Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

[on TV] I'm supposed to be talking to you today about Proposition 3305...

Homer

Moochin' war widows!

Homer

I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet. Tell her what you do.

I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.

Homer

[Nervous] Oh.. but you.. RUN it.. right?

OH Yea.

Homer

Okay.. uh.. this is your second cousin, Stanley!

Um.. I shoot birds at the airport.

Homer

[More nervous] Everybody hates birds.. right? [Frantically looks for a successful relative. He spots a dapper looking fellow smoking a cigar.] Wehh, you look pretty successful!

Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties. [Face drops] At least, I'd.. like to.

Bart

You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?

Homer

What about you?

Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.

I beg celebrities for money!

I'm a prison snitch.

Jug band manager.

My legs hurt!

Lisa

What a whimsical building. Who says science can't be fun?

Bart

Me. I smell a museum.

Homer

Yeah, good things don't end with -eum, they end with -mania, or –teria. Will there be beer?

Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the planet of the doughnuts!

As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu-- hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?

Homer

Uh… maybe.

Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.

Homer

[sees charred doughnut] Success!

You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?

Homer

Uh...it's my first day.

Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on! [walks off]

Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.

Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?

Homer

It's my first day.

Well, why didn't you say-- Yawoo! You're fired!

Homer

We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light. [starts clapping]

Marge

We don't have a Clapper.

Homer

[clapping] Sorry, can't hear you, Marge, I'm clapping. [Homer claps for several seconds before throwing the lamp out the window] Nightie night.

Homer

Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.

Barney

Where you going?

Homer

I've joined the Naval Reserve.

Barney

Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!

Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!

And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey, I'm in too.

Homer

Gee, thanks guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.

The Deer Hunter? Uh, that reminds me. [runs into a room in the back. Skinner and Krusty are playing Russian roulette with a Vietnamese mob boss. The mob boss puts a bullet in revolver, spins the gun chamber, places it near Krusty and dares him]

Didi mau! Didi mau! [as Krusty reaches for the gun, Moe interrupts]

I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Homer

See you in a week.

Lisa

Good luck, Dad. Although I'm morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.

Homer

Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.

Bart

Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.

Homer

No.

Bart

But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.

Homer

Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!

Marge

Homer!

Homer

But only if you're good. Even if you're not.

[to Apu] Tuck in that shirt. [to Moe] Shine those shoes, mister. [to Homer, who has on the Foam Dome beer hat he last wore on "Selma's Choice") Oh, for the love of...

Homer

Eh, a seagull took my sailor hat. [sergeant removes and throws hat to ground]

All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me.

Homer

I like you.

Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you.

Homer

Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.

What are you, a comedian?

Homer

Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression. Eh, one more thing-- One... I should get a glass of water.

Aaaarrrggghh..!

Homer

There, the perfect sheepshank!

Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship! [a large vessel drifts away, out to sea, and off a waterfall]

Homer

Oh-hoh..!

Homer

Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy.

Bart

Come on, dad didn't you do anything wild when you were a kid?

Homer

Well, when I was 10 I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!

Bart

Fine, take it.

I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?

Homer

Is a poop deck really what I think it is?

[chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.

Homer

What's a jib?

[laughs] Promote that man.

Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?

Homer

[straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peas.

Oh, we all want peace, but it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?

Homer

[reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.

Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.

Homer

And you're like the father I never visit.

Barney

Mayday, mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!

Homer

You mean water?

Barney

Yeah, that's it.

Homer

Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh... nine!

Marge

Homer, you know we don't have--

Homer

Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts![hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch]Here you go, keep using nuclear power.

Marge

Homer, I painted that for you.

Homer

Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.

Bart

Cool!