[Clutching side] I'm not feeling so good. Think I'm coming down with something.
Buddy, it's not happening. You're going to school. Go.
It's a waste of time. I'm not learning anything. Can you just homeschool me?
[To Xan] No coffee. Milk or juice.
All the famous people are homeschooled- Leonardo da Vinci, Abe Lincoln, Justin Bieber.
I don't see you painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anytime soon, Biebs. Go.
...
Hey, Carl, how much longer those dogs gonna be dying down there?
CarlIt's in God's hands now.
Well, tell God to hurry the fuck up, all right? The whole house stinks.
Carl
I'm providing an essential service to below-the-poverty-line animal lovers while racking up on community service hours for my West Point application. It's a win-win.
Hey. Military service is for losers.
Carl
Spoken like a true patriot. And I'll be proud to protect your Constitutional right to be an asshole, Frank. What's with the outfit?
Got to hit the stump with Mo. Tomorrow's election day. We're fighting for the under-represented Caucasian male.
I think you're on the wrong side of history on this one.
Oh, I know Mo probably isn't gonna win.
But democracy's about fighting for what you believe is right. And rounding up as much campaign contribution cash as possible. Mo isn't taking money from lobbyists and corporate elites. Only small donations from the local citizenry.
'Cause nobody with any sense would want to support a pedophile.
Au contraire, fruit of my loins. No less a luminary than the president of these United States supported a candidate of questionable sexual history in regard to the chasing of underage tail.
Carl
How much you getting paid, Frank?
I take a small stipend, as is the custom for campaign managers.
Might not want to wear that shirt out of the house, Frank.
Oh. Sure they wouldn't have been better off if you'd just gassed them like you were supposed to?
Carl
I couldn't bring myself to do it.
How are you gonna order men to kill the enemy if you can't put down a couple of old dogs?
Carl
What?
That's what officers do- order men to kill. What'd you think they were gonna teach you at West Point, marching cadences?
Carl
Is that what Gay Jesus would do?
What, kill old dogs? Hell, no. Gay Jesus is all about inclusion and grace, but you're not looking to get into Heaven. You want to lead lean, mean murdering machines. Can't kill a couple of old dogs, might be about time to start considering... teaching kindergarten? Nursing school?
[Carl answers the front door]
BBryan
You Carl Gallagher?
Carl
Yeah. [Bryan punches Carl in the nose] What the fuck?!
BBryan
You took my recommendation to West Point. Congressman Ubberman promised it to me, and you stole it.
Carl
I think you broke my nose!
BBryan
Now my dad says I got to enlist in the Marines.
Carl
And that's my problem how?! What the fuck?! Stop hitting me!
BBryan
I'll fight you for it. A duel, to the death if necessary. I challenged you. You pick the weapons. Fists and feet, guns, knives, bats, bricks...
Carl
What the fuck is a duel?
BBryan
Duty, country, honor-- it's the West Point way. Meet at Damen Silos, tomorrow at dusk. The person still breathing gets the recommendation.
Carl
You choose.
BBryan
We count off 20 paces, turn, and shoot.
Carl
Okay. [They cock their guns]
BBryan
Uh, back to back. Saw it in a movie.
[Carl and Bryan both count to twenty and Bryan shoots himself in the leg near the knee]
Carl
What the hell did you do that for?!
BBryan
I don't want to go to West Point!
Carl
Fucking kid--
BBryan
It's my dad! [He screams] I want to go to Sarah Lawrence and be a poet.
Carl
What?
BBryan
[Gasping] Hey, hey, hey... Oh, I'm a--I'm a cripple now. I don't have to go into the military.
Carl
Yeah, I don't know if it works like that. It's a flesh wound. Probably heal up pretty quick.
BBryan
Shit! Shit! Shoot me.
Carl
What?!
BBryan
Yeah, through the bone. All right, I'll have a limp. Great poets have limps.
Carl
No fucking way.
