Oh, that reminds me. I got you a present.
PatrickA present? What is it?
[pulls out a bear with a microphone in its hand.] It's a Confess-A-Bear. He's a special friend you tell all your secrets to.
Patrick
Wow, thanks, SpongeBob!
I'll just leave you two alone to get acquainted.
[He leaves and walks behind the pineapple to talk through the microphone]
SCSpongeBob/Confess-A-Bear
Hi! My name is Confess-A-Bear! Tell me all your secrets!
Patrick
Um... I did something recently I'm not very proud of. I didn't mean to do it. It just sort of happened.
SCSpongeBob / Confess-A-Bear
Oh, maybe you should talk about it!
Patrick
Well, it involves my best friend SpongeBob. I don't think he knows what happened, but it would really upset him if he found out.
SCSpongeBob / Confess-A-Bear
TELL CONFESS-A-BEAR!!!
Patrick
I've said too much already.
SCSpongeBob / Confess-a-Bear
TELL CONFESS-A-BEAR NOW!!! NOW!!!!!
Patrick
AAAGH!!!! I ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED SPONGEBOB'S TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TOILET, AND THEN I PUT IT BACK ON THE COUNTER WITHOUT WASHING IT!!!!! ...Confess-A-Bear?
[Suddenly, SpongeBob appears in the background, running and yelling as he tries to rid his tongue of bacteria]
Patrick
You're mad at me, aren't you, Confess-A-Bear?
Patrick wouldn't steal Ol' Reliable... Would he? [imagines Patrick from earlier]
Patrick
I would kill for a net like that! [takes out a carrot, breaks it in half, and laughs maniacally]
Aah! Have I been best friends with a master thief? I must know for sure.
Patrick
SpongeBob! Oh, thank goodness you're here. There was this scary guy with a mustache asking a lot of weird questions.
Patrick, I'm the scary mustache guy!
Patrick
Aah! Why, SpongeBob, why?! Why would you wear such a scary mustache?
Why did you steal my jellyfishing net?!
Patrick
[offended] WHAT?! I'm your best friend!
You were my best friend, you no-good jellyfish net thief!
Patrick
How could you think that?!
Because you said that! You said that it was "YOUR FRIEND SPONGEBOB'S!!!"
Patrick
[pauses, takes out the case] ...gift.
Patrick
It's my friend SpongeBob's GIFT! [opens the case revealing a handmade net] I made you a new net.
"For SpongeBob"? You made me a new jellyfishing net? That is so thoughtful of you! Patrick? What'cha doing, best friend?
Patrick
I'm not your best friend, I'm a no-good jelly netting thief fish!
Patrick
I'm leaving Bikini Bottom, while I still have my dignity!
[The episode starts at night as the camera focuses on the trio of houses on Conch Street while zooming in on SpongeBob's house while the song "The Best Day Ever" starts to play. Inside, he is asleep. The sun quickly rises outside, turning night into day, and SpongeBob awakens as well.]
[gasps] A reserved seat? Next to my friends? I made it! All I have to do is sit down and...
[Just as he sits down, everyone applauds as the curtains close, marking the end of the show, and SpongeBob completely loses it.]
[Yells in frustration shaking his fists up making a rumbling sound as everyone looks at him in confusion] No! [jumps on stage and tears the curtain] No! It is not over!
This was supposed to be my perfect day. But then everything... [a fish gets up and starts to leave, but SpongeBob stops him as he screams] Sit down! [the fish does so] Then everything turned to doo-doo.
[he, Patrick and Sandy go upstage with him] It's okay, SpongeBob.
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! [his yelling makes Mr. Krabs and Patrick flinch] This was gonna be my best day ever, starting with doing the best job in the world, working at the Krusty Krab!
Boy, you saved me barnacle the way you put the run on them nematodes!
[sniffles] Yeah, I guess so. But then I was gonna do karate with Sandy!
I know, but you saved the treedome! Pretty cool, if you ask me.
Well, I suppose. But then I was gonna go jellyfishing with Patrick!
Patrick
But then you... Uh, what'd you do again?
And, I hate to admit it, but I suppose if you hadn't fixed my reed, the concert would have been a bust.
You see, SpongeBob, it's not about you or your perfect day or any of those things.
No. [chuckles] It's about us!
Yep. And since you did such a good job, we wanna make it up to you.
So, just tell us anything your little heart desires, and it's yours.
[at the guillotine] Well, I guess this is it, Patrick.
