TV show quotes
And he don't buy nothin' else neither. He just makes that disgustin' condiment soup and listens to his radio, all for free. [Old Man Jenkins bangs on the radio to turn it on and sips on his "condiment soup"] And anytime someone says somethin' to him, it's always the same response...
Excuse me, could you turn the volume down on your soup?
Respect your elders! [hits Frankie Billy on the head]
Yes, sir! Sorry, sir! [runs off crying]
[cool voice] Hey, cool crowd. What's shaking? Oh, yeah. [enters the lounge] Hey, hipsters. It's groovy, cats. Oh, I can dig it. [One patron squeals happily and melts. SpongeBob slides across the floor just as the lounge's Maître D' shows up.]
Maître D': Oh, welcome, man. You're the coolest customer we've ever had.
[cool voice] Oh, crazy, Daddy. Crazy. [pinches his cheek]
Maître D': Can I seat you at the coolest table? [points to the coolest table with all the cool people in it]
[cool voice] No, thank you. I'm here to meet up with a real cool cat. Oh, there he his. Hey, Squideroonie!
[Squidward struggles to get his foot out of the chair, but falls over.]
Maître D': [deeply shocked] You're with him?
[crawls over to SpongeBob] Yes, you're with me. And he is my— best... [twitches his eye and struggles to say "friend"] friend...
[cool voice] You heard the man, folks. He's my best friend. Can you dig it? [snaps his fingers]
Maître D': [confused] Huh? [Everyone snaps their fingers.]
[The Dirty Bubble goes to the Goo Lagoon]
I think, for dessert, I'll eat more dirt! [laughs evilly]
Not Goo Lagoon! [The Dirty Bubble sucks up Goo Lagoon. SpongeBob grabs out paper and pencil to write quickly his last words] Thank you, my beloved pet Gary, thank you, my big pineapple, and my toolshed, and my mailbox, and Patrick! [Sobs as the dirt level increasingly gets higher and higher. Starts absorbing all the dirt.] Uh, what? Wow. Sometimes I just forget how absorbent I am. [proceeds to spin around inside like clothes in a side-loader washing machine]
Wait, what? Ow, just... stop spinning, you sponge! You're stealing my grunge! [slowly shrinks, stammering] Stop that rhyme! [screams as he is absorbed by SpongeBob] [SpongeBob falls into Goo Lagoon's seabed. Burps out an shrunken version of the Dirty Bubble.] [high pitched] I may be a squirt, but I'm still full of dirt! [evil laughs]
Aww, little mini DB is so cute! [Dirty Bubble spits dirt onto SpongeBob's eyelid. Officer Johnson catches Dirty Bubble and puts him into a jar held by lady officer]
We got him!
Every time I wash dishes, I will think of you.
Hmph. Every time I have nightmares, I'll think of you, too! [complaining noises]
Thank you, citizen. We'll take it from here.
[Pretends to be the Dirty Bubble] It was a dirty job, but somebody had to do it. [evil laugh] [Police officers gasp] Just kidding! [laughs] [Police officers laugh with him. SpongeBob suddenly feels the urge to sneeze, splattering goo all over the place.]
[angrily] Gesundheit.
Thank you! [looks at lady officer] You got some schmutz under there. [Wipes off goo from her face. Grabs out a tissue and laughs.]
Well, now this is very nice indeed [begins the relax on his bed until he melts on the bed to the bathroom tub] Mmm... This is Heaven. [All of a sudden, SpongeBob enters Squidward's room, starts laughing, and exits out.] Hello? [peeks out] Anyone there? Hello? [Squidward shrugs it off and continues relaxing. He then drowns into the tub. Suddenly, Patrick comes from the other side to enter Squidward's room, starts laughing, and exits out.] Hello? Did someone just come in? [Both SpongeBob and Patrick enter Squidward's room until they bump into each other.]
Don't you just love playing Hotel: Slam and Run?
I enjoy it an... [puts his tooth back into his mouth] ...intellectual challenge.
[SpongeBob and Patrick stands up, starts laughing, and both run out of Squidward's room. Squidward peeks from the bathroom with a robe on and a towel on his head.]
Alright, I know I heard something in here! Ohh... [rubs his eyes] Maybe I'm just not relaxed enough.
Oh, boys, right here! Oh, I could use a babysitter!
Yay!
Ooh! [he and Patrick rush towards Mary] While you go out, and dance, and revel...
...We will watch your little devil!
