Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Hey, what's the haps, pop-diggity?

Grampa

D'oh! What's wrong with you? Can't you talk like a normal 55-year-old man?https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:1700:C361:A40:39F7:CD1C:F13D:BB3F

Homer

Yeah, Cool?

Marge

What?

Dr. Hibbert

Homer, the results of your physical are very concerning. You're 80 pounds overweight.

Homer

I wore my socks on the scale.

Dr. Hibbert

And your cholesterol is sky high.

Homer

Go big or go home.

Dr. Hibbert

Oh, and your testosterone is just a little bit low.

Homer

[Gasps] Testosterone? That's what fuels my punching and yelling. And my undeserved confidence. Now I'll never be a quarterback slash international super spy.

Dr. Hibbert

Don't worry. Lot T is very common amongst men your age. It can be treated with a prescription drug called Vicodude.

Homer

Pill me up!

Marge

Oh, really? You hate the outdoors! You've never been camping! You've never hauled or towed anything, or shown any interest in hauling and towing! And please, tell me the meaning of the word, torque.

Homer

The smoke hole where the truck's farts come out?

Marge

Torque is the tendency of a force to rotate the body to which it is applied. LIKE THIS! [spins Homer around] HOMER JAY SIMPSON, YOU ARE NOT A TRUCK GUY!!

Homer

[as a deer] Time for a little "stag party."

Mr. Burns

[as a hunter] Thank God you're herbivores.

Homer

[as a deer] That's right. And today your name is "Herb."

Homer

I'm looking for a godfather for my little angel.

Aw, what a cutie. Let me give her a sip of beer.

Homer

Okay, you're out.

If I'm out, Carl's out.

Carl

I decide who tells me what to do. Moe?

You're out, Carl.

Lisa

Mom, Dad, with Bart away, I can now fulfill a dream I never dared speak aloud. For one fleeting weekend, I want to live as... an only child.

Marge

"Only child"? What about Maggie?

Lisa

Um, I kind of made alternate arrangements for her.

Patty

Time for a Flip This Bathroom marathon.

Selma

Ooh, baby, Mama loves her terra route.

Lisa

[points to the sibling pie chart] As you can see on this pie chart, this is the time you spend on my older and younger siblings. So, if you'll just humor a middle child's most frivolous whimsy, I would like you to spend the entire weekend focusing only on me.

Homer

No.

Marge

Homer! [To Lisa] Of course we will.

Lisa

[hugs her parents] Oh, it's wonderful! Oh, and for the next two days, I would like you to call me Jules. I think an only child would have a name... [flips the page with another pie chart with Jules's name on it] like Jules.

Okay! Our first only-child activity is gonna be playing horsey. Start working on your neighs.

So, where'd you get your dog?

Homer

Uh, I think he came with the house?

Homer

I'm Homer Simpson, and I'm truly sorry. [cuts to an Imagine Spot of the crowd as pilgrims]

Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Homer

Sorry if you pee-pee babies were offended by something that was no big deal and everything's fine. So what's the issue?

Bart

[to Lisa] Amazing job, you really got his voice down.

Helen Lovejoy

I've noticed lately that people have been putting up quite a few little DIY free libraries all over town.

Homer

[to Marge] What's DIY stands for?

Marge

Do it yourself.

Homer

I'm trying to, but I can't.

Carl

No, no, it can't be true!

Homer

It is true, Carl, there never was a Lenny.

Carl

So, Lenny was just a figment of my imagination, I...I made him up?

Yeah, your psyche created "Lenny" to help you deal with a terrible trauma there.

Carl

What trauma?

Homer

Finding out your previous best friend isn't real, it's kind of a thing with you.

Carl

Huh. Hey, I've never seen you around before. I'm Carl, what's your name? [Steven appears]. Nice to meet you, Steven.

Aw crap, here we go again.

Ned

I wouldn't mean to be unneighborly but would you know what happened to my old nostril skirt?

Homer

Mustache, you say? Hmm, let me think? Stroking this goatee I've always had... stroking stroking.

Ned

That's it!

Ned

Boys, we're Jewish now.

L'chaim!

Todd

To life!

Well, well. If it isn't the Losers. Say hello to my studio audience. [turns on the Laughter sign and rises soul of children] There’s no laughter like forced laughter!

Homer

We're not afraid of you anymore, clown. You have no power over us. He's an astronaut, she's a seltzer big wig, and I'm a world-famous, um, virgin. Oh, damn it. The point is, we’ve conquered our childhood fears!

Psst. Homer. Want to play questions?

Homer

Okay. Question number one: Shut up.

[laughs] You're funny. We should go out on our bikes tomorrow. I know this place by the nuclear plant that has the best jumps. Oh, wait. Did you bring your bike?

Homer

I don't have a bike, I have a car. And I don't play at the nuclear plant, I work there because I am a grown-up.

Marge

Thanks to your little prank, 25 library books were ruined. Haven't we told you that books are precious?

Homer

I'm afraid to count how many times I've said that.

Bart

No, you weren't even there. I was just trying to make it fun for the kid. You never take my side.

Homer

Side? Get a load of this kid with a side. [Yells at Bart] How dare you defend yourself? You are the destroyer!

Marge

Yes, that's it. The destroyer. You ruin everything, even our holiday picture. [Shows Bart their holiday picture]

Homer

There's no such thing as Christmas fangs! I had to wear a scarf to midnight mass.

Marge

I don't have a moment when I'm not worried about what you'll do next. [Loses her breath] I can't... I ju... I can't...

Homer

Babe, babe, tag me in. I can take him. [Marge tags Homer, and he leaps over the bed] Destroyer. Our house is filled with unexploded pranks. Any toilet seat could be covered in superglue.

Lisa

[enters the bedroom, carrying a glass of hot dog water] Bart put hot dog water in the ice maker. He's the destroyer!

Homer

I just told him that.

Lisa

Good. [puts the glass on the floor]

Homer

Ten years as your father has left me empty. Like an orange soda bottle at a picnic sticky and covered with dying bees! I'm just... I c-- I can't...

Marge

Babe, babe. [Homer tags Marge and collapses]

Marge

Okay, punishments. What's your least favorite vegetable?

Bart

Swiss chard. [gasps]

Marge

You're looking at a whole lot of swiss chard sandwiches, buster.

Homer

[gets up on his feet] And you're never allowed to read a book again!