OOfficer
Ian Gallagher? Mikhailo Milkovich?
IanYeah, I'm Ian Gallagher. Can I help you, Officer?
OOfficer
Got some bad news for you. Your PO was found dead this morning. Paula's dead? Fell out of a third-floor window. Detectives want you both to come down to the station today, make statements.
Ian
Why? We don't know anything about that.
OOfficer
Whenever a PO dies, detectives interview all the parolees, especially if the death was suspicious.
Ian
Suspicious?
OOfficer
Well, people usually open a window before they jump out it. See you at the station. Bring Milkovich.
Ian
[In backyard lane] Mickey? Mickey! Hey, come on out. Cops are gone.
Ian
Paula's dead.
[Chuckles] No shit. Is it Christmas?
Ian
It's not funny. Someone threw her out a window.
You kidding me? That's extremely funny. There's, like, a fսcking verb for that.
Ian
I- I'm serious, Mickey. They want us to go into the station for questioning. You know anything about this?
Nah. fսck, no. I didn't kill her. Wait. Do you know something about this? No. That what you're telling me?
Ian
Of course not.
Ian
Wait, what stra- I- I didn't kill her.
Little bit, you did, though.
Ian
No. Not little bit. I did zero murdering of my PO last night, Mickey.
Ian
I'm not the one who came home late without any sort of explanation.
I did explain. I was with my dad.
No. You didn't explain why you were with your dad.
Ian
Exactly. Okay, so, to be clear, you didn't kill her, or, you know, you "didn't" kill her"?
Why are you putting shit in weird fսcking air quotes?
Ian
Because I didn't fսcking kill her.
Okay. Me neither. We both know what we know we know... that we know. [Mickey starts walking away]
Ian
What the fսck does that mean? Hey. Where you going?
[Scoffs] Wouldn't you like to know?
Ian
I- I- I would. I would like to know!
TNTV news reporter
Next up, a Florida man was found dead today, facedown in the lobster tank of a Tampa grocery store.
OOopie
[Setting down bowls of cereal] Here you go. A proper breakfast. The sugar in this cereal will kill you. In your case, however, I suspect that your lifestyle will kill you before your diet does.
Ian
Ah. Ah.
Was that Mickey this morning?
Ian
Yup.
Ian
With a twink named Byron.
Ian
You know, like Ms. Del Rey's kid. Yoga pants and glitter. Eh, not always. But yeah, sure.
So if you tell someone you're not marrying them, that means they can sleep with other people?
Ian
No. But Mickey's emotional IQ is lower than Carl's actual IQ.
Shit. You're fսckеd, dude.
Ian
Nah, he'll work it out of his system and we'll talk it out like adults. It'll be fine.
[Comes in door with Lip] Hang on to your wallets, everyone. Lip is here.
OOopie
Oh, there's my gorgeous niece. Prettier- mwah- than Megyn Kelly and smarter too. Oh, objectified by America and sexually harassed by your bosses? It's every girl's dream. Megyn Kelly? A blonde news host.
She thinks Santa's white.
Hey, did I hear a girly bike pull up this morning?
Ian
Mickey.
Oh, so you leaving him at the altar, that's become a thing, huh?
Ian
I- I didn't leave him at the altar.
LLLiam and Lip
Yes, you did.
Ian
I mean... It was City Hall. We were only getting married to outsmart the cops.
OOopie
You made the right decision. Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
What's that smell? Self-righteousness.
No. The air smells...clean.
Where is Frank? Haven't seen him in a while.
Enjoy it while it lasts. He'll be back to stinking up the place in no time, right? [Sets do Freddie in kiddie pen] Oh, there you go.
Jesus Christ. You're never gonna fix the fսcking thing, Byron. No one that rides a Vespa can fix anything.
Ian
Something happen to your little bike thingy?
BByron
Yeah. It's a Vespa, and... it stopped working all of a sudden.
Ian
Oh, weird.
What the hell are you doing here?
Ian
I came to drop off some of the stuff you left at my place.
Ian
And I was hoping that we could talk. In private.
You know, anything you got to say to me, you can say in front of the... love of my life, Byron.
Ian
Mickey. Okay. It was a mistake coming. [Turns to walk away]
BByron
Yeah. Hey, Ian, you want to come check out a show tomorrow? [Ian turns to walk back]
Jesus Christ. Read the fսcking room, Byron.
Ian
Show?
BByron
Yeah. It's the Imperial Mammoth. I don't know if you've heard about them. They're- they're, like, my favorite band right now.
Ian
Wait. Wait, yeah, yeah. They're the, uh, the hipster shit with the suspenders and the- the harp and all that, huh? Yeah, you're going to that?
