[Carl is riding the Chicago El and following a man with a briefcase at a station who leaves it and Carl intercepts it, opening it in an alleyway]
CarlFuckin' A.
KSKassidi's father
[Appears behind Carl] Where is she?!
Carl
Who's she?!
KSKassidi's father
Don't "who" me, you little shit! Kassidi! My daughter, where is she?!
Carl
Uh, I can't disclose that to you, sir. I promised her.
KSKassidi's father
How old are you kid, 15?
Carl
Sixteen.
KSKassidi's father
Well, maybe you don't know this about the world yet, but girls like Kassidi, this is what they do. You have no idea how many times I've done this ransom bullshit thing. My daughter's a Venus flytrap. Lures you in, and snap, eats you slowly over time. Just like her mother. And you're on the menu. Now tell me where she is.
Carl
No can do.
KSKassidi's father
Tell Kassidi it's Tiffani's 12th birthday on Friday, and her mother wants her at the club. In the same blue Chanel dress she ran off in last Friday. Make sure she gets it dry-cleaned.
[Ian and Lip are in kitchen with Carl, Debbie, Liam and Kassidi]
[Appears from front door] Hey, can you believe that this guy today told me I was complicated?
ILIan, Lip, Carl, Debbie and Liam
Yes.
Well, you married that guy after, like, a week.
Carl
And you cheated on him with your car thief ex-boyfriend.
Who had several different names.
Almost married a heroin addict.
Hid my meth inside our dead mother's casket.
Didn't you also get fired from a job for fucking your boss' brother?
Testified against me to the military, fired me, stole my church.
Okay, I get it. I'm complicated. I'm gonna go walk my dog now. Well, I can keep going. Fuck you guys. At least Rusty loves me. [Leaves out backdoor]
Carl
Fiona, your dog's been barking all fuckin' night.
Wasn't Rusty. He was with me at the apartment.
This is where we first made ramen noodles together.
What's with the... documentary?
Oh, I'm making a video scrapbook for my boo before he goes AWOL on me.
Carl
Kassidi's having some separation anxiety with me leaving to go back to the academy in a couple weeks. She wants to make sure I remember the goods I got back at home.
This is where you first went down on me.
Carl
She's crazy about me.
Oh, place is turning into the fuckin' Super 8.
Yeah, that's why I've been sleeping at my building.
What, you haven't rented that apartment yet?
No, I will. Just... too many folks crashing here right now.
That's Toto. He's tied up outside.
Belongs to the hipster couple up the street. Got a job dog sitting.
Carl
Like 101 Dalmatians up in here.
Yeah, Toto sounds pissed, Debs.
Yeah, he gets barky sometimes. I can't figure out why. But they pay 40 bucks a day, and I need money for welding school tuition.
You and, uh, Trev boning again?
Definitely turning a corner.
Everybody's boning somebody but me?
Carl
We don't call it boning.
Duran and I call it "besties with benefits."
[Scoffs] I hope you're all double-bagging. This place is already too crowded.
[Ian is speaking to his fans all gathered in the family room]
It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
GJGay Jesus fans
[In unison] That's right. That's right.
We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...
[Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]
"Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.
Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.
[Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?
Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.
We all have the Trinity inside of us...
...
Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
MMurph
I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
No, it's just 'cause of that video.
MMurph
No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
MMurph
Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]
Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.
So why not quit if you hate it so much?
I don't. Just... trying to manage it.
Carl
[Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.
Carl
I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.
Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
[Carl finds his clothes cut up, strewn along the house side walkway and walks up to Kassidi sitting on back stair steps]
Carl
[Finding his clothes cut up and strewn along the side house walkway] What the fuck?!
Carl
You cut up all my uniforms?!
Well, I weighed out the pros and cons, and I made a decision for our family. I think that it's better for everyone that you don't go back to school. We have a wedding to plan.
Carl
Kassidi.
Don't say my name like that!
Carl
Kassidi...
Do not say my name like that, I mean it, Carl!
Carl
Kassidi, this is not a joke! I am going back to military school!
I hate you! [Goes in back door and shuts it]
Carl
Hey! Fuck. [Walks up steps and bangs on door] Wait! You can't leave me!
Carl
Hey, what the fuck! You're not gonna die! We're gonna see each other like once a week!
Carl
Open up the door!
Carl
What the fuck?! You kidding me?!
This engagement is bullshit! [Kassidi throws ring out door]
Carl
What? What the fuck? I paid like 100 bucks for that!
