't have to dance, though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation.

Veronica

Look! Fake vomit - courtesy of locker 213. And whoever is in locker 792 is sans one "Smell it, Bitch" T-shirt.

Butters

So, Mac, what color dress are you wearing?

Mac

I'm actually wearing pants.

Butters

[laughs] I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue, and your dress is red and you think I'm an idiot.

Mac

Veronica?

Veronica

Please, get a room. In Australia.

Wallace

Hey, we're practicing for the prom.

Veronica

What debutante bit you and turned you into prom zombie?

Jackie

[waves] We just gave in, the whole nine yards - the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, and limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?

Mac

Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters.

Veronica

Mac, I didn't think he'd actually -

Mac

He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine, we're having dinner on a replica pirate ship, and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm going to fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle, and I'm going to jump off the top of -

Clemmons

[over loudspeaker] Attention students: due to a significant number of alcohol related violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled. That is all.

Mac

Yes! Prayer works!

Weevil

This is pointless.

Beaver

[sighs] Okay, look, so you know quadratic equations, right?

Weevil

Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?

Beaver

I'm just trying to see what you already know.

Weevil

Zero! You want your car fixed? Teach me.

Beaver

Okay, okay. All right, look, so this equation right here, what do you think we should do first?

Weevil

Am I a five-year-old girl, huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, c'mon! Make me understand.

Beaver

Okay, okay! Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy wanna buy a 12-pack of a certain item, say, like, uh, spark plugs for "X" dollars, and you wanna find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, that you can get for the same amount. Except oil is "Y" times as much -

Weevil

If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man. I'll just cheat.

Beaver

No, look... but what about my car?

Weevil

You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court, so -

Mac

[from next table over] F-O-I-L. That's all it is. First, Outside, Inside, Last. All algebra - it's just the formula.

Weevil

Now can you teach me that?

Mac

You'll still fix his car?

Weevil

That's the deal.

Mac

Okay, say you and your buddy buy a 12-pack of spark plugs... [Weevil glares] I'm just kidding.

Weevil

Okay, you put another "X" on that paper, and we're gonna have a problem.

Mac

I'd put little smiley faces, but I don't know if that's gonna sell "wrong."

Beaver

I told you you went too fast on balancing equations.

Mac

I didn't go too fast!

Beaver

You plowed right through! I didn't even understand what you were talking about.

Mac

No surprise there.

Beaver

What, you're saying you're smarter than me?

Mac

No, I wasn't. Here's what that would've sounded like: "I'm smarter than you." Hear the difference?

Beaver

You don't really believe that.

Mac

Then why did I get it tattooed on my hip?

Beaver

If this what you need to do to feel better about yourself...

Mac

[to Weevil] If I get you an A, will you shiv him?

Weevil

Hey, I got an idea. How about you two geniuses go work out your aggression in some coat room and then come back here and teach me algebra, huh?

Mac

Veronica?

Veronica

I'm fine.

Mac

I know. We know. But it's okay if you're not.

Veronica

I'm fine. Seriously. I just told the two of you because I thought you should know. I'm not looking for a pity party.

Wallace

That's good, 'cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.