FDFather D'Amico
Anyway, at first, Ming-hang and I just talked and made love. Then she introduced me to something called the Hot Carl. Do you know what the Hot Carl is?
VeronicaWe got it.
FDFather D'Amico
That quickly led to the Dirty Sanchez, and then the gorilla mask. It got to the point where I couldn't orgasm unless I was doing the Alabama Hot Pocket. Oh, that's when you defecate--
SFSister Frances
Nope, Father. Too far.
Veronica
Oh, you're gonna stop him now?
FDFather D'Amico
Anyway, the next time you reach for that dildo, or that butt plug, or that ball gag, you remember me, an innocent seaman just trying to serve his country while getting choked out to the point of asphyxiation by a Subic Bay woman named... [Inhales] Ming-hang.
FDFather D'Amico
Oh, yes, right. Um, say four Hail Marys and six Our Fathers.
Ugh, feels like someone kicked me in the balls.
Well, the heat doesn't help. You gotta get some AC in here, man.
Veronica
We have an AC.
Thing's on its last legs, givin' it all she's got.
Oh. V, is there a kid kicking me in the nuts right now? 'Cause it feels like there's a child repeatedly kicking me in the balls.
Veronica
No, baby, just leave ice on it.
Be better in no time, Kev. Hang in there, man.
Yeah, hang in there, buddy.
Veronica
Hey.
What's going on with him?
Veronica
He had a vasectomy, little swelling.
Little swelling? My ball's the size of a grapefruit, V.
Why didn't V just tie her tubes? Old-school, piece of cake.
Veronica
Okay, I'm right here. I'll take this one. Do you even know what you're saying? A vasectomy is like this, really, on one ball, and it's already on the outside of your body. My shit is on the inside. They have to cut into my stomach twice, pull my tubes out of my body, rope 'em off, and then put 'em back inside me. I should slap your face.
Veronica
[To Kevin] You gon' live, baby.
Morning, Sweathogs. Blackout, we got a blackout.
No shit, Frank. That's why we're all sitting here in the dark.
Veronica
Not really.
Sounds great. I'll take one. What are you doing here? What are you doing here?
Well, congratulations. You apply for unemployment yet? My advice is, do it in person. If you do it online, they'll pretend they never got the application.
Well, welcome to the ranks of the unemployed.
Yeah, I'm fine with it. I mean, fuck them. Being broke sucks, though.
Ah, you get used to it. You just gotta be creative.
[Laughs] That's funny. You know, life is not all sunshine and rainbows for me either, kiddo. Ingrid left me. Took all my children with her. I'm still here. My unborn children. I don't think I'll ever get over it. V, a shit of Jame-o, please.
[Lumbering past them] Oh, my God, ow.
[Makes cutting gesture] Vasectomy.
[Reading from phone] A substation blew up. Gonna be at least another hours before the power's back up.
Veronica
What? God damn it. Oh, we're screwed.
Veronica
Where is he going?
[To Fiona] If you need a little walking-around money, you should hang out with me today.
Because of a little something I like to call "monetizing my neighbors' lack of foresight."
You mean rippin' people off.
Completely legit. No one prepares for blackouts around here, so they rush to the store for ice or batteries or what have you. Too late, everything's sold out. Panic ensues, and where there's panic, there's money to be made. That's where I come in. Frank's Blackout Supply has everything you need.
Really? How's the view from up there, Miss High and Mighty? Last time I checked, we were in the same freakin' bar drinking warm beer together.
Fair point. Do I charge a little more?
Yes. Double. The peace of mind of a candle or fresh batteries, priceless. So you in or out?
Aw, come on. I could use a pretty face. It legitimizes the whole thing.
After I recoup my cost, 20 percent.
Jesus Ch... Who's gouging now?
Fifty percent, final offer.
No one's gonna buy anything from you, Frank. You're Frank.
Deal, 50. [They shake hands]
Gallagher Blackout Supply.
Veronica
[Serves breakfast plate to Kevin] You want Tabasco?
