Veronica[Reading off phone] "Sassy Russian exprostitute" seeks single geriatric male with piles of money and a terminal illness."
Veronica
Guy named Gerald seems interested. Luxury cigar importer.
[To Svetlana] Hey, guess what we're doing.
I can find my own rich husband.
Veronica
We know that you can, but if a wealthy cigar importer comes into The Alibi tonight, it won't kill you to smile and have a drink.
What is the point of smiling?
Veronica
Make other people feel good.
I make people feel good other ways.
Yes, you do. But there are some situations where hand jobs are not appropriate. [Svetlana walks away unimpressed]
[Svetlana is sitting before Kevin and Veronica in their living room]
Okay. You did really well last night.
Veronica
However, we need to tone down the rage a little. You're not gonna get anywhere if your date thinks you want to murder him the second he ties the knot.
Great question. Which brings us to Part A of our plan, etiquette.
Veronica
[Writes on marker board] Rich guys are old school. They want a lady to be a lady.
A man wants to feel powerful. Really powerful. So let him dominate the conversation. Act like he's totally fascinating.
Okay, this brings us to Part B of our plan. This is a tiny microphone. Attach it to your shirt. This is a tiny earpiece. Put this in your ear. Come on, Svet. You're Russian. This is spy shit. It's in your DNA. Testing, testing. Can you hear me?
I meant in the thingy. Can you hear me?
Okay. Do everything I say. Scratch your nose. Tuck your hair behind your ear. Excellent. Say, "Kevin Ball has a sexy voice."
Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.
I look like a fucking First Lady.
Veronica
Here. Go cross your legs and pretend to be captivated.
Smokey to Bobcat. Do you hear me? Over.
We're trying to get Svetlana married off to a rich dude.
So... you just gave 'em your place, just like that?
What else was I supposed to do? Man, I was really digging my quiet mornings away from Gallagher chaos. And it's extra bad right now 'cause of Ian's gay messiah shit.
He should read Pope Leo the 13th's encyclical on property rights.
You know, whiskey is actually clear when it comes off the still. It gets the caramel color from the barrel...
You know, I'm just... I'm just gonna say this. Sometimes it feels like it doesn't even matter that I'm sitting here. I know all the places you've lived. I know all the languages you speak. I've met your exes, your baby mamas, your spawn. And yet, you have never asked one question about me. Did you know that I became legal guardian of my siblings when I was 23? Or that I dropped out of high school, but then I got back and I got my GED?
Yes, actually, I did. And I know you did it to convince your genius brother who's a recovering alcoholic to stay in college. I know you got left at the altar by your junkie fiancé with whom you were very much in love.
'Cause I ask around. There's some other stuff I know. You're fiercely protective of your family. You're generous. Like today, for example, you gave your apartment to a homeless family.
You are so very much yourself. You don't even have to try. And frankly, you scare the fuckin' shit out of me.
...
[Gerald walks over to Svetlana at wall] It's him. It's him. Svet, Svet. The buzzard is in the tuba. The buzzard is in the tuba.
Veronica
The what?
I have no idea. I've never done this before. What's she saying? I can't hear anything. I can't hear anything. We never tested the microphone.
Veronica
All right, well, she needs to relax. Tell her to lean in a little.
Svetlana, lean in a little. Too far. Too Far. Too far. Too far. Take a sip of your drink. Sip, not gulp.
Veronica
Tell her to- to ask him about something.
All right. All right. All right, Svet. Ask him about his mother. No, not his mother. Ask him about his favorite sports teams. Allergies... What the hell do people talk about on dates? Did she just drop her earpiece in her drink? Oh, no. [Svetlana nears her hand to Gerald's crotch] She's gonna grab his cock, isn't she? [Svetlana moves hand all the way in] Called that one.
[Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana are at an upscale restaurant of a high-end hotel]
Wow. This fucking place, huh?
I found it on Belarusian whore website. More billionaires stay here than any other hotel in Chicago.
