Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Wait, I'm confused about the movie ... so the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?

Glen

What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.

Homer

Well, you see when I get bored I make up my own movies. I have a very short attention span.

But our point is very simple, you see when...

Homer

Oh look! A bird! Hee hee hee!

Lisa

It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.

Bart

You said it, sister.

You are watching Fox.

We are watching Fox.

Homer Simpson

Welcome to the internet, my friend, how can I help you?

Comic Book Guy

I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?

Homer Simpson

[stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

Homer

Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!

Bart

Dad!

Homer

You too, Bart!

Marge

Oh, knock it off, Homer; you're the fattest one in the car!

Homer

[shocked] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.

Marge

Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!

Bart

What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals.

Homer

Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary...turns out the zebra did it.

Homer

I don't get it.

Lisa

Dad, the zebra didn't do it, its just a word at the end of the dictionary.

Homer

I still don't get it.

Lisa

It's just a joke.

Homer

Oooh! I get it! I get jokes. [Laughs]

Homer

[drunk at Moe's] Here's to Marge! And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar!

Yeah, yeah, you got a wife, I got a rash! Who cares?!

No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me.

Homer

Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe! You're a fabulous catch!

Oh yeah? Well how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?

Homer

Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. C'mon! We're going to the darkest bar in town!

[upon hearing his player's club card is maxed out] Well, that's it. It's over. Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe pinch-penny.

Homer

Come on, Moe. Think of all the things you have to offer her besides money.

[beat] I need cash, and lots of it!

Homer

Why don't you sell your car?

Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.

Homer

Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.

Marge

[in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car.

Homer

I'll do it!

Bart

Well, Dad, in the meantime, here's a carton of smokes you can use to buy stuff. [gives the box of smokes to Homer]

Homer

Aw, thanks, boy. I'll give you two packs for that candy bar.

Bart

Three.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why, you little- [angrily strangles Bart]

Bart

Guard! Guard!

Hawaii here we come. Ananakooli, Makawani, Ana-ona, Nanawula Wa, Hawaii...ha

Homer

Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?

Stop saying Hawaii in there.

Homer! Thank God! You gotta help me!

Homer

[picks up a flaming 2x4] Oh I'll help you...help you die!

Barney

[emerging from the bathroom to see Homer and Moe unconscious] Moe! Homer! [screams as he sees the fire heading towards the counter] Aagh! The booze!

Oh, Homer! I've been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?

Homer

Aww, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk!

Homer

Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!

Bart

Yeah, mom says a lot of things.

Homer

Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.