Veronica
It's only been two weeks since the surgery, babe. [Kisses Kevin's head and rubs chest] Give it some time.
12-year-olds last longer.
Veronica
All right, girls, finish up. It's almost time for school.
Is this what it's gonna be like from now on? Eight seconds?
Veronica
You really think we need to be having this conversation in front of the girls?
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. That's me now. Mr. Kevin Ball, the "wham, bam" man.
Veronica
Okay, girls. Dishes in the sink and backpacks. Let's go.
I'm so sorry I let them cut you guys. Can you ever forgive me?
Veronica
You're gonna live, baby. It's one tiny incision. [To Gemma and Amy heading to front door] Wait for Mommy.
[Pokes eggs and they run] Oh, God.
Veronica
There's gotta be someplace else you can keep this thing. It's scaring away the customers.
I tried to get it in the house. It just wouldn't fit through the door. V, I think we can make some money renting me out as Jesus.
Veronica
People rent Jesus?
Yeah, for parties and stuff.
Veronica
Jesus parties? I think that's called church services, Kevin. Like Santas at Christmas, or Elvis impersonators.
I could work bachelorette parties, be one of those, uh, birthday strippers.
Veronica
A Jesus stripper?
Look at this website. They got all kinds of people looking like celebrities they rent out.
[Comes in door] Hi. [Sits at bar] What is all that about?
Veronica
The nuns figured out we were sending both of our girls to preschool for the price of one, so Kev has to be Jesus for their parade, only now, Kev wants to be Jesus all the time.
Veronica
I thought you were taking some time away from drinking.
May I have a Coke, please?
Veronica
Absolutely. What's that?
Well, the zoning went through on the lot that I invested in and Max Whitford bought me out of the partnership.
Veronica
No shit? How much? [Veronica leans into Fiona]
Veronica
[Loudly] $000,000... eh.
Veronica
Right? That is fantastic. So you... what are you gonna do with it, buy a new building?
Oh, hell no. Fool me once.
Veronica
So what now?
Well, I quit my job at the gas station...
Veronica
Damn right.
And now I don't know. I feel like I got a second chance.
Veronica
And a third, and a fourth.
V, I could have different costumes for different occasions. Wedding Jesus. Uh, Last Supper Jesus. Bat Mitzvah Jesus.
Veronica
Last Supper Jesus? Well, I guess that beats getting nailed to the cross.
They didn't use real nails, did they?
Veronica
Author, orator, escaped slave.
Oh, you two studying him in your "being black" class?
Veronica
Yep, we are up to The Civil War.
Veronica
Have to cover the Emancipation Proclamation and the defeat of the slave-owning traitor Robert E. Lee at the hands of black soldiers who fought and died to save America for the white man.
I always thought Robert E. Lee was some sort of great general. Racist shithead.
But don't he have statues?
Veronica
Statues all gotta come down.
Veronica
Chitlins.
Veronica
Pig intestines.
Veronica
We gotta eat what our ancestors ate if we're gonna understand what they sacrificed for us.
I'm that guy now, that pathetic old guy that no one guards because he can't make a basket.
Veronica
You're not old-old, honey, but every athlete slows down a bit. Maybe you just need to change up your game.
Has Brady slowed down? No, he just won the Super Bowl last year. Tiger Woods? No. He won the Masters.
Those guys are freaks of nature pampered and coddled by an army of trainers and nutritionists.
Not to mention the performance-enhancing drugs.
Brady doesn't use performance-enhancing drugs.
Look, you can't compare yourself to professional athletes, Kev. Hell, I ran a 5.2 40 in high school, and now I can barely finish a 5K.
Veronica
Or touch your toes.
[Chuckles] Did you run a 5K?
Well, I didn't say I ran it. There was some walking involved.
Veronica
And an Uber.
It's testosterone. Men lose one percent every year after the age of 30.
You never had any to begin with, so don't worry about it.
It's not me. It's my shitty shoes.
