[SpongeBob takes a remote with a red Button with a label that reads, "open." He presses the button. The door to the sub opens.]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Ooh! [They both salute]
SpongeBob and Patrick reporting for guard duty. [they both laugh and jump inside. Patrick stars pressing buttons and SpongeBob pretends to be piloting the sub]
PatrickHmm. [he finds a yellow button with a label that reads "Shrink"] "Shrink." I do have a lot of issues. [presses the button and a warning light starts]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Pretty.
[The subm shrinks a little, squishing SpongeBob and Patrick against the windshield. Sandy enters the room.]
I'm back, SpongeBob. [she drops box of nuts] Uh-oh.
[SpongeBob shrinks and Patrick laughs while grabbing SpongeBob.]
Patrick
You're so tiny. [he shrinks even smaller than SpongeBob; screams] A giant SpongeBob!
[The two shrink until they appear to look like dots. The sub shrinks completely. A robot hand grabs the sub. Sandy leans in.]
Patrick
Aah! Sandy's grown to gigantic size!
I don't think Sandy grew, Patrick. I think we shrunk.
Patrick
[stupidly] That's silly. Don't you think it's more likely that the entire world grew?
[over the speaker] Good work, guys. Mission accomplished. Now all you have to do is...
[pushes Sandy out of the way] Get out of my body! Go!
Patrick
Grow? [presses the grow button. The alarm starts up]
[The scene becomes a split screen. The left has Sandy, the Middle has Squidward, and the right has SpongeBob]
SSSandy, Squidward, and SpongeBob
[alarmed] No!
[Scene opens to Patrick running around and giggling in the street]
BFBusiness fish
Hey! [Patrick looks around confused] Hey, you there!
Patrick
Who, me?
BFBusiness fish
Yes, you! GET OUTTA TOWN!!!
[Patrick, shocked, runs away screaming; the business fish stands confused before another fish comes by]
BFBusiness fish
Get outta town...! And take a vacation to beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort! Here ya go, sir. [shows a flier for a vacation]
But, Patrick, you can't go! Not like this! Who will go with me to the next jellyfisherman's expo?! [shows a picture of the two at one of the exposes]
Patrick
It'll have to be one of your other chums 'cause my mind is set. [He and SpongeBob cry together]
OH, UNSET IT, PLEASE UNSET IT!!! [they cry even more. Patrick walks over to SpongeBob's kitchen with suitcase on it starts packing]
Patrick
I guess I'll pack up my stuff and get ready to go. [puts two pairs of SpongeBob's pants into the suitcase] My... clothes.
Umm, Patrick, those are my clothes.
Patrick
[packs up a bunch of peanut butter] My peanut butter!
Patrick
AND MY PICKLES!!! [stuffs a bunch of pickles into the suitcase and closes it, then falls on top of it sobbing]
I can't believe you're leaving, Patrick, WITH ALL MY PICKLES!!! [crying]
Patrick
[heading for the door with the suitcase] It's the end of me being here.
Wait, stop! What about all our plans?! 8:00am - Wake up Patrick, 9:00am - Eat kelpo with Patrick, 10:00am - Brush teeth with Patrick, 1:00pm - Stare at Patrick! Who's gonna do all that with me?!
Patrick
I'm sorry, there's no stopping the unstoppable. Patrick Star will live no more, forever... in Bikini Bottom.
[gets an idea] But... what if you weren't Patrick Star?
Patrick
Oh, no. I'm not Patrick Star!?
You are Patrick Star, but you won't be for long.
Patrick
Huh?
BFBusiness fish
Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
Patrick
NO!
BFBusiness fish
Hmmm... that's it! Get outta town!
Patrick
He's onto us!
I won't let you do it! You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Patrick out of town!
SKSquidward and Mr. Krabs
"Patrick"?!
BFBusiness fish
You forgot your flyer. [hands them one of his flyers]
[reading flyer] "GET OUTTA TOWN! ...To beautiful Sunny Shore Resorts!" Look! This guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price!
Patrick
Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore.
[Rips off his disguise while everyone else is shocked]
Umm, I think I need to take a shower.
So, let me get this straight, uh, you're not a woman?
Patrick
No.
Well then, you're fired. Uhh, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office for, I dunno, the next 20 years or so.
Not so fast! You two little monsters aren't about to ruin my evening!
Oh, we're not here to ruin it, we're here to enhance it! Isn't that right, Pat?
Patrick
Yeah, we're here--
[slams the door] Can't a hard working squid get a little TV time alone? [SpongeBob and Patrick are suddenly on the couch with him] SpongeBob?! Patrick?! Oh, what's the point?
[While watching the Kelpy G show...]
Patrick
Could you turn it up?
Uh, Squidward, could you turn it down a little?
