Ian Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Last night, I fucked my sink. My balls are so blue.

Yeah, that's right.

Ian

Then shall we talk, try to agree on the proper ways to manage our relationships with those we love and care for?

Sure. Whatever the fuck you say, as long as I get my ass eaten out.

Ian

All right. Let's break bread and drink wine together.

Ian

When we speak of marriage, what do we speak of? Well, you could turn to the Bible, see what they have to say. We could try Ephesians 5:25. "For a man shall love his wife the way Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her." But that's not very applicable to us, is it? Well, when I see these beautiful couples standing before me today, living under the terms of our newly-negotiated deal, one of mutual consent and reduced aggression, I see a true union, a union that defies categorization. So, Bob and Hobart, Sameer and EJ, Gary and Turkish, do you come to this courtyard today purely to exchange vows?

I do.

Ian

Let's start with you, Bob and Hobart.

Gallagher. You made bail.

Ian

What?

You're out of here.

Ian

No, there's been a mistake, all right? I'm in the middle of vows. My work here is not done. I am not leaving. [Ian stars getting manhandled away by guards]

Move it, come on, come on.

Ian

No.

[Get in a shoving matches with the guards] Don't touch Father Gallagher! We protect him. Let him finish!

Ian

I don't wanna go!

So wait, are they married or not?! Say they're married, Gallagher!

Ian

By the power vested in me and the great state of Illinois...! [Gate slams]

Lip

[before flashback scenes] Fuck you guys want?

Ian

It's the recap shit.

Lip

What, you guys miss last week's episode?

Ian

Eh, we should probably show it to 'em.

Lip

I guess. Go.

Lip

Um... The fuck you doing?

Ian

Waiting.

Lip

Waiting for what?

Ian

Shim.

Frank

[Arrives with Mo White campaign signs] Good morning, my indigenous South Siders! Don't mind me. Just showing our support for a better tomorrow. [Starts planting a sign on the lawn]

Lip

Huh?

Ian

Hi.

Lip

W-what's a "shim"?

Ian

Shim. God. But God doesn't have a gender, or maybe it's both genders, so she, him--Shim. Mother-father God.

Lip

And you're waiting for Shim to...

Ian

Talk to me. Tell me what to do next.

Lip

Does that happen a lot?

Ian

Used to all the time in jail, but since I've been out, nothing.

Frank

That's because it never happened. Shim, a higher power, the great I Am, Great Spirit-- call it whatever you want-- but it ain't talking to you.

Lip

And we weren't talking to you.

Frank

Enlightenment, or whatever these new-fangled hippy-dippy religions are selling, is a waste of time. Gay Jesus, Taoism, Scientology, Christian Science, Joel Osteen, Deepak Chopra-- It's like going to one of those flaky schools where the students create their own curriculum, then don't get graded on it. Religion isn't a startup, Ian. You want God to talk to you, you gotta stick with the classics: Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity. And if you break the rules, you burn in hell for all eternity. And there's your enlightenment. In the meantime, I shall be saving the South Side from the endless caravan of immigrants. [Walks away]

Ian

Look, I've never been to a Buddhist temple before. I need Shim to talk to me. Uh, God. To talk to me. Any tips?

Repeat. I'm here to learn.

Ian

"I'm here to learn."

I take refuge in the Buddha.

Ian

"I take refuge in the Buddha."

Until I attain enlightenment.

Ian

"Until I attain enlightenment." Quick question. Once I attain enlightenment, then will Shim talk to me? 'Cause they did for a while. But then, suddenly, it stopped. So did Shim stop talking to me, or did I stop hearing Shim?

Ian

Okay, uh, rough estimate, how long does it normally take?

For Buddha, it took one night.

Ian

Well, that's not that bad.

After ages and lives of meditation.

Ian

Right, okay. I don't have that kind of time. I'm sorry. Uh, namaste.

Hello. I'm afraid you just missed the Chabot morning service.

Ian

Oh, actually, I was just, uh, looking for some answers.

I'm the rabbi. What's the question?

Ian

If a religion or a movement makes the world a better place, does it matter if it goes in a different direction than originally intended?

