Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

You may keep your baby, but you! Drop the panda!

Homer

But he loves me! [the panda bites Homer] OW! Why you little...! I'll endanger you! [strangles the panda]

Marge

I just think we should be building a nest egg.

Homer

Way ahead of you, Marge. I just ordered a series of tapes on saving money. They should get here soon. I paid a bundle for overnight delivery.

Marge

I have a book from the library with the same information!

Homer

Okay, I'll just hire a haulage firm to haul them away... at my expense! [he picks up the phone and dials 4-1-1] Directory assistance?

Marge

No more directory assistance! It's not free.

Homer

Well, I'll get a lawyer on that. No, a whole team of lawyers, who will dine on mustard flown in from the Orient.

Marge

No more Oriental mustard!

Marge

Last year you spent $5,000 on doughnuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter...

Homer

Hey, I earn that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.

Marge

Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around "Googling" your own name until lunch.

Homer

[gasps] Who told you that?

Marge

You shouted it while we were making love!

Marge

And I am so sick of that story about finding an onion ring in your French fries! It was 20 years ago!

Homer

That was my Woodstock!

Homer

Bring back our kids you Cyprus splitting jerks!

Just for that, we keep your children!

Homer

Will you raise them Christian?

Coptic Christian.

Homer

No!

Bart

Why'd you buy the first hovercar ever made? Didn't you know it'd take a while to work out the kinks?

Homer

I know! It's a hovercar!

All right! You guys are my new best friends!

Homer

You wish, loser! [tosses Bender out the car, who falls to pieces when he hits the asphalt. Bart and Homer laugh as they drive away]

Homer

So what's Stephen Hawking doing here?

I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesars down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks.

Homer

So why didn't you invite me?

Carl

We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans.

Look at the size of that nacho plate. I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.

Homer

Ha ha ha ha ha, the sun.

Hey you want to split this?

Homer

Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pi

Bart

I've learned that even made-up corporate mascots can lie to you.

Homer

Did you hear that Foxie, the Fox network fox?

Homer

[about Cameron as he walks onstage in a flashy costume and shades] He's about to learn one of the most important lessons in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.

[singing] I'm a privileged boy, it's great, I gotta tell ya. Privileged boy, my dad could buy and sell ya. It really doesn't matter that you're on the list in front of me. I'm gonna get your table 'cause I always tip the maitre d'. And then I'll go to Yale, [shows a diploma] because I am a legacy! [down on one knee and pointing at the crowd] I'm better than you!

BOOOO!!

Carl

You SUCK, Johnny Rainbow!

[as he tears up a picture of "Johnny Rainbow"] I believed in you!

Marge

This is Marge from downtown Springfield, where overweight doomsayer Homer Simpson is predicting the world will end next Wednesday! Homer, what turned you from sad drunk to mad monk?

Homer

Funny story, Marge- [to the camera] IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!! GOD LOVES YOU!! HE'S GONNA KILL YOU!! [to Marge] Here's my angle: there's no way in God's Heaven I should get into God's Heaven. But maybe He'll let me in, if I warn others the Apocalypse is coming as I previously shouted.

Homer

Lord, you got a first-class destination resort here, really top notch, but I can't enjoy myself knowing my family is suffering.

God

Oh, don't you talk about family suffering with me! My son went to Earth once. I don't know what you people did to him, but he hasn't been the same ever since. [shows Jesus sitting on a swing looking down and spinning slowly]

Homer

He'll be fine.

Homer

What's this? [reads the note] "Goodbye Springfield...."

Bart

[in voiceover] "The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. You have laughed at us for the Last-Diddly-Ast time!"

Homer

Last-Diddly-Ast? [sobbing] He's gone! And it's all someone's fault! [sobs and eats cookies]

We're about to play Bingo.

Homer

Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.

Bingo.

Homer

Bingo? Hey that's my favorite game. I just can't remember what you yell when you win.

[sighs] Why don't you just yell, "Yea! I win!"?

Homer

[points] Bingo!