Do you want to split another with me, or you want your own when you're back?
Split with you. [To Carl] Be right back, fry guy. I'm so proud of you. [Kisses him on cheek]
CarlThe fuck you think you're doing?!
Putting peanut butter on a Ritz.
Carl
No, with Kelly. Why you trying to get with her?
Carl
Stop fronting.
I'm not fronting. Her and I just get along good.
Carl
Aren't I supposed to get along well with my brother's girlfriend if she's awesome?
No, she's my awesome, not your awesome.
Carl
She's not a lesbian, dumb-ass.
Exactly. She's not gay. Although she is the kind of girl who could come out later in life. I'm not getting total gay vibes, but it's inconclusive, so... I'd say yeah, she'll probably eventually end up gay.
Carl
Just knock it off. I mean it.
There's nothing going on between me and your girlfriend. Keep your blouse on, Carl.
Where's my Buccaneer Biscuits at? [Claps hand]
KJK.J.
Going as fast as I can, Lori!
[To Carl] Buccaneer Biscuits selling like crazy. Adding fried clams to the bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit was a great idea.
Carl
Yeah? Thanks.
Just a fry guy with big ideas who wants to serve his country. You ever read The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell?
Carl
Uh, no.
Buccaneer Biscuits, tipping point. Trust me, you're gonna go places.
KJK.J.
I sell weed out the back.
I know you do, KJ, and I appreciate your desire for a better life. But Carl here, he's helping us sell shit inside the store, okay? [Pats K.J.'s back and follows Carl] You know, they used to call this place Mr. Bob's. They started calling it Captain Bob's when they added seafood to the menu. Now it's all seafood. That man's a goddamn visionary.
Carl
Can I take my break now?
Sure, you can, rock star. Be back in ten, okay?
[Going through box] Whose porn is this?
Carl
It's mine. Giving it to KJ now.
Oh, why you getting rid of your porn, tater tot?
Carl
Just the girl-on-girl stuff. Kinda makes me sad.
[Going through DVDs] Yeah. Seen it. Seen it. In it.
TMr. Tamietti
Uh, hi, Mr. Tamietti. You and I need to talk, son.
TMr. Tamietti
Tami's having this baby, and I need to know what your plan is.
Uh, she's... she's keeping the baby? I mean, she seemed undecided the last that we, uh...
TMr. Tamietti
Oh, yeah. She's keeping the baby. That's not open for discussion.
No, no, sir. I just mean, um, last time we talked, she- she seemed unclear about what she wanted to do.
TMr. Tamietti
Oh, it's clear. She's having the baby.
[Debbie, Carl and Kelly burst in front door carrying Frank]
Good God. Almost there. A little help here!
Okay, okay, okay. Put me down. Put me down, no more. Down there!
Carl
He busted his leg.
Is that bone? What the fuck?! Why didn't you call an ambulance?
Carl
He wouldn't let us!
Mollies... A few personal items... And acid.
Is that why you didn't want to call an ambulance?
TMr. Tamietti
Uh, who the hell is that?
TMr. Tamietti
Why doesn't he want an ambulance?
Because the paramedics would've emptied his pockets, found the drugs, and called the cops.
Carl
Uh, you know, Mr. Tamietti, why don't we go get a cup of coffee or something, yeah? [Leads Mr. Tamietti away]
I had an opportunity to invest some of my Ingrid severance money, and I took it.
If you're done hiding your stash, can I call 911?
Not until my associates come and we complete our transaction.
Carl
I gotta go to work.
I think so. I didn't tuck him in or anything.
Carl
Here's your bedpan back. Don't use it again till someone else can get it.
Hey. Catch a meeting later? I think I'm gonna do an Al-Anon meeting again today.
All right, well, let us know if you think it's worthwhile.
We could turn it into a fun-filled activity for the whole family. [Goes out side door]
Carl
Morning. I'm not late, am I?
Carl
Who's here?
The Captain. He wants to meet you.
Carl
Captain Bob? I thought he was made-up, like Colonel Sanders.
Colonel Sanders was real.
Carl
He was?
Follow me. Sir. Ensign Gallagher. Best fryer mate I ever had.
BBob
Pleasure to meet you, Carl. Have a seat. You want a root beer float?
BBob
Lori, bring our little white panther here a root beer float.
BBob
You want some popcorn shrimp? Lori, popcorn shrimp, too. I eat a basket every location I visit, Carl. Quality control is the name of the shrimp game. Look at that. Nicely battered, properly crisp. Mm, mm, mm. You really saved my ass the other day, son. Once word get out you can rob a franchise, the sharks descend. Give much thought to your future, Carl?
Carl
Um, well...
BBob
Look, I know a young man like you, it's hard to see yourself down the road, but Captain Bob's is growing. Carl, you own a Winnebago?