Well, you pretty much just summed up every religion. A better question might be "What is God's will?"

Ian

That's exactly what I want to know. Does God speak to you?

I pray to God, yeah, but in the Jewish faith, we believe that the five books of the Torah are the word of God.

Ian

Kind of like the Bible.

Mm, just the first part.

Ian

Yeah, I read it. So... God did speak to someone?

To Moses, and Moses... [Clicks tongue] wrote it down.

Ian

But he spoke to him, with words?

Mm-hm, but only to Moses.

Ian

No one else, ever?

Not with words. He did set a bush on fire once.

Ian

What is it with religions and setting things on fire?

Lip

[Chuckles] No.

Liam

[Clutching side] I'm not feeling so good. Think I'm coming down with something.

Lip

Buddy, it's not happening. You're going to school. Go.

Liam

It's a waste of time. I'm not learning anything. Can you just homeschool me?

Lip

[To Xan] No coffee. Milk or juice.

Liam

All the famous people are homeschooled- Leonardo da Vinci, Abe Lincoln, Justin Bieber.

Lip

I don't see you painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anytime soon, Biebs. Go.

Lip

Hey, Carl, how much longer those dogs gonna be dying down there?

Carl

It's in God's hands now.

Lip

Well, tell God to hurry the fuck up, all right? The whole house stinks.

Carl

I'm providing an essential service to below-the-poverty-line animal lovers while racking up on community service hours for my West Point application. It's a win-win.

Frank

Hey. Military service is for losers.

Carl

Spoken like a true patriot. And I'll be proud to protect your Constitutional right to be an asshole, Frank. What's with the outfit?

Frank

Got to hit the stump with Mo. Tomorrow's election day. We're fighting for the under-represented Caucasian male.

Lip

I think you're on the wrong side of history on this one.

Frank

Oh, I know Mo probably isn't gonna win.

Lip

Probably?

Frank

But democracy's about fighting for what you believe is right. And rounding up as much campaign contribution cash as possible. Mo isn't taking money from lobbyists and corporate elites. Only small donations from the local citizenry.

Lip

'Cause nobody with any sense would want to support a pedophile.

Frank

Au contraire, fruit of my loins. No less a luminary than the president of these United States supported a candidate of questionable sexual history in regard to the chasing of underage tail.

Lip

Yeah, and the guy lost.

Carl

How much you getting paid, Frank?

Lip

[To Xan] Here you go.

Frank

I take a small stipend, as is the custom for campaign managers.

Ian

Might not want to wear that shirt out of the house, Frank.

Ian

Oh. Sure they wouldn't have been better off if you'd just gassed them like you were supposed to?

Carl

I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Ian

How are you gonna order men to kill the enemy if you can't put down a couple of old dogs?

Carl

What?

Ian

That's what officers do- order men to kill. What'd you think they were gonna teach you at West Point, marching cadences?

Carl

Is that what Gay Jesus would do?

Ian

What, kill old dogs? Hell, no. Gay Jesus is all about inclusion and grace, but you're not looking to get into Heaven. You want to lead lean, mean murdering machines. Can't kill a couple of old dogs, might be about time to start considering... teaching kindergarten? Nursing school?

Hey, you're Ian, right? Gay Jesus.

Ian

Yeah.

Um... I've been watching your videos with my friends. Burning vans, the sermons... It's inspiring.

Ian

Thanks.

You really believe that's what Jesus was teaching?

Ian

What, inclusion, love and acceptance for all? Yeah, absolutely.

You don't think God sees homosexual bestiality as a sinful perversion of His divine creation?

Ian

What?

Get him! [Van side door opens and thugs chase Ian all the way home]

Ian

Hi, Mr. Milkovich.

Terry

Mickey's in Mexico. Fuck off, rectum boy.

Ian

I'm not here to see Mickey. I'm here to see you.

Terry

What, you trying to faggify all of us?

Ian

You don't faggify people. That's not how-- how much time'd you do in the pen?

Terry

Eighteen years, on and off.

Ian

How bad was it?

Terry

Depends on your definition of bad. Mouth-and ass-rapings-- which you'd probably enjoy-- beatings by the guards, food sucked--

Ian

You were mouth- and ass-raped?

