Veronica Mars quotes from Veronica Mars

Veronica

What's this four-week gap here?

Mac

Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.

Veronica

Do you know why?

Mac

I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.

Veronica

The show's still on?

Mac

A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.

Veronica

Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?

Mac

Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.

Veronica

I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]

Mac

Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

Logan

Any news on Nip/Schmuck?

Veronica

It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.

Logan

Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.

Veronica

And I'm working on the connections, okay?

Logan

If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

Veronica

If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

Logan

Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Butters

Marcos wasn't gay.

Veronica

You sure about that?

Butters

Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. He wasn't a fairy; he was a Playboy-loving booty hound.

Veronica

Do me a favor: never describe me.

Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen... [takes animatronic baby out of box] Welcome to Parenthood.

Veronica

So that's where babies come from.

Your sentence is up when each of these files finds its way alphabetically into that cabinet.

Veronica

And I can't use Magic Right?

Veronica

The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.

Trina

No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.

Veronica

Trina, I'm dead serious.

Trina

Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.

Veronica

You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.

Trina

What? So you mean my mother was like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can?

Veronica

I'm... pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.

Trina

Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions!

Veronica

I suppose they do. Um... I was going to use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her. I was gonna send this video to all the tabloids.

Trina

Oh, you're a rascal, Veronica Mars.

Veronica

Am I? I was thinking I was something else... less flattering.

Trina

You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.

Last spring... before we broke up...

Veronica

Okay, stop, I was shown a diagram once. I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?

This has nothing to do with us.

Veronica

Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

Veronica

Oh, hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?

My name is Thumper. Not that you really care.

Veronica

Oh, I care... deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic.

Logan

Hi-ho.

Veronica

What did you say?

Logan

Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho. It's off to work you go.

Veronica

Guess that makes me Snow White.

Logan

You must be on your way up to see Mopey.

Veronica

How is he doing, Sleazy?

Wallace

Oh, that's just pathetic. Up! Get up! I came here to see Veronica Mars. Who's this... Emo girl?

Veronica

Leave me alone. I'm wallowing.

Wallace

Not anymore. We're going out. We gotta go see a movie or get in a barfight or something.

Veronica

I don't wanna get in a barfight.

Wallace

Tough, 'cause you're goin if I have to drag you. But before we do, Veronica: Shower. You smell bad.

Veronica

You're not helping. You think you're helping. But you're not.

Vinnie Van Lowe

Hey, Veronica! What's the haps?

Veronica

Oh, you know. I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but, other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell.

Veronica

I have no idea where he is, and if I did, you would be the... [counting fingers] last person I'd tell.

Vinnie

Am I hearing you right? Because you'd tell Osama bin Laden before you tell me? Because back in my day, we had a little thing called patriotism.

Veronica

So, the manager's boyfriend just dumped her, and she says this helps with the stress.

Wallace

What is it?

Veronica

A German chocolate nut-gasm.

Wallace

I don't think that's going to help.

It's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time - five days hence - Wallace Fennel will turn himself into the Neptune sheriff's department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.

Wallace

What if I'm not there?

Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up "married" to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.

Veronica

Or prove your innocence.

Or that. Suit yourself.

Veronica

And how can I help you, sir?

Weevil

I need a favor.

Veronica

Ah, a favor - one of our specialties.

Weevil

I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's church.

Veronica

Um... I'm sorry. That's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "You're crazy" down the street?

Logan

[from the next table over] It's not just for him.

Veronica

Isn't this a very odd coincidence? Or, wait - are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking?

Logan

Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you could help me find where Duncan disappeared?

Veronica

Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer.

Weevil

Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad.

Veronica

So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?

Logan

Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you.