Yeah, all the players are wearing Kobes and Jordans and LeBrons. [Turns laptop around] This is what I need right here.
Impact cushioning and instant responsiveness plus easy entry.
That a shoe or a fat hooker?
Veronica
Absolutely not.
But, V, my old shoes are fucking up my shitting rhythm.
Veronica
It's not the shoes, honey. You're just getting old. You just said I wasn't getting old. For $350, you old as shit, Bernie Sanders old, Harry Belafonte old.
Well, I'm still buying 'em.
Veronica
Not with our money, you're not.
Veronica
We're on a budget, Kev. What do you suggest we skip this month, food or electricity?
All right, fine. You don't want to help me reclaim my manhood, that's just fine. Then I'm gonna earn my own money, and I'm gonna buy these shoes.
[Kevin and Veronica are walking past empty location with Kevin stopping to cup hands aside head and peer in]
Veronica
What are you doing?
This place is for rent. We should call the number, check it out.
Veronica
Why would we do that?
Veronica
You have a thing.
I need a thing. And it's right next door.
Veronica
Why?
[Sighs] Oh, I'm finally comin' to terms with the fact that I'm never gonna play in the NBA.
Veronica
You were never gonna play in the NBA.
Well, not now, V, because I'm retiring from basketball. I would think you'd be a little more compassionate.
Veronica
We have so many other things to be thankful for.
Veronica
You own a bar, you have a hot wife and two beautiful girls.
Okay, that is good. But where do I go from here, V? What is the next chapter of my life? Is there even a next chapter? Or is this just... it? Dry cleaner.
Veronica
What?
We could open up a dry cleaner. No. Mattress store.
Veronica
Uh-uh.
Veronica
What the hell is a think tank?
It's where people sit around and think.
Veronica
That's The Alibi.
Come on, Milo. Push that 60. There you go. Gotta work off that avocado "kumbacha" smoothie or whatever the fսck you drink. Jasper, are you kidding me? Can you go slower? Full rotations, man! Do you want your name under Pussy of the Day? Is that what you want, Jasper?
MMan
Is it safe if I [w:Tesla motors|park my Tesla out front]]?
Hell no, it ain't safe, Homer. This is the ghetto, man. Get in here and grab two kegs and give me 30 curls now.
So? [Man retches in can] Way to go, Oscar. Puke is pride.
AArlo
I wanna join. Uh, you take Amex?
"Amex." Cash only! $50 per session up front, plus another $40 for the T-shirt. ATM is right there.
MMan
You're out of spring water.
I am? All right. Grab a sledge. Start working the wall. Willem! Get off the damn phone! If I see you on that thing one more time, it's going in the puke barrel. You hear me, fat boy?! Harder, Milo! Come on, man. Get it up.
Veronica
What do you have them doing over there?
Bashin' a hole in the wall to connect the gym to The Alibi.
Veronica
How long's that gonna take?
Ah, with my pasty propeller-heads swinging the hammers, twins'll be grandparents first, but I'm gonna finish the rest myself later.
What the hell are you doing?
Making natural spring water. My Keggers love to hydrate.
You don't sterilize the bottles first or anything?
No. Fսck those Facebook assholes. They need the germs, strengthen their oat milk-drinking immune systems.
Veronica
The extra watery shit that sits on top when you make oatmeal.
Hey, V, can you get me some more of those $2 black T-shirts from Walmart and cut the sleeves off?
Veronica
Sure. So this Keg Zone stuff is actually working?
I got 20 fully paid Keggers already. Plus, I'm starting an online thing where you can do it at home.
Why are you two sitting so far apart from each other?
Veronica
[On phone] Okay, call me when you have more. [To Kevin] Elijah from the dispensary doesn't have weed either, Kev.
Veronica
Whole city's run out. Another symptom of economic anxiety: everyone's self-medicating. Why are you two sitting apart?
[Quietly to Veronica] I think they're having a fight.
Veronica
A fight?! About what?!