Comparing my skills to those of Freelania. These are my skills on this napkin, and these are hers.
Veronica
There's nothing on that napkin.
Hmm, precisely. She is sub-mental. Not as attractive, not as charming. Look at my ass. It's perfect. I would fuck my own ass. She has flat ass of Filipino boy.
[Kevin and Veronica open their menus]
Veronica
$28 for a vodka tonic?
$18 for a beer. You'd have to be a billionaire to catch a buzz.
Veronica
So now what?
Well, I steal her wedding dress, I take her place at wedding and marry rich old man with saggy diaper.
You don't think he's gonna notice the difference?
He thought I was her. He is weak in the head.
What about the wedding guests?
I wear a veil. No one will see.
[A phone rings and Kevin, Veronica and Svetlana all check their phones to realize it's Freelania's]
Veronica
Kev.
Veronica
Get her phone.
I get it. Hold machete. She tries anything, you cut her face, okay?
[Grabs Svetlana's wrist and pulls her back] No way. I'm not slashing her face if she tries to make a run for it. [Pulls phone out of Freelania's pocket and checks it] "Zlata"?
Shit. Her mother is coming to the wedding.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's gonna know Svetlana isn't her daughter, right?
[Svetlana takes out cloth from Freelania's mouth and she threatens in Russian] She will rip out your lungs and eat them. [Svetlana restuffs Freelania's mouth]
You yell one more time, I will shave your head, I will cut off your nipples, and I will sell you to the Mexican cartel for big fun, okay? When is Zlata coming?
Today. I am supposed to pick her up at airport. And I need to pee.
Take the pants off! Get a bowl.
Zlata. Scary old Soviet. Survived Stalingrad as a young girl by eating human flesh.
Veronica
She was a cannibal?
[before flashback scenes] Ah, for shit's sake, you again? Really, you forgot what happened on last week's episode? It was seven days ago. Drop the drink and get yourself to a fucking meeting,
Good morning, my day-drinking brethren. How's everyone this morning?
You smell like actual shit, Frank.
Uh, rye whiskey, V. Leave the bottle.
Veronica
Can't pay with cans, Frank.
Why not? There's gotta be 20 bucks in there.
Veronica
And that's our recycling. I just put those out.
Right, and now I'm recycling them.
Veronica
No.
Uh, run a tab? For old times' sake?
Veronica
[Cackles derisively] Oh, damn, I just peed myself a little.
We fucking hate you, Frank.
V. Can I have the keg tray? At least let me drink that.
Veronica
You wanna slurp warm, day-old beer runoff from a keg tray?
Wow, lowering the bar, Frank. Disgusting, Frank.
Every day. When options are few, the wise man adapts.
Veronica
Fine. One pity beer. One. [Draws him a pint]
HHughie
You tight on cash, huh, Frank?
Tighter than a Mormon virgin.
HHughie
I know how you can make some quick dough, if you're interested.
I don't do blowies anymore, Hughie.
HHughie
This lady's paying five bucks for every "Ruiz for Congress" sign you steal from a yard. You bring the signs over to the alley behind Wyman's headquarters, she gives you cash.
For stolen signs? What's the catch?
HHughie
Just get paid to steal.
GGayle
Mandarin Immersion today. So what do you think?
This is where I wanna go when I die.
GGayle
Here is our applications packet with beaucoup info about Beaucoup.
What's this, uh, number here? Is that a year in the future?
GGayle
No, that's our tuition.
Veronica
For a year?
Veronica
Uh, that's three times our mortgage.
GGayle
Oh, dear. Yes, these numbers can seem a little bit high, but it's pretty standard in Chicago.
Veronica
Are there scholarships?
GGayle
Not at Beaucoup. Why don't I recommend you somewhere that's a little more budget-friendly. Okay?
[Reading a newspaper] What the hell? They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?
I haven't raped anybody in here.
No one's ever raped anyone in here! At least not in the inside. Out in the alleyway, maybe. But I knew people thought The Alibi was shitty, but now they think we're rapey?
