Keith Mars quotes from Veronica Mars

Keith

This is so endearing, my bad-ass action-figure daughter is afraid of drawing a teensy little drop of blood.

Keith

Look, I don't know if you were looking for "Pimp" in the phone book and just stopped at P.I....

Keith

I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter. She's really no good at wrestling the hopped-up meth heads into the back of the car.

Keith

[to Alicia] You just fulfilled one of the Top 10 male fantasies...Oh yeah, a guy dreams his whole life of a beautiful woman bringing him a sandwich.

Keith

The next time I shoot you, it won't be digitally. Unless I hit you in the finger, and then we'll have a big laugh about it.

Keith

[to Veronica] I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me.

Keith

Did you watch House of Wax again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.

Veronica

I gotta run. The counselor wants to see me before class.

Keith

About what?

Veronica

Uh, my schedule and my attitude, not necessarily in that order. Her words.

Keith

Have you been playing nice with the other children?

Veronica

You know Dad, I'm old school, an eye for an eye.

Keith

I think that's actually Old Testament.

Keith

So how did she rope you into this?

Wallace

She promised me all the answer keys to... Just promised to be my friend.

Keith

I'd have held out for a better offer.

Keith

It's just that I never want you to think your mom's the villain in all this.

Veronica

Isn't she?

Keith

No, it's not that simple.

Veronica

Yeah, it is. The hero is the one that stays and the villain is the one that splits.

Keith

I don't think that's a healthy perspective.

Veronica

It's healthier than me pining away everyday, praying she'll come home.

Veronica

So, what did you think of him?

Keith

Oh, hey, you're home early.

Veronica

Oh, hey, did you run his license plate or did you get fingerprints?

Keith

I'm sorry, honey, what?

Veronica

You know you're not fooling me.

Keith

Okay. Veronica, I have no idea what you're talking about. [Veronica scoffs and starts to go to her room] Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you. If he's gonna be kissing my daughter on my porch for eight-and-a-half minutes, I'll need to meet him. Sweet dreams, honey.

Veronica

Is that really necessary?

Keith

He's taking up a lot of daddy/daughter time.

Keith

So, Veronica tells me, um, well, actually she hasn't told me anything about you.

Troy

Well, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Keith

Neither do I. [both laugh]

Troy

Well, if you have any questions or you know, you want a list of references or anything...

Keith

So, you going to the homecoming dance?

Troy

Oh yes, sir, if that's okay with you.

Keith

Oh, of course. And after the dance?

Troy

Well I think that Veronica said that she had to be right home after.

Keith

Yeah, good. And you're gonna stay for the whole dance. I mean, you're not gonna leave early and go to a party or a hotel, and still make it back by curfew?

Troy

No, uh, I mean, the whole point of going to the dance... is to go to the dance.

Keith

Good. Good. So you won't mind then, that I canceled your reservation at the Four Seasons?

Veronica

I obviously know nothing about relationships.

Keith

But you can bake, and that's important.

Veronica

Tough day?

Keith

[imitating Phillip Marlowe] That ain't the half of it. See, this dame walks in, and you should've seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something's hinky with her old man.

Veronica

[imitating Marlowe] Did ya put the screws to him?

Keith

You ain't kiddin', he sang like a canary.

Veronica

[normal voice] You're in luck, Phillip Marlowe, because it's dessert for dinner night, and I've got a sundae thing set up here.

Keith

[normal voice] If child services finds out about this, they will take you away.

Veronica

Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Keith

Honey, shouldn't we try something at the base of the food pyramid? You know - fruits and vegetables.

Veronica

[gasps] What is that? A maraschino cherry?