Eric Cartman quotes from South Park

Kyle

Dude, who the hell is Mitch Conner?

Cartman

I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?

Kyle

All right, I guess it's possible.

Cartman

Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got you, kind of!

Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.

Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joe's?

Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.

Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?

Cartman

Uh, bonus?

Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're going to waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?

Stan

[softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.

Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?

Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!

I said, back off, Murphy!

Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?

That's right. Come on, bring it!

Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!

What the heck is the problem here?!

No problem, sir. No problem at all.

Then hit the showers, all of ya!

Cartman

Man, Indians have it good, huh?

Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.

Sorry, there are no minors allowed on the casino floor.

Cartman

I'm not a miner, dumbass, do you see a shovel in my hand?

Cartman

Look, guys. A lot of the kids in school are talking and they are spreading rumors that we're not metro-sexuals because we hang out with Kyle.

Stan

Well what can we do about it?

Cartman

We have no choice guys. We're just going to have to kill Kyle.

Eric, you're not half bi.

Cartman

I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was bi so that makes me a quarter bi.

What?!

We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!

Cartman

Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black, you can play bass.

Token

I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.

Cartman

Be as sick as you want, just gimme a god damn bass line.

Token

[playing a flawless funky bass melody] God damn it.

Butters

Oh, we're not really Christian! We're just pretending we are!

Cartman

Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

Kyle

We're not letting you back in our band, Cartman, fuck off!

Cartman

I don't want to be in your crappy band, guys.

Stan

You don't know anything about Christianity, Eric.

Cartman

I know enough to exploit it.

Cartman

Goddammit! [throws his plaque onto the ground, shattering it; the myrrh album falls away]

Oh, please don't take the Lord's name in vain.

Cartman

Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!

But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.

Cartman

Oh, Fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams in disbelief]

Butters

Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.

Token

Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.

Cartman

Who fucking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS! [people start to scream and run away]

My ears are bleeding!

Token

Good job, dickhead, you've lost the entire audience!

Cartman

Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!

Stan

Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]

Butters

[pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric. [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone on his knees, face down while he tries to recover from his pain and humiliation. End of episode]

Cartman

[yawns] Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring.

Kyle

[jabs Cartman and says in hushed tones] You insensitive as-hole, Cartman! Nine people died!

Cartman

Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly.

Cartman

The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. Oh, and the shot is blocked again, proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!

Kyle

It's not fair! Cartman's fatter than the goal!

Cartman

I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Kyle

You guys! I have awesome news!

Cartman

You have AIDS?