[SpongeBob and Patrick swirl her around] Yes! [hugs Patrick] Oh, thank you! [hugs SpongeBob then runs off] Thank you!
Wait! Where's the baby?
She's inside! I'm free! I'm free! Hahahahaha!
[Mary hops away happily while SpongeBob and Patrick look confused at each other. But they both shrug and enter the house.]
Hmm, strange... There don't seem to be any baby items in here. Hmm... [looks in a cabinet to find not baby items but old-woman stuff] Okay, pills, pills, dentures, more pills, hemorrhoid cream. [closes the cabinet but then notices a little birthday note stuck on the bottom-left corner of the cabinet] "Happy birthday to mother on her 137th birthday." Aw. [gasps and realizes the truth] 137th BIRTHDAY!!?? [hyperventilating] Oh! Baby Prunes isn't a baby, she's an old lady!!!
[SpongeBob and Squidward chase after the Mr. Krabs look-alike through random happenings. They chase him on the back of dinosaurs with human heads. Then they chase him through a black and white dimension. SpongeBob drops the patty, but picks it up. They continue to chase the Mr. Krabs look-alike until they finally manage to make it back to their normal dimension.]
[see the Krusty Krab] Huh?
It's the Krusty Krab! [he and Squidward enter the restaurant] Hey, Mr. Krabs, thanks for showing us the way out of RandomLand.
[The Mr. Krabs look-alike turns around and reveals himself that he is not Mr. Krabs, but an individual from RandomLand.]
Excuse me, I'm not Krabs. The name is Rodger and I walked all the way from 86 Screwball Street to complain about never getting my delivery.
Oh, your delivery, my good man. [Rodger eats the patty with his eyestalk-like hat and smiles] Mission accomplished. Better late than never.
[sobs] Better never! If it's late, [pulls down the menu and points to the delivery notice] it's free! [sobs uncontrollably, pushes the register button with the signs "No Sale" and gets pushed into the kitchen]
[The strange lady creature takes the Krusty Krab bag, blows in it, and pops it, turning the screen white. The worm crawls around as the screen turns black. It forms a second head on its tail and it smiles with the word, "End," appearing in its teeth, ending the episode.]
[customers in the Krusty Krab are eating slowly, and making noises while doing so, which gets Squidward more and more angry with each noise. A customer burps which pushes Squidward to his breaking point]
AAAH! ANOTHER ROTTEN DAY AT THE KRUSTY KRAB! Not that anyone's listening.
[Scene cuts to Larry's Gym, where Mr. Krabs arm-wrestles and defeats other tough fish like Reg and the Popeye fish. Plankton hops onto the table, in front of Mr. Krabs.]
I want a rematch, Krabs!
[dismisses Plankton] Boring. [shrugs] But whatevs.
[pretends to be in pain, clutching his hand] Oh no, not a hand cramp! Not now! [smugly] Luckily I have a last-minute substitution, standing by. [takes a deep breath and blows a whistle]
[The ground rumbles and the Chum Bucket glove punches a hole into Larry's Gym. The glove then flicks the tough fish away with his fingers and makes its way to the wrestling table, about to wrestle with Mr. Krabs. Scene cuts to Larry the Lobster holding the mallet to ring the bell, but he faints onto the bell causing it to ring. The match between Mr. Krabs and the glove begins, and he struggles to defeat the glove.]
[groaning in pain] Eeeh – oh, oh – oh — [Plankton is seen with an evil grin on his face, while Mr. Krabs continues to struggle] Any... last... words?
[blows the whistle and the glove hoists Mr. Krabs up in the air] Just one... Sucker! [laughs maniacally while Mr. Krabs trembles in fear]
[The glove spins Mr. Krabs in the air and whacks him on the floor, causing a hole to form.]
[regains consciousness] Huh –? [shadow forms above him] No, no, no, no, no, no —
[The other tough fish fall above Mr. Krabs as the glove gathers them all into the hole on the floor. Plankton hops on top of the glove.]
[raises arms in victory] Ta-daah! Let's give a big hand to the new champion! [applauds; then takes a deep breath and blows the whistle] Okay, move it, filthy fingers! [rides glove like a horse straight to the Krusty Krab]
[SpongeBob sits quietly for a little while. He whistles the closing theme to himself to pass the time while noticing two customers eating their Krabby Patties and Squidward snoring. SpongeBob looks at the table and gasps when he sees a spot on it. He opens his face, grabs a cleaning spray and a rag and attempts to clean it.]
[appears below the table] SpongeBob! What are you doing?!
Uh, I just spotted a spot.