Terry

You kidding? I did the raping. Milkoviches don't bottom.

Ian

Was Mickey adopted?

Terry

Fuck off, Gallagher.

Ian

Okay, rapings... food, guards-- I can handle that shit. I just need to know if--

Terry

Anyone can handle that shit. It's the boredom that'll kill you. Starts out, you're figuring out your surroundings. Then the day-to-day sets in. Start reading books, lifting weights, fuck a few of the pussy boys in the yard, but you're in the same place with the same assholes, doing the same shit every second of every hour of every day of every goddamned year. I was you, I'd pack my shit and run.

Debbie

Hey. What you doing up there?

Ian

Putting away my stuff till I get back. Hand me those bags.

Debbie

You decide what you want to do today yet? I could call in sick from work.

Ian

Well, I don't think I want to do anything.

Debbie

Ah, come on, we got to do something. It's your last day of freedom.

Ian

Nah, I think I just want to hang at the house. You heading into the shop today?

Lip

I got a job as a sober companion for the next couple hours. Hey, uh, how about we ride the El up to Wrigley when I get back? Beat the shit out of some Cubs fans?

Ian

Yeah, I don't need more time added to my sentence. What's a sober companion?

Lip

I'm babysitting some rich lush, making sure they don't drink.

Frank

Anybody who can't stop drinking on his own is a pussy.

Debbie

We could take you to a gay bar and get you laid.

Ian

Pretty sure I'll get laid a lot in prison.

Carl

Yo, what are we doing today? My new lady and I are supposed to go work out, but I could cancel it.

Debbie

He doesn't want to do anything.

Carl

What? You don't want to steal a car, or drop bowling balls off a freeway?

Ian

I'm good.

Hey, man.

Ian

Hey.

Hey, man, thanks for covering for me.

Ian

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Client's in the room now.

Ian

Okay.

Hey, took an Ambien. She'll probably be asleep till tonight.

Ian

Great, yeah.

She got a stockholders' meeting in the morning with Highland Cosmetics. She's their keynote speaker, Jen Wagner. If she shows up hammered, the company's gonna drop her as their spokesperson.

Ian

You're talking about Jen Wagner, the movie star chick?

Yeah, that's the one.

Ian

Uh, I didn't know she was a boozer.

Everybody got their demons, right?

Ian

Yeah.

I should be back from dropping off my kid at camp around 5:00 to relieve you.

Ian

All right. Yeah-yeah, I got you.

Thank you.

Ian

Yeah. [Toby walks down hall]

Ian

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one. So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right?

Carl

Enough with these Carl stories.

Kelly

[To Carl] Hey, let me get that.

Carl

No way. I want more.

Kelly

Me too.

Jen

Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison. Mm, this is amazing.

Lip

I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.

Jen

I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up. [They laugh]

Kelly

Come on, tell the story.

Ian

All right, so he's five or six years old--

Lip

Wait- wait- wait, is this the penis or the cat story?

Ian

Penis.

Carl

Shit.

Ian

And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.

Kelly

No.

Lip

But he called it his... [With Ian] Bubble gum.

Carl

Yeah. 'Cause it looks like bubble gum.

Ian

He took a screwdriver...

No!

Carl

Yeah. Yep.

Kelly

Is that what that scar is?

Carl

Uh-huh.

Jen

Well, and why the hell'd you do that?

Carl

I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.

Jen

[Laughs] Creative.

Carl

See? I'm a genius. Yeah, you're a genius.

Jen

Did pee come out?

Carl

It smelled like pee.

Jen

Oh, God.

Ian

What a genius.

Debbie

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.

Ian

Nice. Hey, what's going on, Deb?

Debbie

[Grabs White Castle bag] Ooh. Yes.

Lip

Was it two?

Carl

Was it?

Debbie

Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.

Jen

Mm.

Lip

Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.

Jen

And nominated for three Golden Globes and a People's Choice Award.

Whoa.

Carl

You're famous. You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh?

Jen

What?

Jen

No. Oh, you guys...

come on...

Jen

[Turns head dramatically] Face it. You're gorgeous.

