Went to Congressman Ubberman's office, see if he could recommend me, but I couldn't even get an appointment.
Ubberman. He's a congressman?
You know him?
White guy? Red face? Sweaty?
Yeah.
[Laughs] I'll be damned! Hey, babe, did you know that Wubby's a congressman?
Seriously?
When I was a dominatrix, he was one of my regulars. Dude used to like me to whip him and call him Wubby. And now he's a congressman.
Do you still whip him?
Ah, I retired years ago. Leather underwear is not too good for my lady parts.
Would you ever think about coming out of retirement?
Never.
Even if it meant giving an underprivileged South Side kid a chance at achieving his dream?
S&M is not like riding a bike, Carl. You can't just strap on a pair of stilettos, pop a ball gag in someone's mouth, and start to whipping them. That is not how you ride a bike.
I mean, that's okay. Who's gonna let a poor South Side kid become an officer, anyway? I'll just enlist, embrace the suck, retire an old, disabled, sad alcoholic. Maybe they'll let me teach high school ROTC from my wheelchair if I'm lucky.
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