Carl Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Debbie

I think I'm depressed. I've been feeling kind of funky lately.

Carl

Means you're gonna get your period soon.

Debbie

It does?

Carl

Don't wear white for a while.

Carl

[Referring to Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.

Sheila

I think he looks beautiful.

Debbie

What's wrong with him?

Fiona

He has Down syndrome, Debs.

Lip

Yeah, and he's Asian.

Kev

Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.

Lip

What the fuck, Karen?!

Karen

I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be.

Fiona

[Gasps] Shit!

Steve

What's the matter?

Fiona

$1,000.

Steve

Mm, back to sleep.

Fiona

I can't breathe.

Steve

Maybe it has something to do with the pillow on your face.

Fiona

I gotta pay the property tax.

Steve

All right, come here, come here, come here.

Fiona

Stop poking me with that thing.

Steve

Thought you liked me poking you with this thing.

Fiona

What was I thinking? [Sighs exasperatedly]

Steve

[Fiona is in the shower and he sits on the toilet] Is this about the club thing?

Fiona

I woke up having a panic attack that I was just like Frank and Monica taking our money, except I wasn't even getting high with it.

Steve

You know, you're gonna throw a kick-ass club night. You gotta be entrepreneurial, right? Invest in yourself.

Fiona

Are you taking a dump right now?

Steve

Like clockwork, every morning.

Fiona

Jesus.

Steve

What, I can't take a dump in here?

Fiona

[Grabs towel] Not in front of me you can't.

Steve

You were in the shower.

Fiona

Yeah, and now I'm out of the shower.

Steve

I wouldn't care if you took a dump in front of me.

Fiona

[Sighs and opens door with Lip, Ian and Carl running frantically in hall] Oh! What's going on?

Lip

Frank drunk looking for a bed!

Fiona

Who the hell let him in?

Lip

Debbie!

Ian

We begged her not to.

Lip

He's not hot-bunking my bed.

Carl

Why can't he sleep out on the porch? It's warm enough.

Frank

I want my old bed back.

Fiona

Oh, hell, no!

Debbie

Up. Step, step.

Fiona

Morning, Frank.

Frank

This is my house!

Debbie

It's okay, Daddy. You can sleep in my room.

Lip

Wouldn't do it, Debs. He's especially ripe this morning.

Carl

Frank smells like dog piss.

Frank

Not dog piss! Gary the homeless guy.

Debbie

Come on, Daddy. Sweet dreams, Daddy.

Carl

Hey, that's my tent.

Debbie

[Shoves him in chest] I'll hose it off after he wakes up.

Ian

Debs, don't let Frank in here anymore.

Debbie

This is his home too. He disappeared for months. And now he's back. [Shoves her way past] Excuse.

Debbie

Hey, Daddy. Brought you breakfast. And the newspaper. Good to have you home. Can you help me with my social studies project? It's on the civil war. Gotta build Lincoln's log cabin.

Frank

Deb.

Debbie

Hmm?

Frank

Too much noise. [Shoves her away] I need peace and quiet. I'm trying to sleep. [Debbie looks at him looking cheated]

Carl

Seriously? You're walking me to the curb? What, did I go back in time and turn six?

Steve

Have a good day at school, Carl. Learn something useful. [Walks up to Beto's Cadillac Escalade]

Beto

[Singing along to Payphone] You like? [[w:Maroon 5|Maroon 5].

Steve

What the hell are you doing here?

Beto

Have you gotten a job yet?

Steve

No.

Beto

Nando told you to get a job.

Steve

Listen, I don't know what it's like in Brazil, But we're in a recession here.

Beto

Oh. Hmm. I'll keep my eye on you from now on, okay?

Steve

Excuse me?

Beto

Make sure you don't get into trouble. We are partners now. Wherever you go, I go. [Snickers] Like a married couple, huh?

Carl

Cancer? How did I get cancer?

Frank

You must have caught it from Grammy, son.

Frank

If she had known that she had the contagious kind, I don't think she would've spent so much time with you in the basement, cooking meth.

Carl

Am I going to die?

Frank

I hope not. But right now we have to fight and fight hard. You ready to fight with me, Carl? [Starts buzzin Carl's hair]

Carl

Why do we have to shave it?

Frank

Didn't you ever see any shows about cancer? Cancer people are always bald.

Carl

Grammy wasn't bald.