BBryan
"I wander, lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vale and hills, when all at once, I see a crowd, a host, of golden daffodils..."
Carl
Jesus, knock off that golden daffodils shit.
BBryan
"Besides the lake beneath the trees, fluttering, dancing in the breeze, continuous as the stars that shine and twinkle in the..." [Carl shoots Bryan deep in the leg near his crotch] Oh! Fuck! Fuck! Thank you. [Gasping with Carl standing over him with a look of schadenfreudesque pleasure] Ah! Oh! Ah! Oh, one was enough. I'm good. [Carl walks away] Ah, hey. Hey, thanks, man. Dude, kill it at West Point!
Carl
[before flashback scenes] No, absolutely not. We're not gonna be showing you a recap of last week because you were too busy. Get the hell out of here. All right, all right, stop your whining. Fine, here you go.
How do you listen to this crap?
This is indie folk country.
It's like if a bad hipster band smacked into a truck of cows.
Well, switch it if you want.
[Tooling on a tablet] Isn't your code your birthday?
Put it in the American why or the right way?
There. Irish, even. Little on the nose.
You know, U2 is the band most made love to in all of Ireland.
Oh, well, you're in America now, bitch.
Carl
Easy answer, yes, but Kev made me sign some form that I wouldn't fuck anyone who's too drunk to provide consent.
Carl
He's the Vagina Safe guy.
Tell Kev I can keep my own vagina safe.
...
[Carl wakes up with Kelly on top of him]
Carl
My phone?!
Did you film yourself fucking me while I was passed out?!
Carl
I filmed myself not fucking you as proof!
Carl
Not fucking you!
You lying piece of shit! [Carl shove her off him]
Why didn't you just leave me here?
Carl
I didn't want you to choke on your own puke.
[Kelly kicks out Carl's leg and he falls down]
You're just like those rich pricks downstairs who think girls are their personal fuck toys. Your clip-on tie is gonna hurt way worse than a real one when I shove it 12...! [Carl knocks her down and runs out the room]
Hey. What you doing up there?
Putting away my stuff till I get back. Hand me those bags.
You decide what you want to do today yet? I could call in sick from work.
Well, I don't think I want to do anything.
Ah, come on, we got to do something. It's your last day of freedom.
Nah, I think I just want to hang at the house. You heading into the shop today?
I got a job as a sober companion for the next couple hours. Hey, uh, how about we ride the El up to Wrigley when I get back? Beat the shit out of some Cubs fans?
Yeah, I don't need more time added to my sentence. What's a sober companion?
I'm babysitting some rich lush, making sure they don't drink.
Anybody who can't stop drinking on his own is a pussy.
We could take you to a gay bar and get you laid.
Pretty sure I'll get laid a lot in prison.
Carl
Yo, what are we doing today? My new lady and I are supposed to go work out, but I could cancel it.
He doesn't want to do anything.
Carl
What? You don't want to steal a car, or drop bowling balls off a freeway?
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one. So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right?
Carl
Enough with these Carl stories.
[To Carl] Hey, let me get that.
Carl
No way. I want more.
Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison. Mm, this is amazing.
I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.
I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up. [They laugh]
All right, so he's five or six years old--
Wait- wait- wait, is this the penis or the cat story?
Carl
Shit.
And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.
But he called it his... [With Ian] Bubble gum.
Carl
Yeah. 'Cause it looks like bubble gum.
Carl
Yeah. Yep.
Is that what that scar is?
Carl
Uh-huh.
Well, and why the hell'd you do that?
Carl
I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.
Carl
See? I'm a genius. Yeah, you're a genius.
Carl
It smelled like pee.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.
Nice. Hey, what's going on, Deb?
[Grabs White Castle bag] Ooh. Yes.
Carl
Was it?
Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.
Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.
And nominated for three Golden Globes and a People's Choice Award.
Carl
You're famous. You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh?
Kelly: Hey.