BByron
I can get you on the list, too. I mean, I don't know if you need a plus- one or whatever-
Nah, no. He don't need a plus-one. Trust me, he's got a lot of, uh, what'd you say, "personal work" you needed to do before you'd be ready to play the field?
Ian
No. No. Uh, actually, I just took a page out of your playbook and attached myself to the first swinging dіck I saw. We barely know each other, but, pfft... man, it has been a fairy tale so far. It's actually why I came here is, uh... Looks like we both moved on, so no reason for things to be awkward, right?
Ian
Yeah, it all happened so fast, but when you know, you know. Right?
Ian
[Before flashback scenes] Ah, you wanna see what happened last week?
No, no, you know what? Fuck- Get outta here. We're not tellin' you sh¡t. Go- go, go, go.
Ian
Jesus, Mick.
Shoulda watched the last time.
[Pacing around outside Gallagher residence] Mickey! I know you're in there, you fսck¡n' homo! Hey, Mick, You faggy fɑggоt! You're never gonna marry that Gallagher queer, you hear me? Mickey!
Ian
Hey, your dad's here.
Hey, you want a Pride parade?! Yeah. How 'bout I slice off your pansy dicks and stick 'em on a fսcking float?! [Mickey walks out door] I got a little conversion therapy for you! You suck a dіck, you die.
Would you shut the fսck up?! You're annoying the shit outta everybody!
Well, if it isn't the little shirt lifter. Just want you to know- you marry a man, Imma put a fսcking bullet in your head! Simple as that!
Why wait, bitch?! I'm standing right here, Charlottesville. [Terry draws his firearm and Mickey draws his] Oh, look at that- we must shop at the same gun show.
The fսck happened to you?!
You know what they say- the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!
It does if it lands on a dіck!
Aw, please, stop. I get it, all right? You're proud a me.
You must really love cock.
Don't say I didn't warn ya, cocksmoker. [Walks past Mickey, shoulder bumping him]
Ian
So when you moving to Milwaukee?
Ian
You don't sound very excited about it.
Yeah, well... it is Milwaukee. Free house, though, right? Yeah, I mean, it's a nice house. Nice neighborhood. Yard. Well, damn. Jackpot. Saw an actual birdhouse with birds in it. Uh, not drսg. Birds.
Ian
So, how's your dad? You know, don't think he's gonna be my best man.
Hey, what's up, punk? Ready for school?
Can't go to school until Frank signs a form.
Ian
That says I live here.
Just drop out. I can't drop out. I'm ten.
Give it to me. I'll sign it.
I can fake Frank's signature.
Ian
So can I.
School says that he has to sign it in person.
Ian
Well, you know where Frank is?
Living with some lady up in Glencoe. He drives a Rolls Royce.
Ian
Oh, good for him. Anyone want to go with me?
LILip, Ian and Mickey
No.
Ian
Nope. Groom.
Ian
No. Also a groom.
Who's wearing the white tux?
Ian
Mickey.
Ian
Yes.
Gonna be a stressful day.
Ian
Got it.
Ian
Yeah.
Frank walking you down the aisle?
Ian
Grooms, remember?
Ian
God, I hope not.
Ian
Great. I hope he stays there.
Hey. I gotta go out for a bit. You take your meds yet? It's gonna be a stressful day.
Ian
Yes. First thing.
All right. Hey, we gotta meet at the Bamboo Lotus at two for photos.
Ian
Okay. Got it.
Hey, how much did these tuxes cost?
Ian
Um, Mickey rented them at some fancy place downtown.
Where's Mickey getting all the money for this?
Ian
Savings, he says.
FMFlashback Mickey
[Bursts into a room full of underwear-clad women in a drug operation] On the floor, mοthеrfսckеr!
Ian
I don't really wanna know.
Father Pete marrying you?
Ian
Father Pete's Catholic. Pope won't let him marry gay people.
But Father Pete's gay. Lives in the rectory with the organist with the nipple ring.
Wait. The organist at Saint Sebastian's got a nipple ring?
Ian
Reverend Sally's doing the ceremony. She's Episcopalian. They'll marry anybody.
[Referring to shoes Liam is holding] Yeah, those are nice, right?
Mm-hmm. [Mickey and Ian kiss]
No, sweetie. Hey, the wedding isn't till this afternoon, okay?
She wants to wear her flower girl dress again.
Why the hell not? She's only gonna wear it once.
[Chuckles] Okay, sweetie. Go on.
Uh, so... about last night.
Mm. [Sirens wailing distantly] Yeah. [Both chuckles] Cool. So... We gotta be at the Bamboo at nine for the flower delivery. And then the caterers are delivering the chairs and shit at ten.
So... You think your uncle's serious about shooting Mickey?