Frank

Grammy hated life. She wanted to die, but you love life. And one of the most important ways you can fight the cancer is to let the sunrays in through your skull.

Lip

Why are you shaving Carl's head?

Frank

Lice.

Lip

Since when do you... parent?

Frank

Since you dropped the ball.

Frank

The vermin were literally jumping off his scalp.

Lip

Well, make sure you wash the sheets too, okay?

Frank

I look like a woman?

Carl

I have lice too?

Frank

Yes. Yes, you do.

Carl

Fiona's gonna freak out.

Frank

No, Fiona is not going to freak out, because Fiona is not going to know. You're a man now, Carl. The cancer makes you a man. And as a man, it's your job to keep secrets from the women who love you.

Carl

Jeez, I'm gonna look like a penis.

Frank

I'll get you a hat. I'll get you a hat.

Frank

You said you catered to dying children!

Sir, the Bulls only give us so many packages per season and it takes months.

Carl

[Frank puts hand on Carl's back] Ow! What the fuck, Frank?!

Frank

That's going on all day, every day! My son is suffering! Have you no soul?!

If you fill out an application now, I can almost guarantee that for next year-

Frank

He doesn't have a year!

[Hands Frank a brochure] There's a camp. All the spots are full, but there's a quadriplegic. He won't get much out of it. I can bump him for Carl.

Frank

Camp?! Like summer camp?!

It's beautiful, on a lake, a wonderful place for children to feel normal one last time.

Frank

What the hell am I supposed to do with a trip to cancer camp?!

Carl

[Snatches brochure from Frank] I've never been to camp!

Frank

Shh, shh, shh. You all packed?

Carl

I need a sleeping bag.

Frank

Just staple some sheets together.

Carl

This camp's got a rifle range and woods all around a lake. I'm definitely gonna kill something, like a grizzly, mountain lion, maybe a tiger. Or I might just go in the canoe and shoot some fish.

Frank

Cancer's opening up a whole wonderful world for you, a world your other siblings will never get to experience. But they don't know that this camp is only for kids with cancer, so, like I said before, you must keep that secret. Are you still someone I can trust?

Carl

Why am I the only one who caught cancer from Grammy?

Frank

Life is rife with questions that baffle. All we can do is carry on.

Carl

Am I going to die?

Frank

Time will tell. But don't you worry. I'm working on a cure.

Ian

Carl, what are you doing?

Carl

Making a sleeping bag.

Ian

These are Lip's sheets.

Carl

Not anymore.

Ian

All right, take my ROTC sleeping bag, huh?

Carl

Really?

Ian

Yeah. I'll grab it from upstairs. Why couldn't you win a raffle for camp when I was little, Frank?

Frank

Fortune dispenses randomly. I hated camp. [To Carl] Don't listen to Jamie, Carl.

Wendy

Will you be coming up for parents day, Mr. Gallagher?

Frank

No. No, no. Working. No time to relax. Being able to afford Carl's cancer drugs means a lot of time at the foundry. And, if I'm late, I get docked. I get docked too many times, I get fired. If I get fired, I lose my benefits, benefits that will provide treatments to extend Carl's life past the doctor's original dire predictions.

Wendy

We'll take good care of him, I promise.

Frank

Thank you.

Wendy

Okay, folks, bus is leaving. Get your hugs in.

Frank

Okay, check it out. [Hands Carl a bottle of pills that are likely breath mints] I was able to pull some strings and get you these special cancer pills. Take one a day. They'll give you the energy To get through camp.

Carl

Will they cure my cancer?

Frank

Depends on your attitude.

Carl

[Hugs Frank] I love you, dad.

Frank

Okay. Okay, good. There you go. Be brave.

Hanley

Yo. I'm Hanley.

Carl

Carl.

Hanley

What up?

Carl

Not my red blood cell count. What kind do you got?

Hanley

The kind that kills kids. You?

Carl

Same.

Carl

What's that smell?

Wendy

Fresh air.

Carl

Where's the rifle range?

Wendy

Don't think we have that anymore.

Carl

Then why's it on the pamphlet?

Wendy

That is a worthwhile inquiry.

Carl

You shouldn't have put it on the pamphlet if you don't have it.

Wendy

Well, let's go check.

Wendy

You want to sing along with us, carl?

Carl

I want to shoot a rifle.

Wendy

Got some info for you on that one. We no longer offer a rifle range.

