[Fiona and Margo are meeting with two black men at The Alibi Room]
And these are contingencies, like appraisals, and, um, inspections and mortgage agreements, but no rush, by the way. It's just for your information.
M1Man 1
We'll have our lawyers look it over.
IanHey, Fi.
Ian
You Margo?
Ian
Well, your office said we could find you here. [Hands over envelope] I have a check for the church. It's a down payment.
Ian
The youth shelter. We were gonna lease it, but now we wanna buy it.
Wait, the shelter is you and Trevor?
Ian
That's my sister.
Come outside a second. I'll be right back. [Fiona and Ian walk out of the diner] Those guys are buying the church.
Ian
Wait, has anyone signed anything yet?
Ian
Cool, okay, so go tell them not to.
Ian, you don't want that place. It's... it's a piece of shit inside.
Ian
Oh, no, we love it. It's perfect.
Well, you'll find another place. I mean, trashed buildings that nobody wanted before are popping up for sale all over.
Ian
They'll find another place. We found it first.
The neighborhood is against the shelter.
Ian
You, like, speak for the neighborhood now? People wanna feel safe.
My kids wanna feel safe. These guys are South Side. They want to give back. They want to engage the community, provide programs for kids in need. Kids like yours!
Ian
My kids don't need art classes. They need homes. They're at-risk.
They're not at-risk, they are risk, Ian. That girl you brought into our house bit off a dick!
Ian
That's exactly why she needs help!
I have worked too hard and risked too much of my ass and put it on the...
Ian
I promised those kids that church, Fiona. I am not tearing it...
Find another fucking church! [He walks away unsatisfied]
Can I get a coffee, two sugars, and a bran muffin, please?
Ian
What's up?
[They do hand slaps] Hey, what's up, man? [Has a realisation] Hey, can I ask you something?
Ian
Yeah, sure. Shoot.
How did you know you were gay? Were you, like, straight, and then started experimenting and just decided that you liked being gay more?
Ian
I... guess I just kinda knew.
So you were always positive that you were into dudes more?
Ian
I... no, I guess not really. You know when you're younger, everyone tells you that you're supposed to be into girls. So I, I kinda went through this weird phase in fifth grade where I was really into this chick Carrie Yazel, but I'm pretty sure it's just 'cause she was the one who looked most like a dude. It wasn't until...
Ian
Justin Timberlake.
Ian
Yep.
Ian
No.
Ian
Yeah. But I mean...
Ian, soy latte no foam, extra hot. Two sugars and a muffin. Yours is paid for. The guy at the end of the counter. I gotta run.
Are you trying to fuck me?
MMMuffin man
N-n-no. No, I j- I just- I, uh- no.
'Cause it's not a... It's not a bad thing if you were. I'm not offended. And I'm not saying no.
MMMuffin man
I'm... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Um, once a week, I... I try and do a good deed.
So... So you're not hitting on me?
MMMuffin man
No. No. No, no. It was totally random. I really... I hope you're not offended, because, you know, I... I just... You're a good looking dude and everything, I'm just...
MMMuffin man
Okay. Thanks.
MMMuffin man
Have a nice day.
MMMuffin man
For what? No. No, it's not code for anything. It just means "have a nice day."
[Playful tone] Have a nice day. [Winks at him and walks away]
Who let me be a father? That kid is so screwed having me as an old man.
Ian
Everyone's old man is an asshole. You're not special.
Tell me I didn't fuck Yoli. I can't go back. I can't face Cami. They're better off without me.
Ian
Drink your coffee.
I just don't have it, man. I don't have the strength. Let me go. Just... let me go, look at me.
Ian
You think you're such a fuckup? You got everything, man. Everything that matters, you've got. You think that was an accident? You built that family. Right? You built that business. Hard work. Recovery every day. You have a life. You have people that love you. 'Cause you deserve it. So shut the hell up, you whiny bitch. Drink your coffee. And then you're gonna start over. I hurt my hand on your fuckin' ribs.
Yeah. I think you might've broke one, too.
Ian
Good, asshole. I owe you.
WWaitress
[Referring to TV] Hey. Hey, turn that up.
NNewscaster
...and the search for the most hated man in Chicago continues, as the fate of the Michael Jordan statue's arm remains a mystery.
Somebody cut off the arm of the Michael Jordan statue? What kind of asshole would do something like that? No. No way. It's just 'cause I... I love him so much, man. What did I do with it? Because, you know... I- I'll be burned at the stake if people find out.
[Fiona is awoken by a bucket of water thrown on her by Ian]
Ian
Morning.
No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...
[Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!
Think we should do something?
She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.
He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?
So we shouldn't do anything?
Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.
Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.
No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.
Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?
Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.
I still need $3,527 for tuition.
Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.
[Enters kitchen] Mornin'.
Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.
Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.
[Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!
Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!
Hey. Look, I don't care who's right or who's wrong anymore. I just want this to be over.
Ian
You threw away their shit.
And you called an inspector on me. Cost me 400 bucks in sprinkler services. We both did shit. We're both guilty. I don't care anymore. I just want to fix this. I called Margo. She's got another building she's willing to lease. It's way down on Ashland, but it's got good bones and she's willing to rent it monthly.
Ian
I already found the perfect building. You stole it.
I understand that you feel wronged. And while I do not see it that way, I'm trying to do the right thing here. I got Margo to waive first and last.
Ian
We don't want your charity.
Wait, where... where is this place?
Ian
Fuck off, Fiona. The answer's no.
What the fuck is wrong with you? I am trying to move forward here and you are acting like a toddler! What is going on with you? Are you off your meds?
Ian
What?
You heard me. Your meds. Are you taking 'em? Are you?
Ian
Yeah. I am taking my fucking meds, Fiona. I'm just... fucking angry. Are you gonna accuse me of being off my meds every time I get fucking angry for the rest of my life? 'Cause I am allowed to get angry... at bitch assholes when they are being fucking bitch assholes!
It's a good building. At least take a look, okay?
PPastor
Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man also lie with mankind" as he lieth with a woman, both of them "have committed an abomination."
CCongregationalists
Praise the Lord.
PPastor
But we are here today to give sweet Tammy a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of the Lord and return back to her flock.
Ian
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
PPastor
Matthew 18 says we must confront the sinner and give him a chance to repent. So, I ask you in front of your family, Tammy, do you want to be cured of the homosexuality disease and go back to being a normal girl again?
PPastor
Do you want God back in your life, Tammy?
PPastor
He can't hear you, Tammy. Do you want God back in your life?
PPastor
Then let us now close our eyes and raise our palms to Tammy so that we may light the path for this lost lamb to find her way back to the kingdom of heaven where she can become the beautiful, feminine woman with long hair that she was put on this Earth to be.
CCongregationalists
Amen.
Ian
I'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy.
Come on, let's get out of here.
[Ian and Lip are in kitchen with Carl, Debbie, Liam and Kassidi]
Ian
Do we have a Bible?
Ian
Yeah, the good book.
[Appears from front door] Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated?
ILIan, Lip, Carl, Debbie and Liam
Yes.
Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.
And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.
Who had several different names.
Ian
Almost married a heroin addict.
Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.
Didn't you also get fired from a job for fucking your boss' brother?
Ian
Testified against me to the military, fired me, stole my church.
Okay, I get it. I'm complicated. I'm gonna go walk my dog now. Well, I can keep going. Fuck you guys. At least Rusty loves me. [Leaves out backdoor]
PPastor
This poor child couldn't help himself once the devil got inside of him. Psalm 101:3 says, "I will not look with approval on anything that is vile. I hate what faithless people do. I will have no part of it."
Ian
Romans 13:810 says, "Let no debt" remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law."
PPastor
What is your name?
Ian
Ian... Gallagher.
PPastor
Are you a homosexual, Ian?
Ian
Indeed, I am.
PPastor
Would you like to come up to the altar and bring Jesus back into your life?
Ian
No. I'm... I'm good. See, I already got Jesus in my life.
PPastor
Corinthians 6:9-10 clearly states, "Neither the sexually immoral nor" male prostitutes nor homosexuals "will inherit the kingdom of God."
CCongregationalists
Amen.
Ian
Really? 'Cause Colossians 3:11-13 says, "Here there is no Jew or Gentile, barbarian, Scythian," slave nor free, but Christ "is all, and is in all."
PPastor
Corinthians 6:17-20, "Flee from sexual immorality." All the sins a person commits are outside of the body, "but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body."
Ian
Galatians 5:14, "For the entire law" is fulfilled in keeping the command: "Love thy neighbor as thyself."
PPastor
The lust of the flesh comes not from the father, but from the world.
Ian
Woe to you, teachers of law and Pharisees, you hypocrites.
PPastor
You don't actually think you can win a Bible quoting contest with me.
PPastor
Are you the queer boyfriend?
No, I'm queer transgender ex-boyfriend, actually. But we'll probably start banging again soon. Hey, any of you queers sick of this bullshit wanna get out of here? We got this brick building over on Ashland. It's the one with all the gay rainbow flags.
LSLewis's father
Lewis! Get back here! Lewis! Get back here!
Ian
You wanna fight? I'll fight you, but you're gonna get your ass kicked by a homosexual. Let's go. [Holds up bible and walks to door] Fags, this way!
SSSteven's father
Steven you get over here, right now.
Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
Wasn't Rusty. He was with me at the apartment.
