Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Cartman

Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends?! This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!

Cartman

It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Cartman

Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, HE WAS SMACKED DOWN BY THE LORD-AH! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!

Cartman

Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.

Cartman

It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!

Cartman

He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!

Cartman

And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!

Cartman

Speak to me, Helen. Let me be your voice. [nothing happens] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!

Cartman

Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?

Cartman

I said "shit" on television.

Cartman

Cripple fight!

Cartman

[to Stan and Kyle] Ah, that's so sweet, you guys! Hey you want to get a room so you can make out for a while? [laughs. Kyle kicks him in the balls] Ow! [Stan kicks him in the balls] Aargh! [boys take turns kicking him] Stop it! Aaargh!

Cartman

What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with? The constant smell of aspirin and pee? Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch.

Cartman

I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [laughs]

Cartman

I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Cartman

Oh yeah? I run with 12 gangs, and we only commit hate crimes. Whatever--I do what I want!

Cartman

I was once involved in a drive-by shooting! Whatever, I do what I want!

Cartman

What did I tell you, Stan?! We saved the baby calves from being eaten and now we're no-good DIRTY GOD DAMN HIPPIES!!!