Patrick
I guess so. I'm gonna miss you, SpongeBob! [crying]
I'll miss you, too, buddy! [both sobbing as King Krabs crashes into the guillotine, breaking it]
[Dragon takes Princess Pearl away]
Pearl! [cries] Can no one stop this madness?! [sun shines on SpongeBob and Patrick] You two, my apologies. [kisses their feet] Most noble and valiant warriors.
Patrick
I guess this is what you call the royal treatment.
[SpongeBob, Squidly, and Patrick all head to the bridge to stop the evil wizard, but a Dark Knight blocks their path]
DKDark Knight
[dark male voice] Halt! Who goes there?
SSquidly
Doth mine eyes betray me? 'Tis the nefarious Dark Knight! [sings] Oh, dark knight, spare us please, don't cut off our heads or boil our knees. Pray take these two and let me go free and I will give to thee some... cheese! [cow moos]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Dark Knight?
DKDark Knight
[dark male voice] I asketh once more. Before I rip thee limb from limb, reveal thyself!
I am SpongeBob and this is Patrick. [laughs nervously] We've been sent to rescue Princess Pearl from Planktonimor.
DKDark Knight
[dark male voice] If thou wisheth to get across, thou willst have [reveals herself as Medieval Sandy and speaks with a female voice] to get through me!
[gasps] Medieval Sandy! I know how to handle this: With a little karate! [both attack each other, but SpongeBob swallows Sandy then spits her out into a rock]
DKDark Knight
Whah! By the hammer of Odin, this be a new fighting style mine eyes have not yet seen.
I am bad! Oh, yeah! Whoo!
DKDark Knight
Doth thou tryeth to insult me? Thou willst drink from the fountain of shame!
Do you hear that, Patrick? I told you see zings like a squir... Whoa! [Dark Knight destroys the armor and throws SpongeBob into a rock. SpongeBob ends up having his legs and arms switched. He laughs] Good one, Medieval Sandy! But can you handle my feet of fury? [attacks Dark Knight, but the Dark Knight jumps out of the way as SpongeBob bounces off the rock and into Dark Knight sending her into the other rock. SpongeBob attacks her again, but the Dark Knight pins him against the rock]
DKDark Knight
Wouldst thou like a little rubdown? [as she is rubbing SpongeBob, it turns into dust causing the Dark Knight to cough. SpongeBob appears normal again and karate chops the Dark Knight as she crashes onto a rock. SpongeBob then walks up to her as he is about to finish her off] You have bested me, yellow knight... Strike quick and true, noble sponge...
I don't understand a word you just said! [laughs. Dark Knight turns into a real live action squirrel, but with the crosses for eyes as dead] Uh, Medieval Sandy, you don't look so good. Sandy? Sandy...? [screen turns black then water is thrown onto the Dark Knight] Patrick, it's working! Do it again. [Patrick gathers spit and spits it upon her]
DKDark Knight
Thou hath spared me, kind and noble sponge. And to thee, I owe a debt of gratitude, for I will follow you in your quest to defeat Planktonimor and learn a trifle of that karate.
Yeah, karate! Whah! Cha-cha! [karate chops Squidly in half]
No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!
[Everybody growls and screams]
UFUnknown Fish
Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!
[All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]
Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]
[crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] No!
[All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Fungus all over the Krusty Krab]
[laughing] Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!
Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?
[We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]
He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface...even Squid!
[Gary sucks the fungi off Squidward, next]
MSMartha Smith
Where are your manners? It's ladies first!
Patrick
I believe the expression is starfish first.
UFUnknown Fish
I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.
Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [later...] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him] Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?
UFUnknown Fish
[whacks Mr. Krabs with his glove] In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.
[gives Mr. Krabs the money] Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
Another $5 for another de-Icking.
[Gary cleans SpongeBob off]
Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!
Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work!
[burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles] Meow.
[reading a story to Gary] And then, the little ugly mollusk ran all the way home...
Patrick
[breaking through SpongeBob's wall] SpongeBob, you gotta see this! It's an emergency broadcast on my TV!
TATV announcer
The day you've been waiting for is almost here. That's right. "Glove World" has a new ride. It's big... [roller coaster goes above the water then back down into it]
TATV announcer
It's fast... [The girl fish and Harold are yelling riding a roller coaster so fast, Harold flies off of it]
[yelling] Harold, NOOOOO!
TATV announcer
It's painful... [Fish squeals as roller coaster crashes into the ground, causing an explosion]
TATV announcer
It's the "Fiery Fist O' Pain." Opening tomorrow only at Glove World!
Patrick
Tomorrow! SpongeBob, we gotta get to bed so we can be first in line!
