Monarch quotes from The Venture Bros.

Dr. Girlfriend

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm pretending I'm Farrah Fawcett making her big comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not gonna sleep in the bed you pleasured Phantom Limb in. I'm burning the bed and—what are these, Little League trophies, and all these self-help books?

Dr. Girlfriend

Well, sell them! Do you have to burn 'em, it's insane!

You know what's insane? The fact that you slept with a guy who read The Secret You want the Secret? Your ex-boyfriend's pathetic. (whispers) Shh, don't tell anyone. Secret.

You're a brainless failure and live entirely off your father's name and fortune!

I'm George Bush?

Hardly! I've never never hated anyone as much as you!

Oh wait wait. Hitler? Did he have a famous father?

Worse! Washup! You should just admit that you will never amount to anything and drink, poison!

Oh is it... uh... Socrates son?

Ahh of course, Mariah Carey. So close. Seriously, I would have gotten that.

Dr. Girlfriend

Um..."Birdman of Alcatraz!"

"One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!"

Dr. Girlfriend

Um...let's see, bird...

We know he's a bird! He's been doing the same thing for five fucking minutes! Okay, my God! Go to the next word! Give me a "sounds like!" YOU'RE KILLING ME!

Are you smoking?

Dr. Girlfriend

Who?

You!

Dr. Girlfriend

Why?

What-why? Are you smoking?

Dr. Girlfriend

Maybe…

What?! When did you start smoking?

Dr. Girlfriend

198-9ish?

So you have been lying! It all makes sense, the filled ash trays, the burning pine scented hair sprays…

I guess I’ll be the one to say it, her three-pack-a-day voice.

Could you sign this, boss? It’s for 24, he got knifed by the Moppets.

Which one is 24 again?

What?! You’re kidding, right? Let me give a hint: you know how every time you talk to me, there’s usually another guy next to me. That’s 24.

Right, right, right, the one that sounds like Ray Romano. I like him.

I had true hatred with Venture. I didn't have to fake it! That sweet loathing just poured out of me whenever I saw his pathetic face. I just...I just wanted to kick his ass! I wanted to build a machine to kick his ass! I wanted to build an empire to house the machine TO KICK HIS ASS!

Then, by God, let's go take a dump in his pool!

If I had a lady like your wife, I'd be with her right now and I'd be brushing her hair and then we'd explore our feelings.

If you had a lady like my wife, you would be in an alternate future where dogs talk and birds have human pets.

What the fuck is that thing?

Ummm, I think it's a giant robot with a ice cream cone for one of its arms. I think.

I gotta ask this, is there a reason why you are always using 21 and 24?

I know it sounds crazy, but they both have the rare blend of expendable and invulnerable that makes them the perfect henchmen.

Dr. Girlfriend

I wanted to take the cocoon.

That just what Venture expects us to do. But he won't expect this! You and your two best men, me and my...men. We keep it slim. Elite forces!

Dr. Girlfriend

Great idea. One of your "elite forces" is playing Tetris on his cell phone, while the other is peeing into a grande chai latte.

God, I wish! It's like there's a vice on my wing-ding! You guys gotta stop talking so I can get in the zone.

Alright, let's review [the game plan.] Moppets?

Locate the Venture Brothers.

And kill them!

Subdue them.

Cut their bellies...

Subdue their bellies. Dr. My Wife?

Dr. Girlfriend

Locate and seduce...

Subdue! Come on!

Dr. Girlfriend

Sorry. Subdue Brock Samson.

Good! Henchman 24?

Locate and subdue the Venture robot.

Subdue? You can kill the robot. It's a robot! Henchman 21?

What!? Dude, I gotta pee so bad, it's backing up into my kidneys!

Wrong! You keep an eye out for Sgt. Hatred while I locate and subdue Dr. Venture.

(sighs) Forget it. You go to the bathroom.

(upon discovering O.S.I. agents) Guh! Who the hell are those guys?!

They're henchmen for the Monarch, sir.

What the hell's a monarch?

Low-level Guild troublemaker. Used to arch Dr. Venture.

Then he arched Dr. Venture.

Brock

(over the comm) Aww come on, general. Is that any way to treat my friends?

Those clowns are with you? What in the hell is going on here, Samson?!

Brock

Oh, just trying to even the playing field, sir. (switches off)

Looks like Samson's gone over to the Guild, sir.

Uhh, want me to give the order to take out the big cocoon?

Is that what that thing is? Jeepers, crappers! No! If Samson pulled a full-on Judas, there's no tellin' what kind of trade secrets he might have given up! I want him alive. Ground forces!!

Henchmen!!

Form battle squadrons and prepare for full assault on my order!

Take. That. Costume. Off!

Whats the matter Captain Fun Time? Isn't this what you always wanted?!

What are you talking about?!

Wouldn't it just fix everything twisted up inside of you if you can only fuck Wonder Boy and your worst enemy at the same time, huh? Well come and get us!

[Laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!

What?! Since when do you arch for money?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck, 10, 20 years?

I don’t know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!

And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?

Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so.

We strike him in the pocket book. Ha-ha.

Yeah, speaking of which, how much did those meca-pillars set us back?

I dunno, a couple of mil. Anyway, it’s $10 million Venture. Tick-tock tick-tock.

Look I don’t have that type of cash lying around.

Dean

Daddy! [Meca-pillar gags him]

All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...

I don’t want any of your old crap. This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. Its your money or their lives!

Hank

Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man.

Now don’t take sides with your arch-enemy!

Hank

Shut up, you're not the dad of me.

Hank! Don’t you sass your bodyguard.

Hank

He’s not my bodyguard.

Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.

Your father doesn’t mean that Hank.

Oh don’t I? Do you know what Mr. Smart-Mouth called me as he stormed out this morning? A "honky!"

[Chuckle] Did you really?

Hank

Yeah.

I’m transmitting you the instruction for the drop-off now, I suggest you follow them. Or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla. [Laughs] That is not as dark as its sounds in my head, is it?

I'm only gonna say this once. I don't like you two, and if you ever - EVER - try to give me an order again, I will kill you both and feed your tiny, rotting bodies to the neighborhood dogs!...Now, what were you saying?

Er...have a nice walk?