Carl
No.
BBob
I do. A Grand Tour. You got a lake house? Mm... I do. Ski boat? Two brand-new Cadillacs? You take a two-week vacation every year down to the Alabama coast?
Carl
No, sir.
BBob
No, you're damn straight you don't, but you will, Carl, if you make the right choice today. I got a store in East Garfield Park, and it's been robbed six times this month. You can start tomorrow, Assistant Manager. bucks a week. In a year, you could be manager. Hell, in ten years, you could even own your own franchise.
Carl
Huh?
BBob
The sky's the limit, son. Carl, play your cards right, you could even end up with your own Winnebago. [Laughs]
[Calls outside bedroom door waking Frank, Mikey and Carl] Asses up if you want coffee!
Carl
[Groans] You start bonin' dudes while I was away at school?
Occasionally, if the mood strikes.
Carl
I was talkin' to Frank.
Can't two grown men share a bed together without it being sеxual?
Carl
No. [Answers phone] Go for Carl. Yeah, yeah, it's still available. All right. I'll send you the address.
Stinky, dirty, wet! [Dumps laundry on floor] Wash your own shit! You both owe me rent money.
Thirty-seven bucks a night, plus five if you'll be showering.
Carl
I'm selling my military gear to get some cash.
Electricity, gas, and water for the month is 48 bucks. Let me know if you'll be eating here. I have various meal plans available.
You don't need to pay rent, Frank. You're the patriarch of this family.
Carl
He is? ( scoffs )
I'm keeping the coffee warm for ten minutes. Then I'm dumping it.
[Scoffs] Little Red Riding twɑt needs to understand who's boss around here.
Carl
[Walks into Liam's bedroom playing a bluesy rendition of the national anthem and turns off stereo]
Carl
What's going on?
Trying to figure out who I am, what's my identity... Dr. King, Dr. Dre?
Carl
[Laughs] Maybe you should set your sights lower, you know, like Tyga, Nelly, or maybe one of the Wayans brothers. Or Lester Holt.
Carl
Who's asking?
BBuyer
I answered an ad on Craigslist. Lookin' to buy some military gear.
Carl
It's all right here.
BBuyer
Cool. You take 75?
Carl
Ad said 100.
BBuyer
[Sighs] I figured I'd try.
Carl
Figured I'd walk away.
BBuyer
Wait, no, no, no. Here, here. It's fine. Hundred bucks. It's all there. I promise. I'm starting ROTC in the fall. I gotta train this summer.
Carl
Mm. So what got you interested in becoming an officer? Went down to the recruiting offices, played them shoot-'em-up video games?
BBuyer
[Chuckles] Something like that. Can I have the bag?
Carl
What, the recruiters make you think you're gonna become this officer, big war hero, leading men into battle?
BBuyer
I don't know. Maybe. I guess.
Carl
They tell you that you could be one of the very few, make a difference, that you could do something your life, change your destiny? Hey, might even become a general one day.
BBuyer
My mom's gonna start worrying if I don't get home soon.
Carl
You know that's a bunch of horseshit. They don't want guys like us to enlist as officers... You know, guys from the South Side, guys who aren't very smart, kinda slow. They're just trying to fill their quota, getting us hooked on the thrill of the kill. Then they spit us out when we can't handle quantum physics or even read.
Carl
And then they leave us on the side of the road with the taste of blood in our mouths, and what do we do? We enlist as grunts. And while they get all the medals and cushy postings up in Japan and Germany, where are we, poor boys from disadvantaged backgrounds like you and me? Somalia, Fallujah, that's where. And then when we finally get sent home, it's in a body bag. Not me. Not Carl Gallagher. No, thank you. I ain't no one's human shield.
BBuyer
Can I just have my money back if you're not gonna sell me the shit? [Carl throws backpack at buyer's chest]
[Carl walks up to her in parking lot oblivious to long line outside restaurant] I mean, take your time. Business meetings can start late. That's professional.
Carl
I'm sorry. I got held up at the ATM. You know, I couldn't get my breakfast sandwich. My morning's all fսckеd, and I'm hangry-
Shut up and check out that line, son. [Carl glances] All asking for tartar sauce. Drove up new business. I underestimated you. You have game.
Carl
It was easy. Middle school was having a field day. You know, three-legged-races, egg toss shit. You know, it was like taking candy from a baby. Well, here's your cut, partner. Thank you, partner.
Yo! I got a line forming in here that's longer than my grandma's tіts! Clock in, pirates!
Carl
Sorry, Lori. Yes, master.
Have fun deep-frying sh¡t in trans fats.
Carl
Oh, I will. Jealous?
