Hey, SpongeBob! [notices SpongeBob in his underwear] You're in your underwear. That's cool. [shoves a large envelope onto SpongeBob's face] I got your mail. What is it?
[pulls out envelope from his face] It's my life insurance. I got one for you too!
Oh boy, life insurance! [jumps around joyfully] Life insurance, life insurance, life insurance, life insurance! [suddenly stops moving in mid-air] What's life insurance?
I'm not sure, but I think that means for the rest of our lives we are protected. We can't get hurt.
[stares at the contract, closely chews the contract, then spits out the contract] This contract tastes legitimate, but I don't believe it! [squeezes moist contract]
Well, let's try to get hurt, and we'll see?
Huh! Well, finally, something I'm good at.
[SpongeBob bounces inside his bubble boat and makes it go faster. A boat in back of the girls' boat crashes at seeing SpongeBob's bubble boat. Just then, a motorcycle cop comes by.]
Pleasant day for a drive, hey, Officer?
MCMotorcycle Cop
Sir, I'm going to need to see your license for that, um...
[laughs] You don't need a license to drive a bubble.
MCMotorcycle Cop
Hmm, I suppose you're right. Carry on, citizen.
[SpongeBob drives off with his bubble boat.]
[Plankton walks casually to Mr. Krabs' office, wearing a headset. Nobody notices him come in: the customers are busy eating and Squidward is snoring away at the counter]
That's right, Karen. By the time those two knuckleheads figure it out, I'll be knee-deep in secret formula!... Yes, I'll wear my galoshes.
[Before the episode starts, there are a group of red people known as the Greek Chorus appear on the title card and they're talking to us]
GCGreek Chorus
Behold! We are the Greek Chorus! We'll narrate this epic tale...of stupidity!
[The title card music plays and the episode starts soon after]
[picks up the patty with SpongeBob] Ah-ha! You're getting sloppy, Plankton. Squidward almost squashed ya. [laughs] Back to the bucket with ya! [opens the door]
No! No, Mr. Krabs! It's me! [gets kicked out and sent flying to the doors of the Chum Bucket] Whoa-ho! [lands safely on the floor]
[Karen scans SpongeBob]
Ooh! [giggles] That tickles.
Well, SpongeBob SquarePants, it looks like you lost a little weight.
Oh, hi, Karen. Where's Plankton?
[SpongeBob looks down and sees that he is sitting directly on Plankton]
SpongeBob? Why are you so small? Is this a trick?
Calm down. He's clean. I frisked him.
I didn't mean to get small like you, Plankton. It was a freak accident.
Huh? Who are you calling a freak?! Wait a second. [giggles and takes out a tape measure] Hold this. [measures SpongeBob while he holds the tape; gasps] You're not small like me, Shorty! I am a towering half-a-millimeter taller than you! [laughs evilly] I win! [laughs evilly]
Hooray! [lets go of the tape and Plankton gets himself tangled in it] I'll get that.
Don't touch that! [gets sliced up by the tape]
[falls into pieces] Get him outta here, Karen!
Way ahead of ya, Chief. [flicks SpongeBob out of the Chum Bucket and sends him flying into the windows of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob slides down the window just as a purple kid comes by]
Huh? SpongeBob, what's going on?
Oh, hey— [SpongeBob and Patrick hit each other] Sandy. Patrick and I are— [SpongeBob and Patrick hit each other again] in the middle of a sports game.
[Patrick jumps onto SpongeBob]
This sure don't look like any sport I've seen before. [SpongeBob and Patrick hit each other again]
I believe it's called kickboxing, or something? [Patrick falls down]
Well, whatever it is, it seems to be causing you lots of pain. [SpongeBob hits Patrick]
Ow! Sure is. [gets hit again] Ooh!
Why not stop playing it if it hurts so bad?
We can't stop... [panting] Until we break our tie.
[The trumpeters play and fog steams out from between the booths]
SSShark Son
It's the rule giver.
[The crowd murmurs as Don the Whale, Frank the Muscular Goldfish, and Larry the Lobster carry Squidward, who is in a grim reaper outfit, onto the field. They set him down and the crowd cheers]
I ain't never heard of a rule giver.
[flips his hood] I prefer "King of Sports," but you can never tell what will catch on with the small folk.
You're making up a game where SpongeBob and Patrick hurt themselves, and you won't let them stop?!
I'm just giving the people what they want.
That's pretty low, Squidward, even for you. I'm putting a stop to this. SpongeBob and Patrick have had enough! [SpongeBob and Patrick appear brutally beaten up by Squidward's so-called games]
MMan
AAAAAAAAAUUURRGGHH!!!