Veronica
Who says we're rapey?
Veronica
Give it to me. Who wrote it? Bethany Pickford-Watson. Of course she has two last names.
Does she look familiar to you?
Veronica
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! "They even pay black prostitutes with fake boobs to walk around in short skirts." Imma kill that bitch.
This is so unfair. I mean, look around. W-w-what's so rapey about this place, anyway?
I have two daughters. What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery?
V got to you, didn't she?
Veronica
The Alibi should be a sanctuary, a haven where women can come, relax, and only get laid if they want to.
We could all use a place where we could get laid if we wanted to.
In this day and age, you can't say shit to a woman without her crying harassment. Hell, they'd sue their own reflections if they could.
I'm just not gonna talk to them anymore.
Veronica
No one talks to your ass anyway.
Yeah, but if they did, I wouldn't say anything.
Veronica
Creepily glaring at them is not the answer.
Hell, I probably catcalled nine or ten women yesterday.
Veronica
You think women like that?
I'm in construction. I can't just change. Doesn't matter if time's up or not. If a chick walks by, I instinctively grab my balls, and yell Suck on this." It's just what happens.
All right, let's start there. You can't call 'em chicks anymore.
Veronica
No.
Veronica
No.
Mm, I don't think so. Contains the word "men." I got it. [Snaps fingers] Vaginal enterprises.
Veronica
Okay, I'm out.
Maybe we should just stick with "women."
Veronica
That's better.
[Laughs] Some women like to be told they're pretty.
Now, how are we supposed to know the difference between the ones that like it and the ones that don't?
Old women like being hit on. Maybe we should just allow the old women in.
Why the hell would we want that?
We need a consistent standard.
Veronica
All right, here's your standard. Assume you are disgusting, that no one wants you to touch them, and they couldn't care less if you think they're pretty or not-- there's your damn standard.
Kermit; I've never been so confused.
The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore. If women stay away, bad for business. Plus, rapey is wrong. A-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.
Went to Congressman Ubberman's office, see if he could recommend me, but I couldn't even get an appointment.
Veronica
Ubberman. He's a congressman?
Veronica
White guy? Red face? Sweaty?
Veronica
[Laughs] I'll be damned! Hey, babe, did you know that Wubby's a congressman?
Veronica
When I was a dominatrix, he was one of my regulars. Dude used to like me to whip him and call him Wubby. And now he's a congressman.
Veronica
Ah, I retired years ago. Leather underwear is not too good for my lady parts.
Would you ever think about coming out of retirement?
Veronica
Never.
Even if it meant giving an underprivileged South Side kid a chance at achieving his dream?
Veronica
S&M is not like riding a bike, Carl. You can't just strap on a pair of stilettos, pop a ball gag in someone's mouth, and start to whipping them. That is not how you ride a bike.
I mean, that's okay. Who's gonna let a poor South Side kid become an officer, anyway? I'll just enlist, embrace the suck, retire an old, disabled, sad alcoholic. Maybe they'll let me teach high school ROTC from my wheelchair if I'm lucky.
I was staying at a motel in Gary, laying asphalt after high school. Invited the front-desk girl to my room for a few beers. We ended up having sex, but she kind of cried through the whole thing. What's that called?
Veronica
Did you stop?
Veronica
That's a Kobe.
You think she wanted me to stop?
Veronica
You think she was crying because she was having a good time?
Being manipulative and pathetic.
About the only way I ever get sex is being manipulative and pathetic.
You ever jack off into a potted plant? Ask for massages wearing an open bathrobe? Hmm? Rape a couple dozen?
Then you're probably an Ansari.
That's just being a dick.
Slipped a woman a Quaalude once.
Veronica
What about that handsy Dr. Rob at the clinic, with the deep body hugs and the butt pats?
Cartoon guy. He made Toy Story.
I love Toy Story. Buzz Lightyear! [Chuckles]
I mean, I slept with a woman I was dating's 19-year-old daughter last year. That got a name?