You can't work on your break, boy-o! Period! Remember the fines?
[overhears it and gets real angry] I knew it! I've had my eye on you for years, Krabs! Oh, this violation is really gonna cost you! [looks through his list of fines given for the Krusty Krab] Hmm...
[yelps] Oh, I can see we're gonna have to take drastic measures here.
Just wait 'til you see what I've done to your restaurant. [pulling the wheelchair and headed to the Krusty Krab and looks around him and his customers] Nothing. Is it great? Everything's just how you left it. Whenever we have a problem around here, I ask myself what would Mr. Krabs do. [turns Mr. Krabs' wheelchair and makes Mr. Krabs dizzy] And I do that! I even hired a new fry cook since I'm too busy being the boss now. [turns Mr. Krabs' wheelchair to see the new fry cook] Just like you would have done.
[Mr. Krabs makes weird angry sounds and Patrick wearing SpongeBob's pants and spatula is in his bellybutton and put it back and he tried to eat a patty]
Don't worry, I taught him everything I know. [turns Mr. Krabs' wheelchair and makes Mr. Krabs dizzy again]
[Patrick puts the spatula in his mouth and grabs the ketchup. He puts the spatula back in his hand, and the spatula is drooling. He then flips the ketchup with the spatula and puts it on the grill, but the grill is burning, and the ketchup is about to explode. Squidward is reading his book while his shift. Then, his face, part of his book, and one of the windows are covered with ketchup.]
Order up! [Squidward gets very angry]
You'll have a better view of my managerial magic from over here. [turns Mr. Krabs' wheelchair and makes Mr. Krabs dizzy again]
[looking around while the Krusty Krab languishes in a state of disaster] What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?!
[Mr. Krabs becomes enraged, while SpongeBob pulls his face in a mixture of nervousness and panic.]
[shouting] EVERYBODY STOOOOOOOP!!!
[All the customers froze in place.]
Mr. Krabs! You're all better! Sorry I let you down. All I wanted was to be a good boss, just like you!
Oh well, there is no need to get your sails in a twist about it boy. Nobody's just like me, especially you. Besides, you saved me months in that there body cast. If it weren't for the rage I felt watching you destroy me restaurant, I woulda never forced me body to heal so quickly!
Oh, so in a way, I’ve done good, huh?
Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Not even close! You were the worst boss ever! I’m gonna have to dock your pay for decades, just to cover all the damage you caused! [laughs and turns on fan as he walks away]
SpongeBob: Oh, thanks Mr. Krabs! [spins along with the fan] You're the best boss everrrrrr!!!!!
I think you better go home and clean up.
[whinny] But I haven't had my first ice cream break!
I'll give you another chance tomorrow. If it doesn't work out, I'm afraid you're fired... [clears throat] in a most appreciative way.
[Plankton floats into Squidward's bed and possesses it like a puppet. The bed turns green and the box spring turns into Plankton's head. Plankton's eye appears about Squidward. Plankton shakes the bed and chuckles evilly as Squidward begins to wake up.]
[screams] Who's there? Ohh, is that you, SpongeBob? [gets up and gets drenched on by green ectoplasm]
[Squidward removes his blindfold and becomes freaked out by the ectoplasm. Suddenly, the box spring forms into a giant mouth and makes an evil laugh. Squidward becomes so scared that his skin turned white. He tries to escape, but Plankton pulled him under the covers. Squidward releases himself from the covers and hides in the drawers.]
[writing down on his clipboard] Oooh. Monster mouth with a bucket of ghost goo—very good marks. [chuckles] Nice haunt, swabby!
[comes out of the drawer with his clarinet and pants heavily] Oh, what a terrible nightmare. Oh, thanks for being here, Clarry. You'll keep the monsters away. [inhales and blows horrible music out through his clarinet]
[Squidward's clarinet playing drives Plankton and the Flying Dutchman crazy. Plankton floats over to Squidward and grabs the clarinet.]
Give me that!
Clarry!
[Squidward and Plankton get into a tug-o-war with the clarinet. Plankton turns into a ghostly SpongeBob and scares Squidward, whose eyes pop out and scream. Squidward runs out of the drawers and gets hit in the head when he crashed into the ceiling. Squidward falls down to the floor and is knocked out unconscious. Plankton throws the clarinet away and changes back.]
Hey, I picked something up! I can pick things up! [picks up a vase and drops it]
Look at you. You skipped ahead to the last lesson! [pulls out a mallet]
It's okay. You don't have to— [gets hit by the mallet]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