See? They're fine. Let the games resume. [Sandy grumbles and the audience cheers]
Oh, I don't think so. Y'all want to see a game? Fine. Squidward, I challenge you to a game—a game of basketball. Winner decides the fate of SpongeBob and Patrick. [throws basketballs in Squidward's face]
Huh? [the crowd cheers] Me? Play sports? No, no. I'm mostly in an advisory position.
JGJimmy Gus
Aw, come on! We came to see some action! Play the squirrel! Play the squirrel!
CCrowd
Play the squirrel! Play the squirrel!
See you on the court, Your Highness. [shoves the crown down Squidward's face]
Hey, where'd the new instructor go? Oh, well, I still have ten minutes left on my driving lesson. [singsong] Oh, Mrs. Puff?
[Mrs. Puff whimpers and her eyes widen. She freaks out and runs over to the solitary confinement cell, knocking on the doors.]
I'll confess to anything! Throw away the key! It's not safe out here! Let me in!
[Three police cars fall and crash behind SpongeBob.]
OOfficers
Drive safely, and always wear your seat belt!
Hey, speaking of lost, where's Squidward?
[Squidward, who is still in the Lost and Found, screams as he is being swept away in a river of the lost world. He blows the kazoo and continues to scream and even bawl uncontrollably as the Tylosaurus and Tanystropheus swim and stomp over him respectively.]
[Inside the Ice Cream Store, it was the most amazing thing Patrick has ever seen. There are sprinkle fountains, chocolate syrup waterfalls and rivers, candy cane trees, ice cream mountains, and an ice cream roller coaster that goes around tables. Patrick's mouth begins to water and he slowly walks over to the counter]
And a good ice cream day to you, sir.
Yes, it's a good day for ice cream!
And what's your pleasure?
Oh, I want your bestest ice cream for my bestest buddy, SpongeBob!
Excellent choice, sir. One Heavenly Paradise coming up.
[Lou pulls the rubber cow utter and the Heavenly Paradise sundae comes down on a roller coaster cart. The customers cheer and applaud as Patrick's eyes glimmer. The trumpeters blow their candy cane trumpets and the sundae stops right in front of Patrick. Patrick jumps up and down in excitement and the Ice Cream Store employee hands him a spoon. Patrick grabs the spoon and gives the employee his coupon]
SpongeBob won't mind if I just take a little taste.
Are you the exterminator?
Oh. [laughs] No. I'm not the extra gator. I'm here to redeem my coupon for a free ice cream! It's for my bestest friend, but it's out of date.
[points to a pile of coupons] They're all out of date because I don't know what year it is.
I don't know what anything is. [he and the Ice Cream King look at each other]
[thinks for a bit] Apples?
Genius! Let's see your head. [squeezes Patrick's head] I can't feel your brain.
[lifts his foot with his brain appearing in it] It's down here today.
[lifts his foot with his brain appearing in it] Mine too! High 5! [they do a high 5 but end up hitting each other] Secret handshake? [they both slap each other and fly around all over the place until they stop] Perfect! You don't know the secret handshake either. Hey, I don't know your name. [pushes Patrick]
Hey, you're right! [pushes the Ice Cream King]
[snatches the coupon from Patrick] This may still be redeemable according to the fine print.
Oh, hello, Patrick. What's up?
I was gonna give you this ice cream, [holds out the melted ice cream cone] but it melted. Instead, I got you this hearty handshake. [holds out one of Mr. Krab's claws]
Aw, I love hearty handshakes, but not as much as I love ice cream! [points to the Heavenly Paradise sundae in the middle of the living room; holds up a spoon] Care to join me?
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Whoo-hoo! [jump into the sundae and ice cream splatters all over the screen, which forms the words, "The End," ending the episode]
[Bubble transition to Squidward going to Rock Bottom on a bus.]
BDBus Driver
Last [raspberry] stop, [raspberry] Rock [raspberry] Bottom! [raspberry]
[Squidward exits the bus and two very creepy fish swim past him.]
[reads bag] "237 Rock Bottom." Oh, there it is! Oh, remember, Squidward, real artists embrace the unknown. [goes down the ladder] Uh, is anyone here? [raspberry] I've got a delivery from the Krusty [raspberry] Krab! [creepy fish come up and blow raspberries at Squidward as he screams in fear]
[screams as he appears next to Squidward] What are we screaming about?
Oh, they're not monsters, Squidward. They're my friends.
AFAngler Fish
What's [raspberry] up, [raspberry] SpongeBob? Ha. [raspberry]
[The angler fish and gang put on party hats and dance as they blow raspberries.]
