[It was night time at Le Chm Bucket with a huge line. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob enters the restaurant disguised as rich noblemen in tuxedos]
Oohh! Just act like another fancy customer.
Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs covers SpongeBob mouth]
Shh! [stammering] What's gotten into you? Highfalutin customers don't bark at the top of their lungs like a seadog.
Oops, uh... I mean, I fancy a bit of the old chum. Indeed I do, Squire.
Good evening, Madam. Table for two, please?
I be Eugene....er.... I mean, uh, [looks at the used ketchup wrapper on the floor] Sir Krumple O'Wrapper. Uh, that's me name. Don't wear it out.
Alright, let's pull up your reservation. [looks through the reservation sheet] Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. I'm not showing any "O'Wrapper."
Reservation? In this sinkhole?!
There's a two-year wait for a table.
[walks over to Karen; annoyed] What's seems to be the problem? [much to his surprise, he notices Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob on their mustache disguises and doesn't buy it] Well, well, well, [blows Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob's disguises off their faces with a fan] if it isn't Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob. Now just follow me. I believe I have a table reserved just for you. [the 'table' that Squidward 'reserved' for Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob turns out to be a toilet. It turns out that Squidward just wanted to get his revenge on Mr. Krabs for not valuing him and SpongeBob for all those times he annoyed him. Squidward puts a tablecloth on the toilet] Bon Appetit, Suckers! [laughs at them as he walks away. Soon, everyone joins in the humiliation by laughing at Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob as they leave the restaurant in sadness and humiliation] See you in two years! [laughs and scoffs at them]
Yeah, see how you like it, Krabs! [laughs along with Squidward as Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob leave]
[Meanwhile, the line keeps getting longer and longer and Squidward continues to serve his Chum Fricassee to his customers and fans]
Here you go, folks. Enjoy my world famous Fricassee. [All of a sudden, someone bursts through the front door which turns out to be Squidward's grandmother and she's not very happy] Grandma!?
TGrandma Tentacles
[enters the restaurant and corners her grandson by the kitchen doors] Someone's been cooking my recipe, [sniffs] and they're doing it wrong!
TGrandma Tentacles
Saving my recipe from my bumbling grandson. [crushes Squidward's foot with her walker]
Ow! I didn't do it! Uh, uh, it was him! [points to Plankton]
[Plankton is seen exiting the kitchen with the plate of chum and hears what Squidward said about him, becomes furious. He throws the plate of chums in rage and pins the blame back on Squidward.]
What?! Oh, you're not pinning this on me! You said you didn't care if it was ready or not!
[fearfully] Ok, I admit it! I admit it! But—but—but what's the big deal? [Grandma Tentacles crushes his foot with her walker for second time] Ow!
TGrandma Tentacles
The big deal is when the chum is not cooked for exactly 24 hours, it causes severe tummy trouble.
[Listening to Grandma Tentacles, customers form a mob. The customers are enraged by what they're hearing to Grandma Tentacles.]
MFMale Fish
You fed us undercooked chum?!
TGrandma Tentacles
Tear him apart, people! [The fancy customers form a mob and start to attack Squidward and Plankton. They do an uproar, following what his grandmother says.]
I've had it, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! [Fred picks up a trash can, then throws it on a table. Other customers throw their chum meals on the ground and on the wall of the Chum Bucket. Another customer rips apart of an awning. Frank grabs a napkin holder, throwing napkins on the floor. Plankton pops up near the napkins.]
Not the napkins! [Frank doesn't listen to Plankton.]
AMAngry Mob
[An axe chops Squidward's picture in half.] He got what he deserves, that's what I say! [Else where in the exterior of Le Chum Bucket, it bursts into flames caused by the mob. As the restaurant is on fire, the customers run out of the bucket building.] It's on fire! It's all burning! Run! [the fire incinerates the restaurant, leaving only Plankton and Squidward standing with charred faces]
My restaurant! [begins crying]
My fan base! [Squidward also starts sobbing]
TGrandma Tentacles
I hope you learned your lesson, genius. [crushes Squidward's foot with her walker for third time as a punishment for his selfishness and wrongful acts]
Ow! [cries along with Plankton in despair]
[cuts to the Krusty Krab] Gee, Mr. Krabs. It sure was nice of you to hire Squidward back. Especially since he tried to destroy your business and all.
I figure it's the least I can do for him. After causing all that mayhem over at the Chum Bucket, in fact, I promoted him. He's our new doormat!
No! [laying on the floor like a doormat as punishment for their humiliation] Living the dream! [Moaning and groaning, some customers who destroyed the Chum Bucket wipe their feet on Squidward and the episode ends.]
[Meanwhile, cut to SpongeBob putting mayonnaise in a box, then taping it up, then cut to Mr. Krabs putting down a clock as a bulldozer arrives.]
[sad] It's time. [goes outside on the street and waits for the truck to stop in front of him]
SState officer
[puts one of the bulldozer's windows down] So, who's getting bulldozed today?
