Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[to Marge] Oh, what's the big deal? Bart didn't like his presents. So what? It's not like he gives us such great gifts. Remember that maple leaf ironed between the sheets of wax paper? What was that? That was crap.

Marge

It's not just the presents. The kids don't appreciate me anymore. They'd rather hang out with their friends than with their mom.

Homer

So they're growing up. Soon, they'll be leaving the nest, and you'll have time for yourself. Hundreds of thousands of hours. And then the peace of the grave.

Marge

You know Chloe some of us stayed in this town and made it a better place.

Homer

Oh come on Marge, the only reason we don't move out of this dung hill is because of my court ordered ankle bracelet. [Reveals a beeping bracelet on his right ankle] I'm here! I'm here! Quit bugging me.

Marge

Why do you always have to show that to company?

Homer

It's a conversation starter. [short pause]

Marge

[moans]

Chloe

[to Homer] I remember you in high school. You barfed in my tuba.

Homer

I believe it was the school's tuba.

Bart

Mom, I want to be like you. I mean the lava part, not saving Lisa.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Pretend to care! [angrily strangles Bart]

Marge

Bart! Someone wrote something cynical on your shirt. Let me wash it off.

Bart

Leave me alone. This expresses my rage at the machine.

Marge

Well I like t-shirts with a nice joke, like "Support our troops".

Homer

Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge, just like "Keep on truckin" - as if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Homer

Get back in the garage, old man!

Grampa

But there's spiders in the boxes!

Homer

Stay out of my boxes!

Marge

We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell.

Homer

Yeah, nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric, single man takes an interest in their child.

Homer

You give my son what he deserves, or I will knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass!

Ho-ho, I must warn you sir, I was a Green Beret in Vietnam. The things I saw are what made me CRAAAAAAZZZYYY!

Lisa

What? Can't we sit on the couch without something happening?

Homer

D'oh!

Homer

[To border patrol] Hola señor! We are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.

Splendid! Welcome to Canada!

Homer

D'oh!

[While they ride to Canada] Homer! Tell Mr. Ned to stop trying to convert me!

Ned

I was just telling him how brave he is to worship a false god.

I do not worship one god, okay? I worship a whole super team of deities that--[Ned pinches him] OW, ow! Okay, he just pinched me!

Ned

Well, where's your super team now?

Homer

Listen, you two! I'll tell you who the true God is if you're both quiet the rest of the trip!

But the infinite...

Ned

But the Bible says...

Homer

All right, I'm coming back there! [Unbuckles seatbelt and leaves driver's wheel to go to the back seat. The van swerves uncontrollably through traffic]

Save me, Shiva!

Ned

Why don't you just call for Hawkman?

Why don't you shut up?!

Homer

Marge, you can't go with me to Moe's. I mean, how would you like it if I came with you to your mother's?

Marge

I would like it. You never come with me to my mother's.

Homer

That's because I hate her.

Bart

Is this one of those reality deals where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes?

Homer

Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard... and I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it! [picks up phone and dials]

You've reached FOX. If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks get what's coming to them, press 1. If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press 2. Please stay on the line - your half-baked ideas are all we've got.

You're on fire, not like that useless old man.

Homer

Hey, that useless old man happens to be my father! Please continue.

If you don't work all night then we're deport you back to Mexico.

Homer

But I'm an American citizen.

Oh, really, Senor Homer? [Holds a forged ID card claiming Homer is Mexican]

Homer

Dios mio.