[Fiona and Craig are making passionate love]
I had the biggest crush on you in school, Craig.
CCraig
My God, you're beautiful. I love you. Dead people poop themselves. [In Debbie's voice] Dead people poop themselves.
What? [She wakes up with Debbie standing over her]
Dead people poop themselves.
Harry pooped himself after he died.
He was my first dead person.
Finishing my nice dream now.
There are 200 euphemisms for death.
Kicked the bucket. Met his maker. Ate dirt. Six feet under. Pushing daisies.
[Answers phone] Can't a brother get some sleep here?
Bit the dust. Bought a pine condo. Went off the twig. Basted the formaldehyde turkey.
Winning one for the reaper. Living impaired. Past his sell-by date. Just add maggots.
CCraig
So Fiona Gallagher.
CCraig
So, what've you been up to since graduation?
I never graduated. My mom split my junior year. So I had to quit school, take care of the family.
It is what it is. What'd you do after graduation?
CCraig
Went into business with my dad. Concrete.
CCraig
Yeah, ha. I was surprised to hear from you.
I didn't think you'd remember me.
CCraig
How could I not? You had the best ass in class. Ha, ha, I can still picture you in those sexy shorts running track during our football practices. Did you know I had a crush on you?
CCraig
Ha, ha, ha, I might've had an inkling.
So how come you never jumped me?
CCraig
I was afraid you might reject me.
CCraig
You never jumped me.
You were a senior, I was a sophomore. And for the record, you know, I wouldn't have rejected you. Now you tell me. Besides, you were with that bitchy cheerleader. What was her name? Lucy Joe?
CCraig
Yeah. You mean my wife?
CCraig
We had a few breakups, but we've been together since we were 15. What about you?
We haven't been together since we were 15.
CCraig
There's nothing we can do about that now, can we?
No. You had to go mess everything up by getting married.
CCraig
We would've been good together too.
Probably, yeah. Would've been great.
CCraig
Guess we'll never find out now.
[Reading a newspaper] What the hell? They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?
CCraig
I haven't raped anybody in here.
No one's ever raped anyone in here! At least not in the inside. Out in the alleyway, maybe. But I knew people thought The Alibi was shitty, but now they think we're rapey?
Give it to me. Who wrote it? Bethany Pickford-Watson. Of course she has two last names.
Does she look familiar to you?
CCraig
I'd hit that for sure.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! "They even pay black prostitutes with fake boobs to walk around in short skirts." Imma kill that bitch.
This is so unfair. I mean, look around. W-w-what's so rapey about this place, anyway?
I have two daughters. What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery?
V got to you, didn't she?
The Alibi should be a sanctuary, a haven where women can come, relax, and only get laid if they want to.
We could all use a place where we could get laid if we wanted to.
In this day and age, you can't say shit to a woman without her crying harassment. Hell, they'd sue their own reflections if they could.
I'm just not gonna talk to them anymore.
No one talks to your ass anyway.
Yeah, but if they did, I wouldn't say anything.
Creepily glaring at them is not the answer.
Hell, I probably catcalled nine or ten women yesterday.
You think women like that?
I'm in construction. I can't just change. Doesn't matter if time's up or not. If a chick walks by, I instinctively grab my balls, and yell Suck on this." It's just what happens.
All right, let's start there. You can't call 'em chicks anymore.
Mm, I don't think so. Contains the word "men." I got it. [Snaps fingers] Vaginal enterprises.
Maybe we should just stick with "women."
CCraig
Oh. Some... women...
CCraig
[Laughs] Some women like to be told they're pretty.
CCraig
Now, how are we supposed to know the difference between the ones that like it and the ones that don't?
Old women like being hit on. Maybe we should just allow the old women in.
Why the hell would we want that?
CCraig
We need a consistent standard.
All right, here's your standard. Assume you are disgusting, that no one wants you to touch them, and they couldn't care less if you think they're pretty or not-- there's your damn standard.
Kermit; I've never been so confused.
The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore. If women stay away, bad for business. Plus, rapey is wrong. A-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.
I was staying at a motel in Gary, laying asphalt after high school. Invited the front-desk girl to my room for a few beers. We ended up having sex, but she kind of cried through the whole thing. What's that called?
You think she wanted me to stop?
You think she was crying because she was having a good time?
Being manipulative and pathetic.
About the only way I ever get sex is being manipulative and pathetic.
You ever jack off into a potted plant? Ask for massages wearing an open bathrobe? Hmm? Rape a couple dozen?
Then you're probably an Ansari.
That's just being a dick.
CCraig
Slipped a woman a Quaalude once.
What about that handsy Dr. Rob at the clinic, with the deep body hugs and the butt pats?
Cartoon guy. He made Toy Story.
I love Toy Story. Buzz Lightyear! [Chuckles]
I mean, I slept with a woman I was dating's 19-year-old daughter last year. That got a name?
W- she made all the first moves, though.
You're gonna need a bigger board for your list, babe.
Consent, gentlemen. [Picks up stack of forms] A clear and verbal consent to participate in sexual activity, [Dumps stack on counter] freely given and reversible.
Even if we're both naked and already doing it?
Even if you're already naked and banging. [Door opens] When she says "stop," you stop.
BBeth
Beth Watson, Southside Beat.
Beth, thank you for coming. Can I get you something? Maybe a chilled glass of Chablis or a Cosmo?
Shameless · 903 quotes
