Freelania quotes from Shameless

Freelania

[To Kevin and Veronica] I am looking for Svetlana Yevgenivna, pozhaluista.

Veronica

Svetlana! Customer!

Svetlana

Freelania Alexeyevich? [In Russian] Fuck, can not be.

Freelania

I am blast from whoring past, no?

Svetlana

[In Russian] We go aside to talk.

Veronica

Hey! No speaking Russian!

Kevin

Five minutes and you're back unloading the liquor stock.

Svetlana

What do you want?

Freelania

You helped to smuggle me into this country. Freelania Alexeyevich always repays her debts. You said you would drop dead before I could find anyone to turn me from whore to wife. I would like to see you die now, please.

Svetlana

Not true. You were always ugly bottom-feeder, only good for hand jobs.

Freelania

Very true. It's too bad you are still... bitter prostitute slave working for poor people. If you weren't such a cunt, madam, you might be able to marry well too. $4,500 for 40 pounds of lube and vagina cleanse. Debt repaid. Now you are a "ugly bottom-feeder."

Veronica

Break time's over. [Throws trash bag at Svetlana's feet]

Veronica

Svetlana's been on that laptop all day. I don't trust it.

Kevin

Think she's plotting revenge?

Veronica

This is the same chick who offed her husband/father and no one's ever found the body.

Svetlana

Permission to take cigarette break, Sir... Ball?

Kevin

Permission granted.

Veronica

She gonna kill us.

Veronica

How long Svetlana been on her break?

Kevin

Feels like a long time, right?

Veronica

Kev, this isn't good. I told you, she is plotting something against us. Some Russian chick comes in here yesterday, and ever since, Svetlana's been acting weird.

Kevin

That's it. I'm gonna put a stop to this. Domination time. [He and Veronica walk up to Svetlana] All right, what's on the laptop?!

Svetlana

It's personal business.

Kevin

New rule: no personal business at work. Open the laptop.

Svetlana

No. It's private.

Veronica

New rule: show us what's on the laptop or get shipped to the gulag.

Svetlana

[In Russian] I'm not showing you shit.

Kevin

Show us what's on the damn computer, or we're gonna call Immigration.

Svetlana

We had a deal. No ICE.

Veronica

New rule: no deal.

Show us the fucking laptop!

Svetlana

Fine! [Turns around laptop] You want to see what I'm doing? I am looking up fact after fact about rich old fuck who's about to marry a bottom-rate whore who I helped smuggle into this country. She gets to have American dream, live life of beauty and privilege while I sit here and get shit on by two ex-lovers who still treat me like a prostitute slave, who make me wear a vampire blouse just to strip me of the last bit of dignity that I still have.

Freelania

He spoils me, but I deserve it. He likes his little penis rubbed, and honestly, all he really cares about are my feet. He can't stop buying me shoes. Such a simple man. Oh. Vera made this for me. Mazel tov. I must admit, the greater part of the joy I feel is knowing how devastated you must be.

Svetlana

Humiliated.

Freelania

I had imagined you humbled like this so many times. I was worried it would be anticlimactic. It's not.

Svetlana

Freelania... you have everything we have ever dreamed of. After all the tubs of hand lotion and stained sheets, thousands of Handi Wipes,

Svetlana

I am truly humbled by your success, so I ask you to pity me and tell me how. How did you make this all happen?

Freelania

You mean how did these shoes happen?

Svetlana

Yes.

Freelania

How did this Gaultier gown, which I have never worn, happen?

Svetlana

Uh-huh.

Freelania

[Hocks a loogie on the gown] I would give it to you now that it's soiled, but... you're too fat to fit into it, so I will throw it away instead. Svetlana Yevgenivna, you were born a whore. You will die a whore. [Brings out phone] Mm. My caterer. Excuse me. Alain... Bonjour, mon amour.

Svetlana

Ublyudok.

[Appears in room] Hello, hello. Hello, sweetie. Don't you look lovely... today? I'm headed for the club. Don't forget dinner at The Grill. [Kisses her hand] I wanna show off my beautiful bride-to-be. [Walks away] Hmm. Toodle-oo. I'm going up the chimney.

Svetlana

[Her face lights up in epiphany]

Veronica

So now what?

Svetlana

Well, I steal her wedding dress, I take her place at wedding and marry rich old man with saggy diaper.

Kevin

You don't think he's gonna notice the difference?

Svetlana

He thought I was her. He is weak in the head.

Kevin

What about the wedding guests?

Svetlana

I wear a veil. No one will see.

Veronica

Kev.

Kevin

What?

Veronica

Get her phone.

Kevin

You get her phone.

Svetlana

I get it. Hold machete. She tries anything, you cut her face, okay?

Kevin

[Grabs Svetlana's wrist and pulls her back] No way. I'm not slashing her face if she tries to make a run for it. [Pulls phone out of Freelania's pocket and checks it] "Zlata"?

Svetlana

Shit. Her mother is coming to the wedding.

Kevin

Whoa, whoa, whoa. She's gonna know Svetlana isn't her daughter, right?

Freelania

[Svetlana takes out cloth from Freelania's mouth and she threatens in Russian] She will rip out your lungs and eat them. [Svetlana restuffs Freelania's mouth]

Svetlana

You yell one more time, I will shave your head, I will cut off your nipples, and I will sell you to the Mexican cartel for big fun, okay? When is Zlata coming?

Freelania

Today. I am supposed to pick her up at airport. And I need to pee.

Svetlana

Get a bowl.

Kevin

What?

Svetlana

Use it for her to pee.

Kevin

Through her pants?

Svetlana

Take the pants off! Get a bowl.

Kevin

You know her mother?

Svetlana

Zlata. Scary old Soviet. Survived Stalingrad as a young girl by eating human flesh.

Veronica

She was a cannibal?