Patrick
Squidward, what's this about?
Squidward, how come he's so emotional?
Patrick
Is he the bad guy?
Patrick
Squidward?
Patrick
Squidward?
Patrick
Squidward?
THAT'S IT!!! All I wanted to do was watch some smooth jazz on public television, but apparently, that's not going to happen! Once again, I'm going to have to leave my own home, just to get some peace and quiet! Enjoy my TV! [scoffs; he exits, leaving SpongeBob and Patrick alone as if they don't know what happened]
Patrick
Oh wait, I think I've seen this before! This part's funny!
Well, Smelly, here you are. Your new home. Oh, Smelly, this is going to be great. We'll be one big happy family. Let me show you around. Here's your bed, Smelly. [muffled whimpering from Smelly, who is actually Squidward covering himself with cement dirt by accident] Here's your food bowl.
Patrick
And some kibble. [pours in some food]
You can live here forever and ever! [Squidward cries] Oh, look, Pat! He's crying tears of joy! Well, Smelly, there's one more family member you haven't met. [retrieves Gary] Smelly, meet Gary. [Gary sticks to Squidward] Aww, look at that Smelly, Gary likes you. [Gary screeches like a cat, as he recognized Squidward under the cement, and attacks him violently] Gary, no! [gets Gary off of Squidward] Gary!
[Gary hisses]
Patrick
I don't think Gary likes Smelly.
Yeah, Gary's never attacked anyone like that, except Squidward.
[Ironically, Smelly is Squidward]
I guess Smelly can't live here.
Patrick
Ah! He can come home with me.
That's a great idea, Patrick! You always wanted a pet. [Squidward tries to escape through the door but keeps falling down] Isn't that cute? Look how excited he is to get to your house! [opens door] Bye, Smelly, have fun at Patrick's!
[Squidward tries to get into his house but Patrick pulls him away]
Patrick
No, no, Smelly. Squidward doesn't like pets.
Patrick
Hi, SpongeBob, whatcha doing?
I have turned poor Squidward into a frozen dessert!
Patrick
That's awful, how tragic, poor Squidward.
Patrick
Did you say frozen dessert? [takes the white ice cream cone out of the freezer]
Yeah, I turned him into a tasty soft-serve with a waffle cone. [cries]
Patrick
Oh, soft serve. [licks ice cream cone]
PATRICK! STOP EATING SQUIDWARD!
Patrick
Oh, sorry. [licks it a few more times]
Patrick! [Patrick licks it again] Pat...!
Patrick
[frantically] But he's so tasty!
It is a very special day in Bikini Bottom.
[Screen moves from Bikini Bottom Island to Boating School]
I'm ready! [walking up to Mrs. Puff's Boating School with Patrick] I'm ready! I'm ready! Patrick, did you bring my flashcards?
Patrick
Right here, buddy. [takes them out of his pocket] Everything you need to pass the test is on these cards. [eats the cards] Mmm.
Patrick
Hey, learning tastes good.
Patrick
Oh, fiddlesticks. You've taken that driving test more times than anyone.
Patrick
Well then, 58 is your lucky number. You're gonna pass that driving test, SpongeBob, because you're a winner.
Patrick
Who's a winner?
Patrick
Who's a winner?
[cheered up a little] I'm a winner.
Patrick
Who's a winner?!
I'm a winner! I'm a winner! I'm a winner! [runs into the classroom]
1 minute, 37 seconds later... [SpongeBob walks up crying]
Patrick
How'd you do, winner? [SpongeBob's crying continues] Let's see that license.
I didn't get a license, Patrick.
Patrick
Are they gonna mail it to ya?
No, Patrick, I failed the boating test. I guess 58 wasn't my lucky number after all.
Patrick
No way! 58 is, like, the luckiest number ever! The test must be rigged.
AAnnouncer
Congratulations! You are the one millionth person to pass the test.
Patrick
Does this mean I win a free keychain?
Patrick
Oh.
You get a brand-new boat mobile! The new Bass Blaster 3000. The ultimate boating machine. [Patrick runs up to the new boatmobile as SpongeBob's jaw drops]
Patrick
Yeah! All right!
Women will want you. [all sigh] Men will want to be you. [all faint] You'll be the envy of your friends. [SpongeBob is growling in fury]
Patrick
Isn't this great? I got my license, and a new boat!
I'm... so... happy for you... ["La Cucaracha" horn blows in his face] Whoa!
Patrick
The horn works.
[Patrick is driving with SpongeBob when suddenly the green light turns red] It's a red light, Patrick! [Patrick runs through red lights] Patrick, you just ran three red lights!
Patrick
So?
Patrick
[shows his license] I think the driving genius knows what he's doing.
[finally snaps] Driving genius?! Would a genius make an illegal U-turn... through an orphanage?!