Serious as a heart attack. But he probably won't do it at the wedding. Too many witnesses. [Answers phone] He'll wait till Mickey's alone somewhere or walking to the L or... Holy sh- shit.
The Bamboo Lotus! It's on fire! Dude, it's on fսcking fire!
Ian
Fսck is going on?! Debs.
[Bursts out front door with Debbie, Ian, Mickey and Carl observing into smoke billowing in distance] Oh... fսck.
What the hell's going on?
Ian
Terry.
Ian
S***.
Ian
[Following Mickey is walking out of house with shotgun] Mickey!
Terry Milkovich! You fսcking pig fսckеr!
Ian
Mickey!
I'm coming for you, you son of a bitch! What the fսck, Sandy?!
Give me the fսck¡ng gun, Mick! [Mickey fires off a shot that shatters van rear window]
Ian
Oh, shit. Ow! Shit!
Ian
Get the cuffs. You done? No! You gonna make me hit you again?
Ian
Now are you done?
Ian
Hey, hey, hey, birthday Franny. Hey, look what I got you from work. They let us keep stuff if it's past its expiration date. There's so much stuff that just gets thrown away into a dumpster.
Oh, great job, man. Free old cereal.
Ian
[Carl comes in door] 5-0!
Hey, I'm unarmed! Don't shoot!
Ha, ha, ha, very funny, assholes. Now, if you'll excuse me, Imma go load these bad boys up with armor-piercing rounds so I can keep the mean streets safe for fuck-heads like you guys. Watch out, Chicago! You're going down!
[Ian and Mickey are making love with Ian on top]
Ian
Take it, you dirty convict.
Thought you weren't gonna fuck me until I got a real job, huh?
Ian
Oh, I got my eyes closed, pretending you're a Jonas Brother.
Ian
Uh, Joe.
Fuck you. I'm totally Nick.
Ian
[Mickey pushes Ian off him] What the...
[Gets on top of Ian] Call me Nick, you Jonas-loving slut.
Ian
Whoa, hey. The fuck you doing?
I'm gonna get you pregnant.
Ian
Come on. This isn't how we do it.
Well, it's not how we normally do it. Been watching a lot of prison porn. Kinda feel like making you my bitch.
Ian
I'm not your bitch.
Well, when I bottom, I power bottom, so even then, you're totally my bitch.
Ian
And we're done.
Ian
Where you goin'?
Ian
To whack off in the shower.
Hey, look. Our new neighbors came to welcome us, even my pansy former son and his stink-dick boyfriend.
I guess the city must've made good on their threat to condemn our old house. That or the meth lab caught fire again.
Well, what are they doing here, though?
Terry's been banging the lady who owns this place for a couple of years. Calls it his plan B.
Ian
Mrs. McCurdy? She's, like, 90.
Gotta do what you gotta do, man.
That's the stench of abject poverty, son.
Actually, I think it might be those chickens.
Oh, no, those ain't chickens. Those are cocks. Like, for cockfighting?
They like it. If they don't die. It's natural for 'em. You know, it's fun.
We have to move. I don't wanna be the reason for the next Black Lives Matter march. I'll get Trayvon Martin-ed for sure if we stay here.
Ian
[A man is randomly firing off a kalashnikov assault rifle] Jesus!
Ian
Why's he shooting random shit?
[Laughs] Aw... He's playing "I Spy, You shoot."
Ian
"I Spy, You shoot"?
It's a kids' game. Yeah, kid says, "I spy with my little eye that red stop sign," or whatever, and then the adult... shoot the stop sign. Get off your fucking high horses. Anybody here feel like they're the product of good parenting, raise your hand.
Okay, I don't have time for this shit. I gotta get Franny ready. Where is Franny?
Fuck it, just dump the used motor oil in the yard.
[Goes down stairs to Ian eating cereal watching Harley Quinn on TV] Hey, what you doin' today?
TJTV Joker
"It's me, dickhead," or just "me, dickhead"?
Ian
I'm just trying to find the strength to get off the couch and search for another minimum-wage, dead-end, soul-crushing job to appease my parole officer.
Yeah, well... what if I offer you a job?
Ian
As what, getaway car driver?
Come on, weed money security for the Alibi. It's your lucky day, bitch. Come on.
Ian
Yeah, thanks but no, thanks.
Ian
I'm not doing anything illegal.
Weed's legal now. Look, stop eating your weight in Froot Loops. Go get dressed. Go on.
Ian
I don't think it's a good idea for us to work together.
Oh. Oh, oh. Well, let's get this shit straight, then, 'cause it's not "workin' together." You're workin' for me, all right? I'm the boss.
Ian
No, thanks.
Shameless · 903 quotes