Lip

[Clapping hands] Whoo, whoo!

Carl

Shit.

Mickey

Ugh! Get the fսck off me!

Ian

What's your problem?!

Mickey

I'm sick of the smell of goddamn mayonnaise. It's like getting screwed by a bowl of potato salad every morning.

Ian

It's the only lube we have in this shithole.

Mickey

Well, it makes me wanna gag every time you come near me.

Ian

Oh, yeah, 'cause you taking a shit every night at 8:15 is a real fսckin' bed of roses.

Mickey

At least my shit gets flushed, unlike your coleslaw-smellin' dіck.

Ian

Can't be 8:30, can it? Or seven o'clock? No, Mickey has to shit every night at the exact same time. That's annoying.

Shut up!

Mickey

Is it? Is it as annoying as the way you lick your finger every single time you turn the page of whatever faggoty-ass book you're reading? Okay. "My name's Ian. I can't turn the page like a normal human being. I have to put my whole goddamn paw in my mouth."

Ian

You know what? If you actually knew how to read, maybe you'd understand, not, "Look at these fսcking [Mickey displays gesture] squiggle-dings all over this piece of paper!"

Every morning, the same shit! man: You're like old women!

I came to prison to get away from my parents.

Mickey

Eat my cornhole, cocks!

Not if it smells like mayonnaise.

Mickey

Exactly! [Buzzer blares ]

Let's go! Line it up!

Ian

Hey. I wanna see the warden about getting a new roommate.

What is this, fսckin' summer camp? [Shoves Ian aside] Get your ass to breakfast!

Lip

Hey. How was prison? Turn you gay?

Ian

Yeah, I'm a big ol' cock hound now. You know, if you weren't my brother, I'd-

Shut the fսck up and get out here.

Lip

It's crème brûlée, actually. Got one of these vape things from Carl. Trying to quit smoking for Fred.

Ian

Aren't those things worse for you?

Lip

Yeah, you know they market these to kids, you know? Bastards would have one in Fred's hand if he could hold anything bigger than a rattle.

Ian

Where is the little guy, huh?

Lip

May or may not be lying in a pile of glass. Huh? He's with Tami. She wanted to take care of him alone today.

Ian

Oh. Sorta hoping you'd bring him.

Lip

Yeah, I would have felt better if I did. Tami's not exactly a natural caretaker. But, hey, what do you wanna do, huh? Wanna get some White Castle or...

Ian

Ah, you know, actually, just want to head home, see everybody, meet the kid. I missed everyone.

Lip

Soft bitch.

Ian

The fսck you got a lady car?

Lip

Well, it's Tami's car. It's kinda cute, though, right?

Ian

Oh, we're saying words like, "cute" now, are we, Pops, huh? Yeah, we're saying words like "cute."

Mickey

This everything?

Sandy

As much as I could find.

Mickey

Hey, anybody, uh, kind of...brown come around the house looking for me?

Sandy

No.

Mickey

Good. How is everyone, anyway?

Sandy

[Laughs] Same. Your brothers are idiots. Least once a week, one of them gets drunk, crawls into my bed, and tries to get something off of me.

Mickey

Fսck 'em, chop their nuts off next time they try it.

Sandy

Or I could stay here with you. Have fun like we did when we were kids. [Grabs his crotch]

Mickey

Jeez! You know that's messed up, right?

Sandy

Not like we're related.

Mickey

We are totally related. We're fսcking cousins! And you're gay.

Sandy

Fine, whatever.

Ian

Plus, he's taken.

Sandy

Oh, right, you.

Ian

Yeah, good to see you too, Sandy. Bathroom's all yours.

Mickey

Hey, I had shampoo and sh¡t. Is there soap anywhere?

Sandy

You've been gone for years. You think your brothers would save that shit for you?

Ian

You can use mine. We'll hit Costco later. I'm getting paid.

Mickey

I can't, man. PO texted me when you were in the shower. He's got a job for me.

Ian

Give me a list of s*** for me you need and I'll pick it up for you.

Sandy

Isn't that cute. Little domestic b******.

Ian

Mm, thank you.