Saying something under your breath means "keep it quiet."
Oh, Frank! You gotta use the secret knock.
Oh, sorry. Top of the morning to you. So what you got for me to sample today in the wonderful world of weed, Master Kev, Mistress V? [Sits between Tommy and Kermit] What are... why are you guys sitting so far apart? One of you fart or something?
Jesus, fine. Sit in your own stank, for all I care.
Veronica
They won't tell us either.
Oh. [Noticing turning display empty] Where are the goods?
Veronica
Sold out.
Veronica
But our suppliers are out of product now.
Ever since the 'rona, there's been a rush on weed.
Veronica
They were not prepared for the demand. Everyone's out.
It's a blessing in disguise. Pot is dangerous.
[Repeatedly] No... That's impossible. There's no such thing as a rush on weed. It's in abundance.
Veronica
There's three different dispensaries we use for our product. They're all out.
Dispensaries? You know what kind of a markup they've got? I can get you more product.
Veronica
Yeah, illegal shit.
Marijuana's basically just a weed. The government has no more right to regulate it than they do sunflowers.
Exactly! Don't worry. I can get you more product. We can go in on this together, partners.
Barkeep, a beer and a glass of tomato juice, please.
Of course, but that's not why. I tried to ignore the Milkovich hot spot, but yet again, science wins. Pretending a virus isn't real doesn't make it harmless.
Veronica
Here's an idea. Why don't you talk to them?
Veronica
No, you tried to trick them. I'm saying talk to them. Listen to their concerns. Express your concerns. Have an actual conversation.
V, you act like these are human beings.
Well, nothing else has worked. It's worth a shot.
Oh, Jesus, I don't know what's more toxic, their filth or your optimism.
What's up with the fancy outfit? Parole hearing?
Veronica
No. I like to look nice for men who have nothing better to do than sit in a bar all day. Alderman sent over a list of people who didn't vote in the last election, so I am going door-to-door to get them to the polls.
You can skip my house. I'll be here.
Veronica
Black people. We need to get this rent control bill passed so Black people can afford to stay in the neighborhood. Tell them to stop paying rent.
That's what the Milkoviches do.
Where do people like that come from in the first place?
Veronica
The South. Once they realized they had to start picking the cotton, they migrated to the Midwest to take part in our industrial economy.
No, the Milkovich clan came here from Poland after the Polish-Russian war. For some reason, when white people lose a war, they all move to Chicago.
All right, Frank. You ready?
No. Come on, we're a team.
Exactly. That's why the Milkoviches will listen to us. We're relatable. We're not Jordan and Pippen. We're Tommy and Kermit.
I'm surprised they didn't ask you to coach the Bulls.
[Going out door] Come on.
Fine. Let's get this over with. [Finishes drink and walks after]
Veronica
How'd it go? Did you bury the hatchet?
Veronica
You okay, baby? What's wrong?
So much. So much is wrong.
I don't know. You think? I thought we got to a pretty good place there at the end.
Veronica
What happened?
Well, one of them was skinning a deer, and then the other one was branding himself.
Veronica
What?
Right in their front yard. We have to move.
Veronica
We're not moving.
It's like living next to the Manson family, V. The blood?
Veronica
I gotta get back out to finding Black folks. That's the only thing that's gonna fix this. Get out the vote. This is our home, not theirs.
If anyone's moving, it's them. Maybe this is it, the final stop in Caucasian evolution: white trash. In the end, we'll all be Milkoviches.
[Veronica giggles and he pokes head above Alibi bar counter before flashback scenes] Oh, sh- oh, hey! Uh, V? [Stands up and doing up pants]
Veronica
Yeah?
V. Did you know they were coming?
Veronica
No! Hell no! 'Scuse me. Can I help you? Oh, sure, this is what you're here for? Okay, here's what happened last week on Shameless. Married people you know with kids can still have fantastic sex. [Veronica goes down with Kevin undoing pants and going down]
Shameless · 903 quotes