Carl
Hi. I'm taking up a collection to place fresh flowers on great Aunt Addie's grave. Would you like to make a contribution?
...
MMaVar
Hey, wait up. Hey, man, I saw what you did back there. Collecting money for fresh flowers? I want you to know I respect that a lot. You know, I know a good florist who can get us a bunch of flowers for a good price.
MMaVar
What? Why would you do that?
MMaVar
So do the people who gave it to you. You lied to them. Look, I- I been nothing but nice to you. Welcomed you with open arms. Don't you get it? We're family. But it's like the nicer I am to you, the nastier you get Why?
MMaVar
You don't know. What, you gonna tell me you can't help it? It's in your nature or some bullshit like that? No. I can't believe I wasted a single second on you. I believed in you. You're part of our family, and because of that, we would do anything for you anything. And you just spit in our faces. Don't you get it? Family is everything! And you finally get the chance to have one, and you just throw it all away. Well, you know what, Liam? Fuck you! [Walks away]
[Jabs index finger pointing] There it is. I knew it. You are from the South Side.
MMaVar
[Softly laughs and walks back] You think I like saying stuff like that? I don't curse. I hate saying things like that. Oh, well. I hate Gallaghers, man. You motherfuckers bring out the worst in everybody. What, you proud of that?
Hey, man, I know who I am.
Has anyone seen my breast pump? This baby refuses to eat! God, my boobs are gonna explode.
[Showing phone] And this is me at target practice. I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and- Uh, are you listening to me?
Carl
[Looks over to Anne] Yeah, uh-huh.
Carl
Who, Anne?
Uh-huh. She's just a friend from work. He shit again. Why is Anne here?
Carl
'Cause we're hiding her from ICE. Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas. And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.
Democrat? [Laughs and starts to embrace Carl] You're so funny, Carl!
[Speaks Spanish] My God, it's hot with the stove going.
Can Amalia still watch Franny today?
Anne: Yep.
Cool. [Tami throws a soiled diaper into trashcan and all exclaim]
Oh, grow up, you guys. We all poop.
Yeah, we don't all change our shit-filled underwear in the kitchen.
I've done it. It's closer to the washing machine. Just drop that dirty sucker in there. One of ya hits wash eventually.
Carl
Hey, what's with the backpack?
It's for carrying things, genius.
It's Franny's. If I find any sеx or drսg paraphernalia in there, I'll kill you in your sleep, Frank.
Carl
You mad at me or something?
No. Mad at myself for crushing on you.
Carl
You have a crush on me?
Calmate, (Take it easy) past tense)).
Carl
Why?
Carl
Yeah, but having Kelly around just made me realize how much I like you. We're keeping it strictly business from now on. And we gotta get out of your house.
You were only being nice to us so you could get in my pants.
Carl
Where will you go?
Carl
Our block is still crawling with ICE dudes. Sent a couple tios (uncles) over there to check it out, and they got picked up. Might have to live on the streets for a little bit.
Carl
Like, be homeless? Anne, come on. We'll be fine.
MMan
He says we can't sell here no more. Okay?
TThug
[Speaks Spanish] This is our corner. Other tamale business must stop immediately. I'm asking nicely for now, but next time it'll be alot less friendly.
[Speaks Spanish] This is our corner. So I think you better go back to whatever rodeo you escaped from before you piss me off for real. [In English] Okay? [Thug's other compadres show up and demolish the tamale stand]
Carl
Come on, tactical retreat. Live to fight another day.
EEster
Oh, thank goodness you're here.
Carl
I know you?
EEster
No. This bus stop is so dark. Yeah, a couple of streetlights are out. Have been ever since my Emeril was still alive.
Carl
Really?
EEster
Hmm. He passed in 2002. Oh. I'm Ester.
Carl
Carl. I'm not usually out this late. Was celebrating my birthday.
EEster
My sister got me this.
Carl
Oh, wow. That's really nice.
EEster
[Chuckles] I'm 75 years young today.
Carl
Holy shit! Oh, I'm sorry.
EEster
Oh, don't worry. I can swear with the best of them too.
Carl
[Bus stops by] Oh, you need a hand?
EEster
This isn't my bus. I'm a number 15.
Carl
Oh. You go. Sure?
EEster
Get the fսck out of here! [Both laughs] See? What'd I tell you? Nice to meet you, Carl. Take care.
Carl
Stop the bus! That woman's getting robbed! Ester!
BDBus driver
Not a chance. Call 911 if you want.
Carl
Come on, stop the bus!
Carl
[Gunfire erupts] Hey, let me out! Open the doors! Oh, hey! Come on!
WRWoman rider
Sit down. Come on!
Bus driver': I ain't stopping, man. I have a schedule to keep.
Carl
Ester...
Shameless · 903 quotes