W- she made all the first moves, though.
Veronica
You're gonna need a bigger board for your list, babe.
Consent, gentlemen. [Picks up stack of forms] A clear and verbal consent to participate in sexual activity, [Dumps stack on counter] freely given and reversible.
Even if we're both naked and already doing it?
Veronica
Even if you're already naked and banging. [Door opens] When she says "stop," you stop.
BBeth
Beth Watson, Southside Beat.
Beth, thank you for coming. Can I get you something? Maybe a chilled glass of Chablis or a Cosmo?
Should've heard these women's stories. Rapes, beatings- I had no idea. If you had no idea, you've been walking around with blinders on.
Veronica
Do you know how many times a day a guy touches me inappropriately? Hell, some asshole on the L yesterday stuck his nose in my cooch, said he lost his balance.
RRegina
Yeah. A guy pulled my dress off my shoulder at a club Saturday. Licked my nipple. Never seen him before in my life.
Veronica
I won't get on an escalator if I'm wearing a skirt.
RRegina
I wear a wedding ring everywhere to keep the assholes from bothering me.
All right, we get it. Christ.
Veronica
I'm sorry. Is this stuff making you boys uncomfortable? Welcome to womanhood.
Veronica
This cartoon is sexist.
V, when I watch with the girls, we don't criticize Ryder and his team. We just laugh and enjoy it.
Veronica
I've got something else you can enjoy. [Sexually moves on him]
See ya, Paw Patrol. [Clicks off TV] Let's work off these donuts. I ate a lot of crullers.
Veronica
Mm-hmm. [Someone knocks on door] Who is that?
Probably a Gallagher. Or a Jehovah. I'll get rid of them. [Opens door] Sister Frances.
SFSister Frances
Good morning.
Good mor- please, won't you come in?
SFSister Frances
Good morning. Have a- have a seat. Amy brought this in for show-and-tell today. [Produces a dildo]
That's weird. I wonder where she got it from.
SFSister Frances
The children were supposed to bring in something that represents their parents' love for each other. Most brought in hearts or pictures of their siblings. Amy brought this.
I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. [Sister Frances attempts to turn it off] It's double-click. [She clicks it twice to turn it off]
SFSister Frances
In order for Amy to return back to school on Monday, Father D'Amico has requested that you come to his office today and speak with him.
You're gonna kick her out because of this?
SFSister Frances
We would love to speak with the priest.
My wife and I just need to say our morning prayers, and then we'll meet you at the rectory. I can take that- or you can keep it as a parting gift. Thank you, Sister Frances, for coming. [Sees her to door]
FDFather D'Amico
So we have a little sex toy obsession, do we?
Obsession?! No, no, I would-- I wouldn't say that at all. It's actually the only sex toy we have, Father.
FDFather D'Amico
Well, I'm sure you would both agree that exposing Amy to this kind of depravity is not in her best interest.
Veronica
With all due respect, Father, we're not exposing our daughter to any depravity.
FDFather D'Amico
Need I remind you that your daughter brought a massive, veiny, vibrating dildo into preschool? Now, you may be asking yourselves how a pious man like myself could have such carnal knowledge of sexual fetishes and addictions.
Veronica
Yeah, no, we weren't asking that.
I'm actually kind of curious, yeah?
FDFather D'Amico
Well, prior to serving God, I was in the United States Navy. You have no idea what loneliness is until you're trapped out at sea, away from home for months at a time. I was at a low point in my life as our ship pulled into Subic Bay. Little did I know that my life was about to spiral downward. As we disembarked from our ship, my fellow seamen and I were greeted by the warm smiles of the Subic Bay women. Let me tell you, a hug from a Subic Bay woman can take away all your loneliness, especially from one woman, named Ming-hang. Of course, I had to pay for her companionship, but what's a few pesos when you're treated like a king for an hour? Or in my case, a few hours, which turned into days, which turned into weeks, and then, eventually, my going AWOL, and being served a military warrant for my arrest.
Shameless · 903 quotes