This is where we first made ramen noodles together.
What's with the... documentary?
Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks. She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
This is where you first went down on me.
Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
What, you haven't rented that apartment yet?
No, I will. Just... too many folks crashing here right now.
That's Toto. He's tied up outside.
Belongs to the hipster couple up the street. Got a job dog sitting.
Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
Yeah, he gets barky sometimes. I can't figure out why. But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
Ian
Mornin'.
You and, uh, Trev boning again?
Ian
Definitely turning a corner.
Everybody's boning somebody but me?
Duran and I call it "besties with benefits."
[Scoffs] I hope you're all double-bagging. This place is already too crowded.
[Ian is pinpointing locations on a map]
My God... You're, still at it.
Ian
Yeah, I'm trying to figure out where all the gayhating churches are. There's like one in every neighborhood.
Homophobia's back in style.
Ian
Not for long.
Well, lookee here, Mr. Popularity. Mr. Mr. Viral Sensation.
Ian
Okay.
Ian
Kind of hoping they'll lose interest.
Yeah, well, there's more and more of them every day. They're blocking the garage door. I'm gonna have to park the ambulance outside by the curb so I don't accidentally run somebody over. What do they even want?
Ian
Guess they just want to be seen by... someone who sees 'em back.
Please. Looks to me like they want to douse you in syrup and slurp you up with a spoon.
Ian
Could be down for that.
[Ian is speaking to his fans all gathered in the family room]
Ian
It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
GJGay Jesus fans
[In unison] That's right. That's right.
Ian
We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...
[Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]
"Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.
Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.
[Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?
Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.
Ian
We all have the Trinity inside of us...
...
Ian
Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
MMurph
I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
Ian
No, it's just 'cause of that video.
MMurph
No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
Ian
I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
MMurph
Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]
Ian
How's the new place?
Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
Ian
Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.
So why not quit if you hate it so much?
Ian
I don't. Just... trying to manage it.
[Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.
Ian
Don't marry her.
I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.
Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
Ian
The fuck is this, Frank?
Son, I don't think I've articulated how impressed I am with your recent endeavors. I knew you were talented, but...
Ian
"The Church of Gay Jesus." Is this a jumbo shirt?
To reach the masses, you've got to embrace merchandising to take your brand to the next level. How about t-shirts proudly displaying your message?
Ian
Well, I- I don't have a church. And I'm not fuckin' Jesus.
Tongue in cheek, son. When you repurpose a- an iconic logo for the- the sake of kitsch, you present an ironic critique of American consumerism. And if that logo just happens to resemble a... giant, throbbing penis, what could be more counterculture?
Ian
It looks like a hot dog. And the lettering sucks.
Revolutions don't come wrapped in a cute ribbon. You want to bring down power structures? You want to get in the face of people who are peddling corroded ideals? You need a uniform that screams authenticity. We didn't pay Chinese factory orphans three cents an hour to make these. No, this is our living room. Our hands. Our sweat. Talk about grassroots.
Ian
I have a meeting tonight at Trinity and Life Evangelical. You can hawk your shit there, but everything you make has to go to Trevor's kids.
Come on! This is my retirement fund. Twenty percent. Thirty? Okay, 95 percent, and we appreciate your business.
Ian
You can't be living on the street. It's dangerous.
BBlake
I can't go home. When I came out, they lost it.
Ian
He says that they're okay with you being gay.
BBlake
That's bullshit. They put me into therapy, three days a week. Started going to a church where this asshole was always talking about sodomy and God's will. They wanna lock me up with other kids whose parents don't wanna deal with who their kids really are.
Ian
He says your therapist thinks you may be mentally ill.
BBlake
They put me on these drugs, knocked me on my ass. I couldn't even get out of bed. I couldn't get an erection. That's what they really want, so that I can't have sex with another boy, you know? Ever.
Ian
Well... you can't stay here. We have to find someplace where you can be safe, where you can be yourself.
BBlake
So you'll help me?
[Ian and Fiona are talking via visitation phones at the prison]
I'm close to getting the bail money. The court just did an appraisal on my building.
Ian
How soon?
Ian
I- I need a few more days. There's oppression everywhere in here.
W- what are you talking about? I'm busting my ass to get you out of this shit hole.
Ian
My work here is not done. I-I'm saving the submissives from their sexual oppressors.
And I'm getting you a $50,000 gift of freedom.
Ian
Look, I organized a strike against the gangbangers who terrorize the gay and trans inmates. They take out their feelings of... inadequacy and repressed homosexuality on us queers, and they practice really bad sexual hygiene.
A- are they giving you your meds in there?
Ian
I-I'm protecting defenseless lambs from having their emotional and physical spirits slaughtered, Fiona.
Shameless · 903 quotes