Carl
Come on!
Carl
My God! What do you want me to do?!
Marry me before you leave, dumb-ass. You love me, right? You love me, right? Then what's the point in waiting?
Carl
Okay, fine.
Carl
Yeah, sure.
Carl
I don't think there's any skin left on my dick.
I just can't get enough of my husband. I need more Carl. I wanna know everything about you. Remember when you said that you and Ian... You guys ran away from that foster home and lived under the bridge? Did that really happen?
Carl
Yeah.
Carl
What?
Your life. Uh, where... where you lived under the bridge, where you sold your drugs, where that guy chased you with a hatchet. I wanna see it all. I mean, I am Mrs. Carl Gallagher now. I need to know the life you lived. Come on. I'll rub lotion on your dick and we'll go.
I can't believe that you lived down here. It's like freakin' Mad Max.
Carl
Yeah, I remember this one time, a guy tried to steal Ian's coat. We beat him with a can of tuna wrapped in a tube sock.
Carl
Think it's over here.
Oh, my God, you lived there?
Carl
Yeah.
I have to see it. [Runs into a modified cargo crate and she trips over a man's body]
Carl
Hey! You okay?! Oh, hey, man. Sorry, didn't realize someone was sleeping here. Hello?
Is he dead? Is that a dead body?
Carl
Hey, come on, let's just get out of here.
I've gotta Snapchat this.
Carl
Uh, it's just a dead guy. Let's go.
Roll him over. [Carl complies]
Carl
What?
So I can see the face of death.
Carl
Oh, Kassidi, come on.
Carl, roll him over. [Lies down and takes a selfie with the cadaver] I'm gonna story the shit out of this.
Carl
Well, why is it so important for you to know what it's like to live on the street?
'Cause you grew up free. I grew up trapped in an 8,000-square-foot suburban prison. Cable fucking TV, cheerleading camp, cross country, and Mom always ragging on me to study. And for what? So I could end up like them? I mean, they're miserable. Please.
Carl
Well, this is it. This is where my first shop was.
Selling crack? That is so cool.
DDealer
Yo, you gotta buy or walk. This is my corner.
Carl
I used to work this corner. Where's G-Dog?
DDealer
That's his brains right there... [Points to blood puddle stain on road] that dark spot. [Speeding vehicle heads towards them] Damn!
DDealer
Shooter! Down! Get down! [Carl and Kassidi hide behind parked vehicle while the gunman from vehicle opens fire and drive away]
Oh, my God! They shot at us! This is epic!
HHuntington
Got you! I've got you!
Carl
You don't have him, Huntington.
HHuntington
I just need a better grip, sir!
Carl
Are you trying to screw me out of becoming cadet lieutenant next year, maggot?
Carl
Well, it sure as shit looks like it. Drop that cadet, pissant. Jesus. Not literally.
HHuntington
Sorry, sir. Sorry, Raul.
Carl
I have my year-end review with the general this afternoon. Do you know what that might be about, puke-head?
HHuntington
No, sir. Y-yes, sir. Uh, me, sir?
Carl
I've had the entire school year to get you plebes into fighting shape, and yet one big, fat turd who can't keep up.
HHuntington
I'll do better, sir!
Carl
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and you are my weakest link! Get out of my face! Cadets... and Dave... dismissed! Corporal Gallagher is on the move!
What's with the uniform, G.I. Joe? I thought you were off for the summer.
Yeah, aren't you supposed to be "at rest"?
Carl
At ease. And there is no ease for a soldier who's West Point bound. Debs, can you pass me the milk? Debs.
[Reading newspaper] Eighty cents. That's how much women make on the dollar compared to men. And if you're a woman of color, 65 cents. This is a sexist shit nugget of a country. Don't you forget that.
Oh, Debs! Thank God you're not working. Hey, I need a favor. I gotta take V to this nursery school tour. Can you watch the girls for like an hour? They can't come. Thanks.
Why are you speaking to me?
No. Why are you speaking to the only woman in the room, Kevin Ball? Why is childcare a woman's job? Let me tell you why. Did you know that the average American man works about 17.5 hours a week doing unpaid home labor? Cooking, cleaning. While women, however, spend about 28.4 hours a week. Now, considering the fact that the average American makes $26.82 an hour, that's $40,000 a year that women are not getting paid to cook, clean, and wipe baby asses.
[Scoffs] Come on, Franny, let's oppose patriarchal oppression.
