SpongeBob SquarePants · Season 9
How much do we need?
Careful, SpongeBob! Just two drops and that stuff could-
Got it. Two dro- [Squeezes out some drops in the barrel. A loud explosion occurs and SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are smeared in black and their faces are blown up.]
-blow our faces off.
Good morning, gentlemen. [SpongeBob and Patrick scream]
We've been rumbled! Run! Scatter! Scamper! Save yourself!
What's all this about? [walks backwards to alarm button, SpongeBob pulls off ski mask.] May I help you with anything, sir?
Ah. Yes, I need to make a withdrawal. I need to withdraw one Mr. Krabs!
I assure you, Mr. SquarePants, we've received no such deposit. [opens vault]
I've gotcha now, money sucker! That does it, Lizard-breath! It's you or me, now! Just you and me! [wrestles the vacuum, and breaks it. Laughs evilly] Ooh! I conquered the money dragon! Victory! Woo!
Security! [security throws them out] And don't forget your… eh… deposit. [tosses penny at Mr. Krabs]
You know, boyo. Through this whole ordeal, I've learned a little something about greed. A little something about isolation. Heh. Even a little something about love. And you know what I realized through it all?
That you can't put a price on freedom?
Barnacles no, boy! I realized that they didn't pay interest on me deposit! [shakes fist] Hey, you cheapskates! Give me me interest! [a penny is thrown at Mr. Krabs] Well. What do you know? I doubled me money. [laughs as the episode ends]
SpongeBob, before we're torn to shreds, I'd like to thank you for helping me look for Spot.
Aw, it was nothing. Hey, speaking of Spots. Did yo always have a double pupil?
A double what? [pulls Spot off eye] Spot! [dramatic music plays in the background] Thank entropy you're safe! You were hiding on my optical cornea the whole time! You sneaky little amoeba, you.
[Spot barks and licks Plankton. Plankton laughs]
Aw, I'm glad you found Spot. [animals shrieking] Unfortunately, the animals found us too.
Good-bye, Spot. I guess this is the end of the road for us.
[Spot growls, barks, and jumps out of Plankton's arms]
Spot, no!
[Spot barks at other animals. the animals laugh. Spot snarls and grows to a much larger size. Spot barks loudly at animals. The animals all run away back into their cages. The cages close. Spot growls and shrinks back to small size. Spot jumps back into Plankton's arms]
Wow, Spot! You saved us!
I taught him everything he knows!
[Spot barks and licks Plankton as the episode ends]
That thing's eating Squidward!
Not our bestest buddy! We gotta save him! Okay, play 33. I need you to go long. And... break. You're going down, Fisherman! [starts beating up Squidward's Fisherman costume while SpongeBob grabs Squidward's neck]
Don't worry, Squidward. We'll get you out of that old monster. Let's get to the window. [he and Squidward jump out of the window and Patrick throws heavy objects onto Squidward] Okay! I think you got it! [sirens sound; Squidward grumbles as he is taken into an ambulance] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, there, there, no need to thank us. We were only doing what friends to for the bestest buddy. Well, I guess we don't have to worry about that old monster anymore. [The Fisherman costume growls at them]
Huh?
[scream and run into ambulance. The Fisherman costume falls down, revealing Gary]
Meow. [starts sleeping on the costume]
Alright guys, I hate to be a party pooper, but it's a little late for all this noise. Time to wrap it up.
Oohh... big face doesn't want us as patrons anymore! How about we make like a tree... and leaf! [laughs]
Now wait just a minute, that is private property! Maybe you guys should leave!
Oh yeah? [ghost vomits]
Do I have to call-- [gets vomited on] Eww... ectoplasm.
Enough fooling around! How bout we have a good ol' time like we used to!? [ghosts chant as SpongeBob gasps. Ghosts destroy the Krusty Krab]
You better have a darn good reason for getting me outta bed! [ghosts continue partying inside as he gets slimed on]
That good enough for ya? [SpongeBob screams]
Mr. Krabs! Patrick! Help!
