Sgt. Hatred quotes from The Venture Bros.

Hank, I will give you so much money to not shoot your dad.

[pointing loaded gun at Billy and White] I MIGHT BE HAVING A HEART ATTACK! I am over-weight, over fifty, and I am speedballing tranq darts and pure adrenaline!

Brock

(advancing on Hatred) Hey, hey!!

Woah, rubber bullets, rubber bullets! Just keepin' it lively! It's not all charts and schedules and...

Man, he's a delicate one, isn't he? They don't usually break the skin like that. (into his comlink) Malice Troop!

Sir?

Yeah, we got a bleeder here. Eighty-six the non-lethal. We're goin' full Nerf on this one!

Are you smoking?

Dr. Girlfriend

Who?

You!

Dr. Girlfriend

Why?

What-why? Are you smoking?

Dr. Girlfriend

Maybe…

What?! When did you start smoking?

Dr. Girlfriend

198-9ish?

So you have been lying! It all makes sense, the filled ash trays, the burning pine scented hair sprays…

I guess I’ll be the one to say it, her three-pack-a-day voice.

Dr. Girlfriend

(taking Sgt. Hatred's handie talkie-shaped cellular phone) That's a big cell phone.

I'm a big boy!

Doc Venture

You don't know me. Why in my prime I saw some things that would make your head spin!

Yeah, I saw a guy's head spin, like right off his neck. Why? 'Cuz I punched him! Top That!

Doc Venture

Okay, okay... My father made me kill a man, KILL A MAN, with a house key! I was ten.

That's nothing. I ate a whole Labrador retriever once! I'm serious!

Look at us. We're hiding from our true selves. I'm a fighter, not a lover. And you...you were Rusty Venture once. Maybe the most fearless boy adventurer ever.

Doc Venture

Maybe the most?

Alright, everybody out. I gotta - I gotta wipe.

Dr. Orpheus

Good lord. Have you been using the toilet under there this whole time?

We are at war with Hitler again! This is how it's done on the front lines, soldier!

Hank, where's your uniform?

Hank

I'm not wearing that clown-suit; and you are not the boss of me.

Au Contraire! I am Tony Danza to your spunky Alyssa Milano! I am full-on-Charles-in-charge of you! You are my unit.

Hank

(Smirking) "Unit".

And a Unit operates as one. We dress the same, we walk the same, we eat the same! You like pineapples and ham on your pizza?

Hank

Gross, no!

Well, you do now! Why? Because I do! Unit! Now put on your Venture blues before I tell you how much you love Country & Western music!

[Laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!

What?! Since when do you arch for money?

Yeah, what are you doing?

Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck, 10, 20 years?

I don’t know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!

And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?

Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so.

We strike him in the pocket book. Ha-ha.

Yeah, speaking of which, how much did those meca-pillars set us back?

I dunno, a couple of mil. Anyway, it’s $10 million Venture. Tick-tock tick-tock.

Look I don’t have that type of cash lying around.

Dean

Daddy! [Meca-pillar gags him]

All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...

I don’t want any of your old crap. This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. Its your money or their lives!

Hank

Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man.

Now don’t take sides with your arch-enemy!

Hank

Shut up, you're not the dad of me.

Hank! Don’t you sass your bodyguard.

Hank

He’s not my bodyguard.

Will you accept half for just Dean? You can keep Hank.

Your father doesn’t mean that Hank.

Oh don’t I? Do you know what Mr. Smart-Mouth called me as he stormed out this morning? A "honky!"

[Chuckle] Did you really?

Hank

Yeah.

I’m transmitting you the instruction for the drop-off now, I suggest you follow them. Or your boys will follow the rainbow bridge to Valhalla. [Laughs] That is not as dark as its sounds in my head, is it?

You're gonna have to turn your vehicle around. This is a gated community.

Yeah, I'm a pretty little flower. Like a prom date, maybe?

Enjoy the silence, are you for supper?

Turtles. Now let's go talk about little, breaded chicken fingers.

Heh, robots. Programmed to answer over 700 different questions, none of which includes chicken fingers.

[behind the bathroom door] I have a list of inappropriate behavior. #1: This! Don't do this!

What's #2?

Nothing! I don't have a #2. I don't even have a list. Get out of the bathroom!

Don't you have one of them fancy machines that can just look inside him, you know, like...with computers?

You mean an MRI.

Oh.

But he's right. We need to see inside Rusty's brain, and to do that, you know what we need?

Hank

An aeronaut! And an armored bear!

A submarine!

Hank

Also good.

Dean

We've got one—the X-3

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you— oh, geez! No! Come on, not that old cliche.

Cliche nothing! It is a classic!

Innerspace is not a classic!

That's, like, a great film!

Then why don't they make it on DVD, huh, fella?

They totally do. And, whatever—I was talking about Fantastic Voyage anyway!

He's not my best friend. I just work with him.

And live with him and do everything with him. That's best friends.

Maybe. But I always thought of Rusty as my best friend.

What?! You know what, White. You are a starfucker. Yeah, you have the greatest friend in the world, and because he's not famous, you don't care. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Rusty and I went to school together. We were inseparable.

Starfucker.

Oh come on. Do I really have to get blood on my tux?

Service abandonment. Guild non-assail pact of 1958, paragraph 20, line 17 regarding employer's rights to a deserter

Yeah, here’s all the paperwork. Now step aside.

I don’t care if you have a note from Santa Claus, you are not getting in.

Ah-ah-ah! I have a little bargaining chip.

Princess Tinyfeet! You untie her this instant.

Ahh, we didn’t tie her up.

She’s way, way into the bondage thing. You want her back, you better start respecting her very strange needs.

My little beige bunny, is this true?

She insisted we drive her here in the trunk. She is a freak.