USUbberman secretary
Are you lost, honey?
Carl
Cadet Lieutenant Carl Gallagher. I'm here to see Congressman Ubberman, ma'am.
USUbberman secretary
Why?
Carl
I seek the honor of his recommendation for West Point.
USUbberman secretary
Are you a constituent?
Carl
Ma'am?
USUbberman secretary
You live around here? [Carl nods] Okay, sweetheart, I'll tell you how this works. First, you set up an appointment, and the first avail we have is in nine weeks. And you come back with your transcripts and your vitae--
Carl
My what?
USUbberman secretary
Your athletic and your academic achievements. You know, publications, awards, and your exceptional record of your volunteer work in this community.
Carl
Volunteer work? You have to work for free to get into West Point? Thought you just had to wanna kill some towel heads. The 100 hours of community service I did after juvie count? Court-ordered?
USUbberman secretary
No. Here is a list of our accredited volunteer organizations. Maybe start there.
Carl
Any of them pay?
CCharmaine
So Congressman Ubberman's office sent you over? Where's that form? Oh. [Chuckles] Couple of routine questions. Why do you wanna be a mentor?
Carl
I don't.
CCharmaine
Then, why are you here?
Carl
I have to volunteer somewhere.
CCharmaine
What academic subjects could you tutor your mentee in?
Carl
None.
CCharmaine
Special skills?
Carl
Steady hand with a knife, ma'am. Like to cut things and watch 'em bleed.
CCharmaine
I think I might know a place for you, and... [Chuckles] I guarantee you they are in desperate need of volunteers. Here. [Hands business card]
Carl
Soothing Horizon? Sounds like a nail salon.
Carl
Yeah, heard you guys might be in need of some volunteers.
RRalph
You wanna volunteer? Here?
Carl
Yes, sir. I'm in need of some documented community service. Trying to get into West Point.
RRalph
Well, great. Military boy, huh?
Carl
Yeah, strong stomach.
RRalph
Perfect. How much can you bench, son? 'Cause these sons of bitches can get heavy.
Carl
Uh, what is it exactly you guys are doing here?
RRalph
Well, come on back, I'll show you. [Shows Carl a hose leading from the exhaust pipe of an idling vehicle to a window with two dogs in a room] Got a, uh, 15-year-old Rottweiler in there and a pair of 16-year-old Mastiffs. Should be done in a second.
Carl
Done?
RRalph
Yeah. Only takes three or four minutes, if you get the, uh, hose on the tailpipe right.
Carl
You're killing dogs?
RRalph
Yeah. That's the service we offer the community, son. Euthanasia for elderly, and, uh, terminally ill dogs. I'm a retired vet. Had my own practice for, uh, 38 years. And I got sick of seeing these poor people around here shooting their own dogs in the street when they got old, toss 'em in dumpsters and drop 'em off the bridge with a--with a cinderblock tied to their paw. And all because they couldn't afford the $150 to put 'em down at the vet's. Well, now they can call Soothing Horizon. We pick 'em up, bring 'em here, and let 'em go peaceful.
Carl
In a gas chamber?
RRalph
Yep. Uh... Banjo and Lucky are dead. [Dog whimpers and thumps] Skippy too. Come on, grab a leg.
Carl
Went to Congressman Ubberman's office, see if he could recommend me, but I couldn't even get an appointment.
Ubberman. He's a congressman?
Carl
You know him?
White guy? Red face? Sweaty?
Carl
Yeah.
[Laughs] I'll be damned! Hey, babe, did you know that Wubby's a congressman?
Carl
Seriously?
When I was a dominatrix, he was one of my regulars. Dude used to like me to whip him and call him Wubby. And now he's a congressman.
Carl
Do you still whip him?
Ah, I retired years ago. Leather underwear is not too good for my lady parts.
Carl
Would you ever think about coming out of retirement?
Carl
Even if it meant giving an underprivileged South Side kid a chance at achieving his dream?
S&M is not like riding a bike, Carl. You can't just strap on a pair of stilettos, pop a ball gag in someone's mouth, and start to whipping them. That is not how you ride a bike.
Carl
I mean, that's okay. Who's gonna let a poor South Side kid become an officer, anyway? I'll just enlist, embrace the suck, retire an old, disabled, sad alcoholic. Maybe they'll let me teach high school ROTC from my wheelchair if I'm lucky.
Shameless · 903 quotes
