Dwight Schrute quotes from The Office (US)

Michael

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.

Dwight

WHERE!!?

Phyllis

WHEN!!?

Michael

It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could and she is going to be okay.

Stanley

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?

Pam

Thank goodness you were there

Michael

[shaking his head nervously] Yeah...

Andy

Did you see who did it?

Dwight

No need. We can just check the security tapes

Michael

It's kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

Jim

Who was driving?

Pam

oh Michael...

Angela

[after Dwight feeds her cat] Any problems?

Dwight

Well, you left the TV on. Also, your cat is dead.

Jim

Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?

Dwight

[sobs]

Jim

Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy... and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

Dwight

Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.

Jim

Oh, it has losers.

Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?

Dwight

Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

I'm taking Stanley.

Dwight

Then we will burn Utica to the ground.

Michael

Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.

Dwight

So what do we know about her?

Michael

Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.

Dwight

I hate her, too.

Michael

Why do you hate her?

Dwight

Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.

Michael

You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.

Dwight

Would that be such a bad thing?

Michael

Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Jim

[after pairing his headset with Dwight's cell phone] Hello this is Dwight.

Pam

[on phone] Is this Dwight?

Jim

Yes, it is.

Pam

Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.

Jim

Oh, thank you. I've been working out.

Dwight

Woah! Woah! Woah! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim!

Pam

Dwight?

Dwight

No! [waving] I'm over here!

Pam

I'm confused.

Oscar

That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.

Andy

I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!

Oscar

Exactly, Andy.

Andy

Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.

Dwight

It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

Andy

No, that's... not how it works.

Michael

I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Dwight

[Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.

Pam

Uh, yeah.

Dwight

Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.

Pam

I'm not going inside.

Dwight

Alright, first thing in the morning then.

Jim

[to Pam] Welcome back.

Andy

What's that smell?

Dwight

You're going to need to be more specific.

Angela

It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.

Dwight

Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.

Angela

You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?

Dwight

You want to eat, don't you?

Dwight

What is this?

Jim

Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.

Dwight

You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?

Jim

Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.

Dwight

Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.

Jim

I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

Dwight

Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my—[sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, which both break, causing Dwight to fall over]

Dwight

[Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!

Andy

I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!

Dwight

You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!

Andy

Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?

Dwight

Last year, idiot.

Dwight

Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.

Michael

That is true.

Dwight

Yes.

Michael

That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.

Dwight

Yeah.

Michael

Jan...Ryan.

David Wallace

How could you possibly think this was a good idea?

Dwight

Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.

Michael

Electricity.

Dwight

Shampoo.