Dwight Schrute quotes from The Office (US)

Dwight

I really like Andy these days. He's pretend, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. [thinks for a moment] Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we're in for an epic, confusing showdown.

Dwight

We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.

Dwight

Yesterday was the first round of a branch-wide paper airplane contest. It was being sponsored by WeyerHammer Paper in an effort to get us to sell more of their new product, Airstream Deluxe A4, the Cadillac of paper. Its not so easy on the environment, if you know what I mean. It's practically made of plastic.

Dwight

Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.

Michael

[points at Dwight's stapler inside the Jell-O] What is that?

Dwight

That's my stapler.

Michael

No, no, no! Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Dwight

OK, you know what? [to Ryan] You can be a witness. Can you reprimand him, please?

Jim

[eating cherry Jell-O] How do you know it was me?

Dwight

It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

Michael

Oooh, discipline. Kinky! [chuckles] Alright, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is that you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.

Dwight

Yeah.

Michael

And yeah. Jim, this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.

Jim

OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

Michael

[laughs] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.

Ryan

You should've put him in custardy.

Michael

Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.

Dwight

OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

Michael

Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

Pam

[during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be a very good driver.

Dwight

Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo

Dwight

OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?

Michael

Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Jim

Dwight, Don't you need health insurance?

Dwight

Don't need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam

Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?

Dwight

So I can lower it.

Michael

[trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

Dwight

Gimli.

Michael

Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Dwight

[to Toby] You said we could come to you if we had any questions... Where is the clitoris? On the website it said "at the crest of the labia." What does that mean? ...What does the female vagina look like?

Toby

[talking head] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

Phyllis

[to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?

Dwight

I'm a Sith lord!!

Michael

Dwight, what're you doing

Dwight

I found it under the seat.

Jim

Oh my God! Dwight! Put it down!

Dwight

I'm thirsty. [Jim sprays him] No!

Jim

Give the bottle to Michael.

Dwight

No. I'm thirsty.

Michael

Give the bottle to me, Dwight. [To Jim] Just keep your eyes on the road. Give me the bottle or you're fired.

Dwight

You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!

Michael

Give it to me, Dwight! [tries to grab it]

Dwight

No. [takes a sip] Mmm... [babbles insanely]

Dwight

It's a terrible idea.

Jim

What is?

Dwight

Them in there all together. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

Angela

Do you want to give Michael your urine?

Dwight

[deeply sincere] I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Michael

I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Jim

Oh, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan.

Michael

No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.

Phyllis

Afghani.

Michael

What?

Phyllis

Afghani.

Michael

That's a dog.

Pam

No, that's afghan.

Michael

That's a shawl.

Dwight

Wait, canine AIDS?

Michael

No, humans with AIDS.

Creed

Who has AIDS?

Jim

Guys, the Afghanistananis.