The Alchemist quotes from The Venture Bros.

The Alchemist

But being a magic super hero that keeps chasing the same guy? It’s completely gay. That is coming from a guy that voluntarily has sex with men!

The Alchemist

And then, like that wasn't enough, I ended up with a raging case of crotch cricket. And did I get an apology? Hell no! I got a, "eh, I'll call you." (sighs) Still waiting for that chestnut.

The Alchemist

I swear, this has NEVER happened before...

Jefferson Twilight

On three we give him the old Rochambeau.

The Alchemist

Rock-paper-scissors?

Dr. Orpheus

What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this?

Jefferson Twilight

American Revolution? Rochambeau sound...sounds French to me.

Dr. Orpheus

Well yes, the Franco-American forces.

Jefferson Twilight

They fought with spaghetti-o's and meatballs?

The Alchemist

Why would a company called Franco-American make Italian food?

Dr. Orpheus

It's like playing Keep Away with the neighborhood spastic! I can't get a bead on him!

The Alchemist

You should give us the All Seeing Orb!

Jefferson Twilight

(sarcastically) "You should"? Nice, Al. Very polite.

The Alchemist

What? You catch more flies with honey.

Dr. Orpheus

Give us the Eye or face oblivion!!

The Alchemist

...Please!

Jefferson Twilight

AH! Man, Orpheus! What are you wearing, golf shoes?

The Alchemist

Honestly, I think my hand is bleeding. And the squirming...

Jefferson Twilight

I think it's the flip part.

Dr. Orpheus

That's the zing! We need the zing!

The Alchemist

Well the zing hurts my hand!

Dr. Orpheus

Well if we practiced more than once a month...

The Alchemist

Hey! Hey, look! I'm in The Residents! (laughs)

Dr. Orpheus

Does anybody else feel even slightly embarrassed here?

Jefferson Twilight

Only most of the time.

Dr. Orpheus

Practice makes perfect! We shall meet at my home for some real training!

The Alchemist

Yeah! (sing-song) Slumber party!

The Alchemist

I'm here! And I've got some fancy beer and some chips guaranteed to be... extreme!

Dr. Orpheus

(Amazed) How is that possible...?

The Alchemist

I don't know, by putting a lightning bolt on the bag.

Jefferson Twilight

Al, what is that? I need earplugs just to look at your shirt.

The Alchemist

I'm in disguise as a paunchy gay guy who loves Jimmy Buffett. I thought you setting up an apparatus. That's a pilates mat and a baby's first birthday candle.

Alchemist

Well, I can't help you not save the Ventures from back here in the kiddy seat. Why does creepo get to be the co-pilot?

Dr. Orpheus

[working with his seatbelt] I wasn't the one who materialized him from a trading card.

Alchemist

Point of order: I wanted to kill him. Because I bet he's abomination or something. And isn't there some code about that.

Dr. Orpheus

Unless he is made from dead people, it's still considered murder. Nice try. Got it! It was all crammed into the cushion.

Jefferson Twilight

[waking up] What if he gets hit by a car and he's half-dead? I had this dog once that never...

Dr. Orpheus

I hope he knows where we're going.

Alchemist

I hope he couldn't understand what I said about him.

Dr. Orpheus

Don’t panic, Dean is safe. Safe in the magic hands of the Order of the... [Orpheus trips on Phantom Limb limb’s then drops Dean]

Dean

Ow, hey pop!

Dean was missing, nice job Brock.

The Alchemist

Peoples, somebody here lose an invisible...

The Alchemist

Oh... Oh, I'm keeping this.

Jefferson Twilight

Killin' Blackulas with a sword is cool. But you know what's really cool? Safety!

Dr. Orpheus

The Order of the Triad have many strange and mysterious enemies!

The Alchemist

Enemies...of safety!

Jefferson Twilight

One of our enemies is invisible!

Dr. Orpheus

And he can enter any home through the ground! He's waiting for you right now in the basement!

The Alchemist

His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer!

Jefferson Twilight

Lung cancer? But, Al, I don't smoke!

Dr. Orpheus

Of course you don't, Jefferson! Because smoking is more evil than the hoary denizens of the Underworld! And if you did smoke, we'd know it. Because we have a SMOKE DETECTOR in every room!

The Alchemist

With fresh batteries! Remember: if your smoke detector doesn't work, the silence...

Could be deadly!

Jefferson Twilight

When did we lose 'em?

Dr. Orpheus

That was my fault. I really hit them with that "radon" part.

The Alchemist

We never get to my song!

I fear this is beyond our combined powers. I must seek guidance from The Master! Wait here, please.

Alchemist

Oh c'mon! We're supposed to be a team. How come we never get to see this all-knowing guy with you?

Jefferson Twilight

Yeah, tell the truth is it because you're embarassed of us. Its because he's gay, isn't it? (points at Al)

No, its because you soiled yourself...and he's gay [disappears in smoke]

Jefferson Twilight

I am not diggin' this "Charlie's Angels" crap.

Alchemist

At least they got an intercom. What do we get!?

Jefferson Twilight

[Sarcastically] "Triad emergency."

Dr. Orpheus

I said I was sorry. The boys a very, active imaginations. They're given to flights of fancy.

The Alchemist

Yes, the little imps have certainly skylarked us into a mare's nest this time.

Jefferson Twilight

The skinny one thinking he has a shot at his daughter, now that’s an active imagination.

The Alchemist

Sweet, the action-figures came?

Jefferson Twilight

Finally, merchandising. That’s where the real money's at.

The Alchemist

Cha-ching.

Dr. Orpheus

Actually, Hasbro passed. These I made myself.

Jefferson Twilight

Hmm, nice work. A little on the creepy side but... You sculpt these yourself?

Dr. Orpheus

Oh heavens no. I merely repainted a old MEGO-doll of The Falcon.

Jefferson Twilight

Argh.

The Alchemist

Would you rather be Spock with a bald spot, I’ll trade you!

Jefferson Twilight

Orpheus, you drag us into this BS, so how do you wanna go out? Sitting in a peep-booth waiting for some Atari bitch to tell you Game-Over, or do you wanna finish what you started?

Dr. Orpheus

What do you mean?

Jefferson Twilight

I mean we already know where they're at, so lets go get them.

Dr. Orpheus

Yes, yes.

The Alchemist

Yeah-yeah, Player-3 buying in.