Dwight Schrute quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

Hey, I thought you weren't supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you've had a crown put it?

Dwight

...They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.

Michael

Oh? sounds like a good dentist.

Dwight

Yeah...

Michael

What's his name?

Dwight

...Crentist.

Michael

Your dentist's name is Crentist... huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.

Dwight

Maybe that's why he became a dentist?

Dwight

Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.

Ryan

I don't think you know what you're saying.

Jim

I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.

Dwight

[reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO! [knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand] You'll thank me later.

Dwight

Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Andy

Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.

Dwight

So you'll be reporting to me then.

Andy

On the contrary.

Dwight

My title has "manager" in it.

Andy

And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?

Dwight

I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.

Dwight

[bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!

Toby

C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.

Jim

After you sir.

Dwight

No, thank you. I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.

Jim

Okay, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.

Dwight

Yeah, but it'll easier to stop. I can always black the blow. Or I can counter—[gets smacked in the face by Jim]

Michael

Guys! Beef: it's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat?

Dwight

I do! I want some man meat!

Jim

Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

Michael

Well then, my man meat he shall have.

Dwight

Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?

Jim

Andy, Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug.

Dwight

Okay, tell him that that's not true.

Jim

Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.

Dwight

Okay, no, Jim, tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. [Andy walks away] Jim! Tell him!

Jim

Andy... nah, that's too far.

Dwight

Damn you.

Dwight

Ready?

Michael

Let's do it. Drop that sucker.

Michael

BINGO! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

Michael

Oh crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess.

Dwight

Okay.

Michael

Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.

Jim

Question, what kind of bear is best?

Dwight

That's a ridiculous question.

Jim

False. Black bear.

Dwight

That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.

Jim

Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Jim

Question, what kind of bear is best?

Dwight

That's a ridiculous question.

Jim

False. Black bear.

Dwight

That's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.

Jim

Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Dwight

Bears do not—What is going on? What are you doing?!

Jim

Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to recreate the rest of the ensemble. And that's a grand total of... [calculates the total on his watch] eleven dollars.

Dwight

You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, so I thank you. [Jim places a bobble-head on his desk] Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

Jim

MICHAEL!

Dwight

Oh, that's funny. MICHAEL!

Dwight

I know what you're thinking. Won't that just shed more light on the penises? But that is a risk we have to take. Pam, you can draw, kind of, why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community.

Pam

Phallus?

Dwight

Phyllis, sorry. I've got penises on the brain.

Dwight

Sabotage.

Angela

What? What are you saying? Did you say sandwich?

Dwight

No, I was saying that before, not now. Now I am saying sabotage. The ancient Dutch art of screwing up your own team.

Angela

I knew you were saying sabotage. I was giving you an example of it. I will misunderstand everything that Andy says until he goes insane.

Dwight

If Michael organizes some kind of group hug, stand next to me.

Dwight

Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.

Jim

Oh, hey, Dwight.

Dwight

I'm going to be your new boss. It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.

Jim

Does my room have cable?

Dwight

No. And the sheets are made of fire!

Jim

Can I change rooms?

Dwight

Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

Jim

Can I have a late check-out?

Dwight

I'll have to talk to the manager.

Jim

You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?

Dwight

I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.

Jim

Okay, just so I understand it: in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell, and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Dwight

Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.

Jim

Go.

Dwight

$80,000 a year.

Dwight

Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?

Stanley

No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.

Dwight

What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?

Stanley

The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.