Sorry SpongeBob, but this is the part of the story where I run away again only this time I don't know where to run to, so I'm just gonna go circling around the building. [screams and starts running]
Looks like a certain foolish sponge has been conversin' with the unliving! All right you floating nuisances! Time for the bossman to mop up! [ghosts laughs] Batter up! H'ya! [whacks ghosts into bubble as a ghost roars] Yeah, and go back in which ye came! [pops bubble]
Hi, Mr. Krabs--
Never hold a séance, boy-o... without me permission, because ghosts are like relatives. Once you let them in, they never leave!
[takes out the oxygen tank and throws it on the ground] This gets real uncomfortable after a while. [breathes in. His face turns blue. He runs to the oxygen tank]
[enters the bathroom with a Krabby Patty on a plate] Sorry to bother you, Mr. the Cat, but I thought you'd just like a bite to... [drops the patty in shock] Whoa!
[breathes through the oxygen tank and sighs. SpongeBob starts to panic] Good thing I've got this oxygen tank and mask, or otherwise there's no way I'd be able to hold my breath for this long.
[camera zooms in to his heart which has a face similar to his. It loses a tooth and eye, then breaks] How could you, Kenny?! You broke my heart! Here I was this entire time believing your act, only to discover that it was nothing but... an act!
But it's not what you think!
There's no room for thoughts now. Only for tears. [runs away, sobbing]
SpongeBob, wait! [trips over the oxygen tank, and uses it again]
[while Squidward is sleeping at the register] Squidward!
Ahhh! What is your problem?
My problem is that you aren't working, which means I lose M-U-N-E-E, which means you lose your J-O-B.
Remind me again, is that good news, or bad news?
Tentacles, I mean it. You get back to mindin' that register.
Minding it for... which customer?
[both Mr. Krabs, and Squidward see that there's no customers inside the Krusty Krab]
I see your point. But still, I'm not paying you to dream sweet nothings. Do something. Pick up a mop, a window wiper. A broom, a spatuler, even!
SpongeBob's got that covered.
I'm back, fellas!
[still pulling on the Yeti Krab's head] Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I'm a little busy trying to pull off this stupid mask of yours.
Uh, Squidward?
What? [Squidward looks for a minute at Mr. Krabs and the Yeti Krab. He is finally convinced that the Yeti Krab is real, not Mr. Krabs in disguise. He shrieks as the Yeti Krab glares at him. The Yeti Krab grabs Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and the unconscious SpongeBob, ties them to the grill and turns the heat up to cook.]
We're as good as Yeti food! I blame Squidward!
[as he enters, the Krusty Krab, he notices Squidward] Squidward! Squidward, can you believe I made it?! [Old Man Jenkins appears to be hanging from the razor-wires on SpongeBob, and groans]
Congratulations.
[appears] What are you doing, boy?! You're scaring all me customers with your foul stench!
[hugs Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs!
[pushes SpongeBob off of him] Oh no, lad, you're not coming in here looking like that! [shot of SpongeBob looking like a wreck] You're going straight home for a nice long bubble bath! [Mr. Krabs pushes SpongeBob outside]
[sadly] Aye-aye, sir. [walks away]
What?! He gets to go home and take a bubble bath?! That's my thing!
Yes it is. And consequently, you are just neat as a pin! Now get to work!
I'm as neat as a pin? I'll show you neat as a pin! [he runs outside, and gets himself dirty by rolling in dirt, ripping off his shirt, and pouring dirt on his head] Where's my bubble bath, Mr. Krabs?! [Mr. Krabs sprays Squidward with a hose]
There you go! [a truck passes by and drives over a puddle, spraying Squidward, who is already laying in the puddle, with more water] Now get to work! [Sal exits out of his truck]
Uh, you guys open? I have coupons! "Buy one, get one free!"
Oh no! It says "Buy one for a fee!"
