Andy Bernard quotes from The Office (US)

Andy

I know you may not be feeling love for me right now, but if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference.

Dwight

Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Andy

Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.

Dwight

So you'll be reporting to me then.

Andy

On the contrary.

Dwight

My title has "manager" in it.

Andy

And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?

Dwight

I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Andy

Beer me!

Jim

What's that?

Andy

Hand me that water. I always say, "Beer me." Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.

Jim

Lord, beer me strength.

Pam

Thank goodness you were there

Michael

[shaking his head nervously] Yeah...

Andy

Did you see who did it?

Dwight

No need. We can just check the security tapes

Michael

It's kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

Jim

Who was driving?

Pam

oh Michael...

Andy

Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?

Angela

...Okay.

Andy

Into the mic, sweetie.

Angela

I said, okay.

Andy

She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!

Oscar

That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.

Andy

I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!

Oscar

Exactly, Andy.

Andy

Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.

Dwight

It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

Andy

No, that's... not how it works.

Michael

I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Andy

What's that smell?

Dwight

You're going to need to be more specific.

Angela

It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.

Dwight

Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.

Angela

You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?

Dwight

You want to eat, don't you?

Dwight

[Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!

Andy

I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!

Dwight

You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!

Andy

Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?

Dwight

Last year, idiot.

Michael

This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.

Andy

Hey-oh!

David Wallace

A cheese platter?

Andy

Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.

Pam

Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.

Meredith

Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.

Pam

I do not.

Andy

Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.

Kevin

Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.

Andy

Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?

Kevin

He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.

Michael

[in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.

Andy

Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?

Michael

Definitely.

Dwight

Smells like it.

Michael

Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.

Dwight

Word.

Andy

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Pam

Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.

Andy

That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.

Phyllis

How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?

Dwight

[feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.

Pam

Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.

Andy

Oh, really? From what, two to four?

Pam

[in confessional] Yup!

Andy

Hey, any fun weekend plans?

Erin

No, you?

Andy

Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?

Erin

Nothing. It's wide open.

Andy

Okay.

Andy

That's as hard as I can hint.

Andy

That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.

Michael

He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Mmm! It's not cappuccino.

Oscar

He messed yours up, too.

Darryl

He's got to go, Mike.

Michael

It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?