FAFemale announcer
[over speaker] Please wait until the car has come to a complete stop... and stop crying!
E3Employee 3
It's over. You can get out now.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
We did it! [both get out and run around in circles]
Patrick
We stopped crying!
We survived the Fist o' Pain!
E3Employee 3
Hey, hold it right there! You forgot these.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Our spines! [grab their spines] Yeah! [when they grab them, they start to wiggle their bodies and then bend them backwards. They laugh]
Patrick
Yeah!
I know. Isn't it great? It looks just like the Krusty Krab.
It looks more like Plankton tryin' to steal me restaurant! [steps out of a taxi with suitcases in hand and a hat on his head]
Mr. Krabs! You've returned from your vacation. [the word "Exposition!" appears above SpongeBob's head]
And it's time for the Krusty Krab to return from its vacation. [He scuttles to the back of the building and as he grunts with effort, he pushes the Krusty Krab over to its original spot. Then flips it over to have the doors face the street]
Patrick
Yay!
[takes the safe out from his throat. It was covered with saliva. He takes out the formula for the patties] And I bet you tried to steal this, too.
[chuckles sheepishly] Well, steal is such a strong word. [Mr. Krabs grabs him on the side of his eye. He screams in pain]
You don't really think I'd leave me secret formula behind when I go on vacation, do ya? Now...
KPMr. Krabs and Plankton
"Stay away from me..."
"...restaurant, bug." I think we've been through this one before. Allow me to do the honors. [throws himself back at the Chum Bucket, but doesn't scream like he always does. He lets out a blank expressionless monotone scream. Plankton lands face-first on the ground, where the Chum Bucket previously was]
[upset] Oh, excellent job, genius. Ya really fixed the place up.
[muffled] Don't nag me, Karen. I've had a long day.
TSTommy's mother
Tommy, I've got a fresh load of laundr- [screams as she thinks Tommy is having a seizure on the floor] Tommy! Oh! Oh, dear me, no! [dials 911] Hello, it's an emergency! My son! He's-
TTommy
[scoffs] Mom, calm down. [stops music] I'm just doing "The Cramp".
TSTommy's mother
[hangs up phone] Oh, oh you kids and your crazy dance fads. [laughs and is soon joined by Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward]
Patrick
Hey, everybody, let's all do "The Cramp"!
[Tommy's mother sets up the music. Everybody dances "The Cramp" while SpongeBob and Patrick scream]
Patrick
I think I wrote a poem once. [flashback to a younger Patrick, whose voice is higher-pitched]
Young Patrick
[reading from a sheet of paper] A Poem, by Patrick Star. "Roses are blue, violets are red. I have to go to the bathroom." [eats the paper and burps]
GTGym Teacher
How many times I gotta tell ya? This...is...gym class! [blows a whistle, and several dodgeballs are thrown at Patrick]
The next day... [cut to Bigshot Records]
♪-and that's why you're my cookie-wookie teddy bear!♪
KKeyboardist
I hate your life, too, dude.
BMBand Manager
People! We have 17 more songs to finish this hour! Next up is: "I Wrote This" by Patrick Star. [sniffs then holds his nose] Yick.
GGuitarist
[takes it] This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up.
BBassist
Oh yeah. [upon looking at it, his eyes shrivel up and turn into dust]
BMBand Manager
I don't care how awful his poem is! We spent his 100 bucks already!
BBassist
Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, and a 2 and a-
[Cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried]
UUndertaker
[gives the record to Patrick] They wanted you to have this.
Patrick
[gleefully] My song!
[The camera zooms in on SpongeBob sitting crying in the area between his pineapple and Squidward's house. He lies down face-down and his tears send him up and down off the ground. He goes back to normal crying while sitting, he then bends his top half in towards his bottom half. Patrick walks up, picks SpongeBob up, and gives him a hug]
Patrick
There, there, SpongeBob. No need to cry.
[He pops off Patrick's shoulder] Yes, there is, Patrick. Sandy's been gone for 2 whole days.
Patrick
2 whole days?! [tears pour out of his eyes like a hose as he begins to wail]
Oh, why'd she have to go to that science convention in Texas?!
Patrick
Texas! [crying]
[sniffles, looks at his watch] She won't be back for 1 more hour, 26 minutes and 47 seconds!
Patrick
Oh, 47 seconds! [SpongeBob and Patrick cry tears in each others faces] I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose- [a nose like Squidward's pops onto his face]
Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone, he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]
No, I'm not. [walks away]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