Patrick
They ran for it in time. What are you so mad about?
I should've gotten that license! And this should be MY boat mobile!
Patrick
How can you say that?! If you were my friend, you'd be happy for me getting my license!
If you were my friend, you wouldn't rub your license in my face!
Patrick
I'm not rubbing my license in your face! This is rubbing my license in your face! [takes out license and rubs it in SpongeBob's face--literally--which makes muffled noises]
[fixes his face and then takes Patrick's license from his hand] Oh, give me that! I worked my whole life for this! You don't deserve this! [tears up Patrick's license and laughs. The pieces of the license fly into the cop's hands]
OOfficer
Huh, litterbugs. This is why I joined the force. [drives off after SpongeBob and Patrick]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
It's the police!
OOfficer
[over speaker] Pull it over, litterbug!
Patrick
Litterbug?! No! [drives faster]
OOfficer
Ooh, I got me a runner. [a bunch of police cars follow him]
Patrick, what do you think you're doing?!
Patrick
I don't know! I don't have a license anymore! [drives around a car]
Look out! [Patrick drives through a sign, then off a cliff into the front lot of the Bikini Bottom Jail]
[After SpongeBob's 90 day sentence, the scene shows the jail as the door buzzes. SpongeBob is let go out of jail where Patrick is waiting for him at the front gate; the camera cuts back and fourth between the two silently staring at each other smiling for about 10 seconds as an orchestra swells dramatically]
Patrick
SpongeBob! [both hug]
I'm glad you passed the test. I'm glad you have a license. And to prove it, I made you this: Pals 4 Ever. [shows him a license plate that reads "PALS 4 EVER"] Let's put it on your boat mobile, buddy.
Patrick
Oh, I don't have the boat mobile anymore.
Patrick
It stopped workin' so I threw it away. The needle was on E, and I figured that must mean "end."
Oh, then... what do we do with this? [Patrick takes it and puts it on his behind]
Patrick
How's that?
Patrick
Ready, buddy?
Ready, pal. [hops on Patrick's shoulders and makes car noises] Woo! Woo!
[Cut to Krusty Krab where SpongeBob enters with medieval clothes on]
Good townspeople, let us rejoice in welcoming our new king.
Patrick
[enters, wearing his crown and a royal cloak] King needs food badly.
What's this all ab...? [gasps. Sees Patrick's crown and dollar signs appear in his eyes] Well, well, well. What can I do for you, Patrick?
Zip it, SquarePants...I'm talking to the rich guy.
Patrick
I'll have ten Krabby Patties, a Krabby milkshake, large fries...
Patrick, what's happened to you?
Patrick
I don't know what you mean.
Uh... [laughs] You know, Mr. Krabs is probably wondering where I am...and...
Patrick
And what...
[intimidated of Patrick's rage] And, um, well...it's just that, um, you're kinda being a jerk.
Patrick
Huh? [laughs] I thought you were going to say I was abusing my power.
Patrick
[explodes] Who's saying I'm abusing my power?! [SpongeBob shrinks and Patrick rips off his cloak] I'll put the whole town in prison! [SpongeBob runs away] Questioning my authority is treason! All these giggly speeches are making me thirsty. SpongeBob, I request a drink. SpongeBob? [claps twice] SpongeBob?! Huh. Gee, everybody's gone. I'm all alone. Fine, I'll get it myself! [walks by the mirror, and his reflection looks like a monster]
Patrick
Huh? [gasps] A knock knock joke! [he runs back to the mirror] Who's there?
PMPatrick and Mirror
I don't get it.
MMirror
I'm you and you are me. [a wire in Patrick's head connects and short circuits]
PMPatrick and Mirror
[screams] What have I become?! [Patrick races out of his rock]
Patrick
Aaah, help! Monster! Monster! [he bumps into the Royal Ministry starfish] Huh? Oh, it's, it's you! [he thrusts the crown at the starfish] Here, here, take it. I don't want it anymore. It's turned me into a monster.
RMRoyal Ministry Starfish
Oh, I think I know what's going on here. Patrick, with great power comes great responsibility. [Patrick is shaking and whimpering] You haven't a clue what I just told you, do you?
Patrick
No. Uh-uh.
RMRoyal Ministry Starfish
Oh, just as well. I've come to take the crown back, as it seems that you aren't royalty after all.
Patrick
Huh?
RMRoyal Ministry Starfish
[takes out family history] I've discovered this coffee stain, which upon removal, reveals that Sir Gary is the true heir to the king's crown. [he removes the stain to show Gary's picture on the family history parchment. Bubble transition to Gary having a crown put on his head, SpongeBob and Patrick dressed in medieval clothes]
Well, would you look at that. Gary, you're royalty!
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
