“Ahoy, Mateys!” quotes from Veronica Mars

Logan

Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.

Veronica

Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.

Logan

Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.

Veronica

Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.

Logan

Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.

Clemmons

Look, I'm just the vice-principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the principal, so -

Veronica

So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead?

Clemmons

Yes... Exactly.

Veronica

What's this four-week gap here?

Mac

Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.

Veronica

Do you know why?

Mac

I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.

Veronica

The show's still on?

Mac

A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.

Veronica

Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?

Mac

Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.

Veronica

I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]

Mac

Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

[as "Cap'n Krunk"] The winner of this week's "Cock of the Walk" Countdown -

Butters

[as "Imitation Crab"] Don't leave 'em hangin' Cap'n.

It's Logan Echolls.

Butters

That's 40 weeks running.

Rosemary's Baby: The Teen Years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself, too. [splash sound effect]

Butters

Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, and it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showing her cans for cash.

I'm saving up for that very day.

Butters

Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard.

Logan

Any news on Nip/Schmuck?

Veronica

It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.

Logan

Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.

Veronica

And I'm working on the connections, okay?

Logan

If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

Veronica

If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

Logan

Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Butters

Marcos wasn't gay.

Veronica

You sure about that?

Butters

Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. He wasn't a fairy; he was a Playboy-loving booty hound.

Veronica

Do me a favor: never describe me.