[with the clipboard] Oh, not me, your bureaucraticness. I completed my petition. [Mr. Krabs is worried]
SState officer
The people have spoken. Step aside, Mr. Krabs. [Part of the bulldozer smokes fire out.]
But... but... [as he backs up, the bulldozer follows him, towards the Krusty Krab.; angry] No! I'm not going anywhere!
SState officer
Please comply, Mr. Krabs. It'll be quick and painless.
If you wanna bulldoze me restaurant, [locks himself up] it's gonna be long and painful!
[is seen at the top of the restaurant, also locked up; angry] Stand your ground, Mr. Krabs! We are right behind you, right, Squidward? [the lock is empty] Squidward?
[Squidward is outside his home, with an umbrella on top of him, sitting on a chair, and drinking a cup of tea, happily.]
SState officer
[moves his bulldozer closer to the restaurant] Okay, now this is really your last chance.
[still angry] I'm never leaving the Krusty Krab!
SState officer
Fine. Have it your way. [pushes a lever]
[chuckles evilly, while setting up himself a movie theater seat, then sits on it] Bring it on! Bring the destruction! [munches on popcorn]
[part of the bulldozer smokes more fire out, and the bulldozer starts to move even closer to the restaurant.; sad] Goodbye, Krusty Krab! [As he closes his eyes, the bulldozer begins to push into the restaurant, but only moves it 1 foot then stops; confused] Eh?
SState officer
Thank you for your cooperation.
[spits the popcorn out, angry] What?! Excuse me, sir, but, uh... [stands on the seat] you forgot to level the place!
SState officer
Demolition is outside of my purview. I simply ensure that restaurants comply with the 100 foot ordinance. [measures the distance with a tape measure and says the 1 foot on it] That's 1 more foot. Perfect! [walks away from the restaurant]
[jumping on the seat, still angry] But that's not fair! [slips inside and the seat closes on him]
So you're not gonna destroy the Krusty Krab?
[jumps inside the bulldozer, hugging the state officer] Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [as the state officer accidentally pulls the lever, the truck goes backwards. He and SpongeBob look out the window and are in shock as they are heading towards the Chum Bucket] Oh, dear. [the bulldozer crashes through the Chum Bucket, destroying it]
[Meanwhile, he's free from the seat after struggling to.; still angry] Come on! Let's do this! I wanna see some destruction! [as he gasps, he finally sees the destroyed Chum Bucket] I think I've seen enough. [goes back inside the seat as the episode ends]
[riding a small plane, laughing] Secret formula, you are mine! [ejects himself out of the plane]
[The plane hits the safe, but the safe is still okay.]
Perhaps I misjudged the scale on that one. [landing] That does it! Listen up, safe, I will spill your contents, even if I have to tear you apart... [rips a piece of the safe] BIT BY BIT! [rips the piece he just rips] MOLECULE BY MOLECULE!! [rips a molecule in half] ATOM BY ATOM!!! [rips an atom in half; it starts to glow and buzz. Plankton, despite going to college, had clearly forgotten what happens when you split an atom] Uh-oh.
[the split atom explodes, setting off a nuclear explosion, obliterating the Krusty Krab and the safe.]
Surely, the safe couldn't survive nuclear detonation. Come to papa! [takes the bottle containing the secret formula]
[A mail truck drives through the mountain range. Patchy is driving the truck. He appears to be parodying S.D. Kluger from the song "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town."]
PPPatchy the Pirate
Merry Christmas, kids! I bet you're wondering why ol' Patchy has this mail truck. Well, this year, I wanted to be absolutely sure Santa got me letter, so I gave Mr. Mailman the day off.
[He puts his pirate hat on the mailman tied up and gagged in the back of the truck, puts on his mailman hat and closes the door]
Do you even know how to get to the North Pole?
Oh, Potty, you silly parrot. Everyone knows that the directions to the North Pole are in the lyrics of the song "Jingle Bells." ♪Dashing through the snow, in a... [Mumbles] Through the fields we go. Fa la la la la.♪ Okay. So we're looking for some fields here.
No, Patchy, the directions to the North Pole are in the song, "There Goes Santa Claus." ♪There goes Santa Claus. There goes Santa Claus. Left on Santa Claus Drive.♪ Scurvy brain.
Yeah, well, we ain't turnin' till we see some fields.
Look out! There's a fork in the road!
[The truck spins after the fork gets caught in the tire and they both scream.]
While we wait for the truck to stop spinning, let's see what SpongeBob is up to this Christmas.
[The camera zooms in on Bikini Bottom and into a pineapple house. A stop-motion SpongeBob and a stop-motion Gary are sleeping. An alarm clock goes off and sleigh bells are heard instead of the foghorn noise. He wakes up.]
