So there's a loophole for West Point. It's there in the fine print. If your academics are not up to snuff, you can submit a personal statement explaining that you've had hardships in the classroom or at home.
Kelly, I'm tired.
Okay, what's been difficult about your life? Just ballpark. Was growing up on the South Side rough?
No, it's awesome here.
Come on, Carl, try. I want you to get in.
Why?
Because I want my boyfriend to be West Point, Cadet.
Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Gross.
Yes. So this is called the Adverse Childhood Experience Study. All you have to do is answer yes or no, and you get a point for every fucked-up thing that you've lived through.
Okay.
Before your 18th birthday, did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?
Yes.
Oh, which one?
All four.
That's four points, Carl. Finally, a test he does well on. Uh, before your 18th birthday, did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker, alcoholic, or used street drugs?
Yes. Also, I abused and sold street drugs myself.
Wow. Okay, great. That's two points. Uh, before your 18th birthday, was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or death?
Yeah, all three.
Carl, you've had tremendous hardships! We- we can write the shit out of this personal essay! They're gonna beg you to go to West Point.
Oh, and I also microwaved a bunny once too.
Excellent.
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