Andy Bernard quotes from The Office (US)

Andy

Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?

Oscar

Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?

Andy

Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.

Meredith

Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.

Andy

Why does Erin like Gabe?

Darryl

Andy, look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters...I'd choose you.

Andy

That's really nice. Thank you.

Darryl

And I'd blow your mind.

Andy

I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last—

Kelly

But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.

Andy

What are you…

Kelly

Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.

Erin

So tell me about your new girlfriend.

Andy

She's neat. I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.

Erin

Aw, cute.

Andy

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.

Pam

In costumes!

Jim

And impressions!

Toby

In meetings.

And cups of coffee.

Kevin

For birthdays!

Stanley

More meetings and...

...E-mail forwards you made us read.

Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!

Meredith

You hit me with your car!

Ryan

You helped me get off drugs!

Creed

I watch you when you sleep.

Oscar

I forgive you for kissing me!

Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.

Call, text or e-mail, or call.

Deangelo

[falsetto] Measure your life in love!

Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.

Andy

Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.

Jim

There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.

Kevin

Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.

Andy

If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.

Dwight

Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.

Andy

What e-mails are you talking about?

Dwight

"Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.

Andy

That's not that bad actually.

Dwight

"PS: We should kill him."

Dwight

What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?

Andy

That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.

Dwight

Where? Dark side or light side?

Andy

Light side.

Dwight

Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?

Andy

As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.

Dwight

Thank you, Andy.

Erin

Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.

Andy

Ah, OK.

Erin

It's about you.

Andy

That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.

Erin

It's that I wish Jessica was dead.

Andy

Y-you...wait, you mean you wish she wasn't here or something?

Erin

I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth.

Andy

Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.

Erin

Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?

Andy

Erin, you wanna go to Tallahassee?

Erin

I do. I really do. I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.

Dwight

You know, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to clear your head any more than it has been already.

Andy

Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.

What?

Andy

He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.

Angela

So he's alive?

Andy

Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.

Angela

Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.

Andy

How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.

Andy

[to Erin] Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you, and I want to be with you.

Where's the ring?

Andy

Hm?

Where's the ring, Lancelot?

Erin

Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn.

Erin

Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you.

[whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him?

[whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome.

Erin

Hey, don't listen.

Andy

You are not the manager. I earned that job. I was personally chosen after Robert was chosen and quit.

Robert

Andy, why don't you just take a seat?

Andy

Why don't you take a seat, you idiot? [throws chair]

Erin

And why don't you take all your stupid memos and your stupid pens and your dumb caramels?

Andy

And your stupid face! [grabs Nellie's photo off the wall and smashes it on the ground]And your stupid office! AHHH!

Darryl

He does not like that wall.

Robert California

Andrew, it's time for you to go home. You're better than this.

Andy

Yeah, I know.

Robert California

Everyone is better than this because this... Is the worst thing I have ever seen. [Sips the Energy drink meant for Asian Homosexuals, said to be flavored as Coconut Penis] Why did they add coconut? I miss the original. [chugs the rest of the can]

Andy

Why is Nellie still here?

Toby

You can only fire Nellie for cause.

Andy

Then I will make up a cause.

Toby

Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now, if she sues, I have to testify against you.

Andy

Then forget I just told you that.

Toby

I can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. Sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?

Andy

Now I know why Michael hated you so much.

Toby

No, he didn't.