SSSpongeBob SquarePants
♪Oh, it's drawing very near. My favorite time of the year. [He jumps out of bed and up the ladder] The snow is falling and the cold wind blows. [He gets up on the diving board, and jumps on it] Christmas is almost here. [He jumps up, automatically removing his pajamas and changing into his square pants] And I know that Santa, Santa. Santa has his jolly little eyes on me! [He spins Christmas lights around his pineapple] It keeps me warm and filled with glee to know Santa has his eyes on me. I light my house like a Christmas tree. Fa la la la la la la la lee. 'cause Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little... [A Santa hat pops out of SpongeBob's head] Eyes on me.♪
[He walks over to a house where a stop-motion Squidward is putting up lights]
Hi, Squidward. What are you doing today?
SJSquidward J. Q. Tentacles
Stringing lights so Santa knows, in no uncertain terms... [turns on lights reading "GO AWAY"] ...To "GO AWAY"!
Okayy...[Skips up to a stop-motion Patrick next to a box on a stick tied with string to a cookie] ♪Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me. He sees everything I do, with his left eye on me and his right eye on you!♪ [sees the box] Ooh, what's that?
PSPatrick Star
It's a trap! A trap for Santa!
Ooh, baited with Christmas treats?
[singing, to the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" tune] I will trap Santa in my box, locked up like Fort Knox and make him stop the clocks, and then we'll have Christmas all... year... looo-ooo-ong! [sees the cookie meant as bait] Hey, a cookie! [gets trapped by himself, anyway, as a result]
[SpongeBob skips to the Krusty Krab]
♪Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me.♪ Hi, Mr. Krabs! Are you ready for Christmas?
Why, Christmas is me favorite time of the year! After all, 'tis the season of gettin'!
Don't you mean the season of giving?
Exactly! The more you give, the more I get. [Laughs]
SJSheldon J. Plankton
♪Oh, Santa, Santa, Santa has his eye on me. He's seen everything I've done. Every plot, plan, and scheme. It's just a bit of fun. Santa has his eye on me. Every naughty deed is written in his scroll. So every Christmas morning, I get a stocking full of coal!♪ [Dumps out coal from his stocking]
KPKaren Plankton
Maybe you'd get a real present from Santa if you weren't the biggest jerk in Bikini Bottom.
I'm way ahead of you, Karen! [Periodic Table lowers from ceiling. Plankton walks over to it and sticks a piece of notepad paper on it. The paper says Jt for Jerktonium] There is one element in the known universe that can turn even the nicest sap into the biggest jerk they can be! And I, Plankton have discovered it. Behold! [Plankton pulls a lever] Jerktonium! [A piece of Jerktonium contained in a glass capsule lowers from the ceiling] I'll give everyone in Bikini Bottom a present of the most innocent of all holiday goodies. The fruitcake! [picture of a fruitcake appears on screen while he says the fruitcake] And each and every slice will be laced with Jerktonium! Once ingested, no one can help becoming the biggest, creepiest, meanest jerk ever! Then Santa will realize that Sheldon J. Plankton isn't so bad after all! And then I'll finally get what I really want for Christmas, the Krabby Patty secret formula! [Plankton jumps on an oven and holds the fruitcake] And now for the main ingredient, Jerktonium! Okay, Jerktonium, do your stuff! It's complete! [Laughs] Ha ha! The Jerkmaker 9000 will make doling out tainted fruitcake a breeze! Now, who's gonna be my first victim?
Hey, Plankton! What've you got there? [Gasps] Hey! Is that a fruitcake dispenser? You don't suppose I could have a piece, do ya?
Ahoy, everybody! [clicks his fingers and mistletoe appears over the heads of the two fish he fed Plankton's fruitcake to, curing them of jerktonium poisoning. He clicks again and a pile of presents appears, curing two other fish. A little boy begins to play Christmas baubles like bells] [singing] Bring joy to the world, it's the thing to do, but the world does not revolve around you.
Don't be a jerk.
It's Christmas! [Throws a snowball at Mr Krabs and cures him]
Be nice to babies and animals.
Old folks, too.
'Cause that's how you'd like them to treat you!
Use turn signals.
Don't screen my calls.
Don't you wreck the house when you deck the halls.
Spit your gum where it won't wind up on my shoe.
Squeeze toothpaste from the bottom of the tube.
Don't be a jerk.
It's Christmas! It's Christmas! [hands a gift to Pearl, who continues to pass it down a line, curing people as they receive it, except for Squidward, who is unaffected]
When others are talking, never interrupt.
Don't put people down or leave the toilet seat up.
'Tis the season to be jolly, not jerky!
SSSpongeBob's Friends and Co.
[in background chorus' voices] Jolly, not jerky!
Santa brought nearly every gift on your list.
Why whine about the 1 that he missed?
Don't be a jerk!
SSSpongeBob's Friends and Co.
[in background chorus' voices] Don't be a jerk.
It's Christmas! It's Christmas!
Don't be a jerk.
SSSpongeBob's Friends and Co.
[in background chorus' voices] Don't be a jerk.
It's Christmas! It's Christmas!