Oh! I stand corrected! [Mr. Krabs and Sal walk off-screen, leaving Squidward in the puddle, as the episode ends]
[checks his mirror which says, "Objects in Mirror Will Be Expensive." mirror pans to The Krusty Krab entrance and a sign saying "Broken Wall" appears] Oh, broken wall. [a sign saying "$15,000" appears] That's about $5,000. [the mirror pans to the inside of The Krusty Krab where smoke is coming out of the kitchen window and a sign saying "Kitchen Fire" appears] Oh, kitchen fire. [a sign saying "$6,523.87" appears] Oh, that'll be about 6 grand. Oh! A lawsuit? [mirror pans to Squidward hitting Harold on the head with a spatula and a sign saying "Lawsuit" appears along with a sign saying "$150,000,000,000."] Oh, that's a lot of zeroes! Oh. [his eyes deflate, but they quickly return back to normal]
[bubble transition to the boat breaking a "One Way" sign as Mr. Krabs gasps, then screams with SpongeBob as SpongeBob drives the wrong way on the road, avoiding other boats and a gasoline truck. The boat then goes out of control for a few seconds before stopping on the road again]
Well, at least I didn't hit the Krusty Krab that time. [chuckles nervously. The scene cuts to the other boats that were avoiding Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob crashing into the Krusty Krab, including the gasoline truck which destroys the Krusty Krab in a fiery explosion and leaving a charred Squidward left standing]
[quickly removes his relaxing stuff and takes out a phone book] Let's see here. Friends. [coughs and then blows away the dust, then sighs] [while looking through the phone book] Friends, friends... [keeps flipping the pages until he spots the number, "555-5717". Squidward gets surprised until it is revealed that the number was formed by little bugs] Hm. Yeah. I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing? No big deal. Anybody can make a friend by... [reveals more of the card that says...] "TONIGHT!"? [walks around the house] Let's see. There must be someone who's a real part of your life, Squidward. Who do you see every single day? Who do you know like the back of your suction cups? [sees SpongeBob out the window, laughing and playing with his jump rope] But, of course! It's so simple. [runs outside. SpongeBob falls on his jump rope] SpongeBob, I have something to ask you.
[happily blinks his eyes to the camera] Of course, I'll go to the opening with you!
That wasn't the question. Which way did the mailman go?
And here comes Squidward Tentacles and what must be either a bizarre piece of performance art or the saddest display of loneliness it has ever been my displeasure to report. One is inclined to suspect the second thing I said. The thing about sadness!
Right here is where all the biggest business decisions in the business are made. Why, if an imposter were to be caught in here, hmm…
He’d be given a sandwich and sent on his way?
No, he’d be convicted as a corporate spy and sent to jail forever and ever and ever.
[The pen is hurling towards Simmy]
[in slow motion, he runs to Simmy] Simmy, look out! There's a candied pen heading straight for your eye due to my act of swatting it away without first considering the trajectory! Oh, I wish I could give my words out faster, but everything's in slow motion! [The pen is about to hit Simmy] NO! [However, instead of hitting Simmy, it went through the robot. The pen lands on the ground and rolls to a projector. SpongeBob bangs on the projector, revealing that Simmy and Tally was just a trash can and a ball wash post] Simmy and Tally are holograms? Then that means... [The projector reveals that the world's most exciting roller coaster was actually a rotting corpse of a sea monster]
I was riding that? What about those delicacies I was eating?
[The projector reveals that the food Squidward ate was just rotten chum. The projector also revealed that the pen he was sucking on was a caterpillar. Squidward freaks out and rubs his tongue in disgust. The projector reveals that the van Plankton drove on was an old broken down van. Mr. Krabs gasps in wonder what the stuffed walruses were. But nothing happens.]
Whew! That was a clo... [The projector reveals that the stuffed walruses were actually fish skeletons. Mr. Krabs screams in terror and the skeletons crumble to dust] You saved me, boy. How did you do it?
I guess my mind was all sharp from the relaxing fun I had at your company picnic, Mr. Krabs.
[walks up to them] Unbelievable! [Mr. Krabs picks Plankton up] Uh-oh. [Mr. Krabs puts Plankton on the disk-shaped paper with mustard and throws him out in the distance. Once it landed, there was an explosion]
[jumps up as a rainbow appears and jellyfish fly around] The greatest company picnic ever!
Alright, enough relaxing. Back to work! [laughs as he leaves]
[The episode ends with SpongeBob still being in the air and an angry Squidward gets stung in the head by a jellyfish]
[after seeing a truck, he hides Senor Poopus behind his back, run and trips over a snail, and falls face flat in the sand. He emerges with his face full of sand and disfigured like Quasimodo] Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Everybody in. Everybody in!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