Kelly: Say the line.
KLKelly and Lip
come on...
[Turns head dramatically] Face it. You're gorgeous.
Ian: Wow!
[Clapping hands] Whoo, whoo!
Kelly: Nice.
Ian: Okay, now the Carl cat story. Debs, you take this one.
Carl
Shit.
So there's a loophole for West Point. It's there in the fine print. If your academics are not up to snuff, you can submit a personal statement explaining that you've had hardships in the classroom or at home.
Carl
Kelly, I'm tired.
Okay, what's been difficult about your life? Just ballpark. Was growing up on the South Side rough?
Carl
No, it's awesome here.
Come on, Carl, try. I want you to get in.
Carl
Why?
Because I want my boyfriend to be West Point, Cadet.
Carl
Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Gross.
Yes. So this is called the Adverse Childhood Experience Study. All you have to do is answer yes or no, and you get a point for every fucked-up thing that you've lived through.
Carl
Okay.
Before your 18th birthday, did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?
Carl
Yes.
Carl
All four.
That's four points, Carl. Finally, a test he does well on. Uh, before your 18th birthday, did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker, alcoholic, or used street drugs?
Carl
Yes. Also, I abused and sold street drugs myself.
Wow. Okay, great. That's two points. Uh, before your 18th birthday, was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or death?
Carl
Yeah, all three.
Carl, you've had tremendous hardships! We- we can write the shit out of this personal essay! They're gonna beg you to go to West Point.
Carl
Oh, and I also microwaved a bunny once too.
Hi, Carl! Hi, Liam! [To Kelly] Hi, stranger! Oh! Stranger danger!
Carl
You've met her before. This is Kelly. What the hell are you doing?
I'm throwing myself a little welcome-home party.
Carl
Wait, you're moving back in? She's back?
[Trying to shove an oversized roast still in its plastic wrapping] Try to get this fucking beef in the oven. You gotta get in there, beef! Get in there. [Kicks it] Oh, God. Just... gah.
Hey, could I talk to you upstairs? I'll be right back.
Carl
All right, what do you want, Frank?
Kelly seems nice. A little sad.
Carl
Yeah, well, she's not sad.
No, no, no, no, no, no. I recognize that vacant stare. I've known a lot of women, Carl. And that woman is not getting what she wants in bed.
Carl
Shut up, Frank.
You know what it is. She wants sex. Ten times a day. Not fucking snack time. Act like a Gallagher, for the love of God.
Carl
Okay, I can have sex anytime, anywhere.
Oh, bullshit. I got 20 bucks that says you can't go in that bathroom...
Carl
That's a hundred.
Holy crap. Well, 20 of it says you can't go in that bathroom right now and rub one out in under three minutes. I'm trying to help you. If that woman downstairs yells, "Jump," you better answer, "How hard?"
Carl
Make it a hundred.
No. The bet's 20. No, wait. Fine. Fine. Fine. Okay. Fine. It's all right. Jesus Christ. A hundred.
Carl
[Frank hands him cup] What the fuck is that?
I gotta have proof. You want me to come in there with you and watch? Under three minutes. No lube, no saliva.
Carl
[Takes cup] No problem.
Hey, Carl. Remember the time we walked in on Aunt Ginger and saw her tits?
Carl
Hey, Frank. Shut the fuck up.
Were they something? Been watching this thing on the, uh, nature channel about hippopotamuses, their balls... All right, all right. That's just cheating. Their dicks are about two feet long. Sorta pink. Slimy pink things. Big bulbous head on it.
[Poking head out bedroom window to peer down on Carl below] What are you doing here?!
Carl
I've been waiting in the tent all night!
But you should have been working on your hardship essay for West Point!
Carl
I've had to jerk off twice! I can't write about that to West Point!
My dad found out that I've been skipping softball camp to hang out with you! He'll kill you if he finds you here!