Carl

That's bullshit! [All campers turn heads to them]

Wendy

Language, please, carl.

Carl

There's a range on the pamphlet.

Wendy

How about I teach you to play chess?

Carl

How about I call Action 4 News and tell them you're lying to a bunch of dying kids On what they get to do at this horseshit camp! [All campers turn heads to them]

Wendy

I'm sorry, Carl.

Carl

I want to go to the forest and kill something.

Wendy

Let's find you something safe to do, yet still thrilling, Like making a tie-dyed t-shirt.

Wendy

Vanilla or chocolate?

Carl

Mixed. You got any rainbow sprinkles?

Wendy

They discontinued using sprinkles last summer. Some brands of food coloring have been linked to cancer.

Carl

I already have cancer. This camp blows. No sprinkles? What is this, Mexico?

Wendy

We're trying to create an enjoyable--

Carl

Create a way to get some sprinkles here before we die.

Wendy

Hey, kids, it's Moppy the clown. [Kids cheer]

Hanley

Yo, Carl, way to speak up.

Carl

Want to go check out the lake?

Hanley

Sure. I'll go ask.

Carl

Don't ask. Just go.

Hanley

But they'll get mad if we don't ask permission.

Carl

Cancer is our permission. We've been at this camp for a whole day without seeing the lake.

Hanley

I've never seen a lake before.

Carl

Not even Lake Michigan?

Hanley

Where's that?

Carl

Cool.

Hanley

Flat rocks skip better. They pay for your braces before or after they found out you were dying?

Carl

I'm not dying.

Hanley

You got cancer, dude. You're dying. We're all dying.

Carl

My dad got me some special pills.

Hanley

Good luck with that.

Carl

Seriously.

Hanley

They ain't got no cure.

Carl

I thought this camp was supposed to, you know, like, help kids, fresh air and that stuff.

Hanley

The only kids invited to this camp are the ones that ain't gonna make it. This is the final party. One final "screw you," putting all this cool shit within arm's reach and then not letting us do dick.

Carl

If you had to pick one wish they would actually grant, What would it be?

Hanley

Titties. Never seen a real girl's titties.

Carl

Porn?

Hanley

Sure. But never seen titties in real life. You?

Carl

Older sister.

Hanley

Describe 'em.

Carl

Like titties, except their your older sister's. You don't really want to keep looking at 'em.

Wendy

Okay, kids, for lunch, we have organic chicken, a fresh kale salad, and a juice bar with beets and cukes and ginger and carrots ready to be ground down into their essential goodness.

Carl

Got any chicken nuggets?

Hanley

I love chicken nuggets.

Chickie nugs? I want some.

Wendy

Sorry, guys. No chicken nuggets.

Carl

Got a car?

Wendy

No. I'm a college student.

Carl

Buy one. People who go to college are rich.

Wendy

I'm not.

Carl

Then go call us a cab And go get us some nuggets.

I got money. My mom said I could buy whatever I want from the camp store. I want chicken nuggets.

Wendy

There's no nuggets at the camp store.

Hanley

We're dying of cancer. Serial killers on death row get lobster for their final meal.

Carl

Any one of these next meals could be our last. We can't even get some chicken nuggets? We have cancer. Go get us some nuggets now! [Starts chanting] Nuggets... :[All the campers join in chanting and pounding on table]

Carl

This is where they lock up the pain pills. We need a bolt cutter.

Hanley

No, we don't. Let's just use your swiss army knife and unscrew the bolts.

Wendy

What are you kids doing in here?!

Hanley

We were gonna steal the drugs and sell them.

Carl

Really? You need to work on your lying.

Wendy

What do you need money for?!

We want to pay a woman--

Carl

Shut up. This is a camp that's supposed to fulfill wishes, but all you do is say "no."

Wendy

[Sighs] Kids, I came to work here to do my part in diminishing the burden of your illness. I know you've been disappointed with some of the restrictions put on you here. I wish I had the power to change that.

Carl

You may have more power than you think.

Wendy

[Appears to Carl, Hanley and a girl] I'm only doing this for Hanley.

Carl

I have cancer too.

Me too.

Hanley

You're the best friend I've ever had.

Carl

Now how about the lower half?

Wendy

Not happening, pal.

Wendy? Wow. Exactly how I imagined them to be. [Wendy covers breasts in embarrassment and flees]