Don Lamb quotes from Veronica Mars

Lamb

Well, well, what do we have here? An illegal gambling establishment. Underaged drinking. [sees Logan and Veronica hugging] Public displays of affection. [shivers] It's like Sodom and Gomorrah in here.

Lamb

[to Logan] Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!

Lamb

Veronica Mars. Is your daddy here or is he busy peeking in people's windows?

Veronica

You stop dressing up like Little Bo Peep, he'll stop peeking.

So you think the killer's a guitar player? That is brilliant. I think gutair players are too busy nailing women to be strangling them.

Lamb

Even the wannabes and losers living in Neptune who don't realize that if they haven't made it by the time they're thirty it's because they're not going to. They're too busy?

Lamb

Strapping on a guitar... does it get rid of feelings of inadequacy?

Does strapping on a gun?

Keith

So how do you wanna play this?

Lamb

I say we play to our strengths.

Keith

So I'm good cop?

Lamb

[reading off of a $50 bill] Veronica Mars is... smarter than me.

Veronica

[slaps Lamb playfully] Oh, you stop it!

Lamb

[tapping finger on table] You said you were in Mexico the day of Lilly's murder. Why?

Logan

How many episodes of NYPD Blue did you have to watch to get that finger tapping down?

Lamb

I asked you a question.

Logan

And I ignored it and moved on. Keep up. [snapping fingers]

Hey Sheriff...you'll never believe who's in the interrogation room filling out an application.

Lamb

You're right. Who?

Veronica Mars.

Lamb

You left her alone in there?![barges into the interrogation room] What are you up to, Veronica?

Veronica

Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? [Lamb pulls out her chair] Seriously, why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near?

Lamb

So, I guess you know why you're here. You want to tell me about it?

Veronica

Okay. [exhales deeply] I confess. [pounds fist] God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my Dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.

Lamb

He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.

Veronica

Well, that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated David Caruso?

Lamb

What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? [slides a folder of photos to her]

Veronica

Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for Whitesnake. I was singing backup for Boyz II Men. They said it would never work, but -

Lamb

I'm glad that you find this amusing.

Lamb

[admiring himself in the mirror after bench pressing] You know, Keith, you really should've done more to push fitness when you were here.

Keith

Yeah, I was going to get to that, but the crime-fighting kept getting in the way.

Lamb

So... The F-B-I. I've thought about it, you know. But big fish, small town has its perks. Still, who knows? I still might apply.

You go to college?

Lamb

For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playing ball.

Speak a foreign language?

Lamb

A little Mexican. Enough to get by. I tell 'em to turn their music down.

Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics?

Lamb

Expertise...?

Small town, big fish: You know, I'd ride with that.

Lamb

What do you mean by, "it smelled"?

Dick

Dude, it smelled - like the ass of something that died.

Lamb

And you can't say what it was?

Dick

I'm not, like, a professional smellologist.

I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. [shows Lamb a photo of him and Madison]

Keith

That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.

Lamb

[looks around, lowers his voice] So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.

Keith

Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. [shows him a "campaign flyer": 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Lamb]

Lamb

Still picking winners, huh, Veronica?

Veronica

I told you, when I start picking losers, it's all you.