Carl
He only has one working limb! That doesn't scare me! [Carl realizes someone is holding a gun to his head]
MKMajor Keefe
It only takes one limb to pull a trigger, son. Get inside.
MKMajor Keefe
[On phone with Kelly] Get your ass home right now, young lady, or I'm taking your truck keys...
Carl
[Debbie comes in house with contractor equipment] What are you doing?
Making this house cost-efficient. Adding insulation to the attic, welding leaking pipes, adding timers to light switches.
MKMajor Keefe
Where are you?
MKMajor Keefe
Then where are you, and when are you coming home?
My whereabouts are confidential.
MKMajor Keefe
Not from your father, they're not.
I'll let you know when the information gets declassified.
MKMajor Keefe
That's it. That's the last...
[Stifling laughter] God, if I knew pissing off my dad would be this much fun, I would've started years ago. Um... I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore.
Carl
Um, why?
Uh, because... you're not... hot enough.
Carl
I'm not "hot enough"?
Carl
For you?
Carl
[Answers phone] Hello, sir?
MKMajor Keefe
We had a deal, Gallagher.
Carl
Uh, now's really not a good time.
[Grabs Carl's phone] Uh... Sorry, Carl Gallagher's phone is out of service. He'll call you back never. [Throws phone on floor]
Carl
What the fuck? Why you always got to be throwing my phone like that? [Kelly gets Carl in an armlock on couch] Ow, ow, ow!
Carl
Nothing.
Bullshit! A spot at West Point?
Carl
No. We... then why are you breaking up with me?
I don't want to mess your future up. Your run times have been up, your test scores have been down ever since you met me. I don't want to screw up your shit to Annapolis.
Carl
What if I don't want to go to Annapolis? What if I'm sick of working so hard? What if... I just want to stay here and eat Fritos with your family and watch TV and enjoy life for once?
[Comes in door] Getting your ass kicked by a girl again, Carl?
Why are you walking like that?
Just being a superhero in a five-K. He was wearing a 60 pound duffel and combat boots, so... I'm not sure it was that impressive.
Carl
[Standing outside Captain Bob's dressed as a pirate promoting popcorn shrimp] Aye, matey! Popcorn shrimp is back.
LLLi'l Shins
[Pulls up alongside Carl in black SUV] Oh, my God. Check this out. Gallagher? Shit.
Carl
What's up, Little Shins?
LLLi'l Shins
What, you out here selling?
Carl
Just popcorn shrimp.
LLLi'l Shins
'Cause we took over this corner. I don't like no competition.
Carl
Hey, you won't have any from me.
LLLi'l Shins
So how do I know this whole gay pirate shit ain't some front?
Carl
I've been out of the business for years. I'm just working at Captain Bob's now.
LLLi'l Shins
I got trust issues, man. What can I say? I'm gonna have to shake your Johnny Depp-looking ass down, make sure you ain't got no stash. [Li'l Shins and thugs all get out of SUV]
Carl
[Running from Li'l Shins thugs] Yo, I swear to you, I don't!
LLLi'l Shins
[He and thugs catch up to Carl, grab him, hoist him upside down] Shake him!
Carl
Fuck! They're just shrimp! Come on, put me down, fuck! Watch the hat!
[Carl is hanging with K.J., Emiliano and Stump outside the Captain Bob's outlet on smoke break while perusing phone]
KJK.J.
Ahoy, mateys. Break's over. Come on.
Carl
Hey, yo, can I ask you guys something real quick?
Carl
[Showing phone picture of Debbie and Kelly with backyard hose] What do you think this picture's of?
EEmiliano
It's easy. It's hot, is what it is.
KJK.J.
Two fucking hot lesbians being fucking hot.
EEmiliano
Yeah, lesbian porn.
Carl
Yo, that's my sister and my girlfriend.
KJK.J.
Which one's your sister?
KKJ
Uh, she's macking on your girl, huh?
Shameless · 903 quotes
