Homer Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

Marge

Homer, you just volunteered.

Homer

Dear god. No. Stop. Yield.

Well, he's got the lingo down. This guy's a natural.

Marge

We have to meet the new neighbors before they hear about us from the old neighbors.

Homer

Hey, I have friends in this neighborhood. There's the guy whose lawn I used as a shortcut, the guy whose mailbox crashed into our car, and Mrs. Bad Halloween candy.

If my candy is so bad, why do you take so much of it?

Bart

I call a drumstick.

Homer

Nice try, boy, but we agreed I'd get both drumsticks every Thanksgiving on the day you were born.

Bart

Aw, no fair. I was too young to sign that.

Homer

I believe this is your foot, is it not? And I had it notarized.

Bart

[turns red in anger] Why you giant.. [angrily strangles Homer]

Lisa

[sighs] But the worst was yet to come. That Thanksgiving would surpass Christmas and my birthday as the saddest day of the year.

Marge

Oh, my head. Homie, what do you take for a hangover? Huh? [Homer is running away] Oh fine, be that way.

Homer

For once, I'm the one who spoke truth while drunk.

Marge

Oh, oh. Running away from a fight?

Homer

Well, I'm still mad at you!

Marge

Well, I'm still mad at you!

Homer

You told everyone that I don't care about romance, and now they think Homer Simpson is vanilla in the sack!

Carl

Me, too.

Barney

I use mine as corn holders.

Homer

Marge, baby, when I get this job, we're gonna be rich. Rich.

All right, Simpson, this is the 691st time you've left us for another job.

Homer

Yeah, well, I have a good feeling about this time.

So, we finally said what the hell, we have a form for everything else around here, so why not this?

Lisa

I am so sorry. You can sell my Malibu Stacy Dream House. It's increased in value. I just redid the kitchen.

Homer

Relax. We're not gonna sell your toys. The sax is where the real money is.

Marge

Homer.

Homer

What? My upper-lower, middle-lower, lower-class income isn't gonna get us out of this.

Marge

Hmm. In order to save this family, I'm gonna have to do something I've never done before, get a job.

Bart

Oh, you've had tons of jobs: cop, realtor, gym owner, erotic baker, weed sommelier.

Bart

Dad, where's my bike?

Homer

How would I know? I don't know. You probably lost it.

Bart

Dad!

Homer

I tipped it! I gave it to my barber because he cleaned up my eyebrows. [Crying hugs Bart] I'm so sorry, Bart! I'm so sorry.

Exact change? Huh. That's it?

Homer

Oh, I really want to tip you, Moe, but I promised my wife I'd quit.

Here's a thought, Homer. Uh, what if you took the moolah out of your pocket, but you just stop before anything happened. You know, uh, everything but the tip.

Homer

That doesn't seem like it could lead to anything.

Sure it couldn't.

Homer

[takes his wallet out of his pocket, giving Moe a $10] We shouldn't have done that.

Does that mean that you want to stop?

Homer

[giving Moe a another $10, moans] No. It feels so good. [giving Moe a another $10]

Don't stop, you generous man. Oh, yeah, give it to me, big boy.

Homer

You like that?

Oh, that's the spot.

Homer

I can do this all night.

Right there.

Homer

Tell me you want it.

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes!

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes!

Oh, God!

Homer

Yes! [cash flies into a Moe in his face]

Oh, God!

Carl

I need a new bar.

Marge

Ugh, Bart, stop it! This is enough!

Homer

Yeah, this isn't just some little quirk like wearing a fedora or being a Libertarian. You got a disgusting brain in a greasy jar.

Homer

Son, I can see you're experiencing some pretty big feelings right now. Let's try and center them. Now blow out your candles.

Bart

[scoffs] You blow 'em out, dumbass.

Homer

I know, I know. It's a lot to process suddenly having a great father.

Bart

Dude, you're not capable of change!

Homer

[through teeth] I hear you and I validate your feelings.

Bart

[sternly] You're not a great father, you are Homer Simpson. A drunk, neglectful sack of crap, and that's why everyone laughs at you!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little... [angrily strangles Bart, smashes onto his cake, then resets]

Marge

[switches the light on] Bart, look what you did to your cake.

Homer

Mmm, floor cake. [takes a bite of Bart's cake]

Bart

Ten. I stopped it. I'm still ten.

Marge

[to Bart] When are you going to grow up?

Bart

Never.

Homer

Fun fact about Jennifer Garner, Marge. She'll take a night at home with the kids over a Hollywood premiere any day of the week.

Marge

I told you that.

Homer

THIS IS BULL! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO SULLY SULLENBERGER!

Marge

Homer, stop it! You always do this. You'll get us banned.

Homer

So? We'll take our business elsewh--

Marge

There is no elsewhere. Because of your past behavior, you're on the No Fly List of every other airline in the country. Even Spirit.

Todd

Jesus is God's Rod.

Homer

[laughing] Jesus is God's Rod.

Blasphemy.

Homer

A million dollars!

Bart

I don't want stew. I want mac and cheese.

Homer

[turns red in anger] Eat your million-dollar stew. [grabs Bart's head and forces him to eat his bowl of stew]