Kev Ball quotes from Shameless

Kev

Circle doesn't start with an "S"? What the fuck?

Kev

Too many Gallaghers in the world already. Lip, now you? Instead of passing out rubbers at schools they should be passing them out at your house.

Kev

Stan, you son of a bitch, you taught me that a man isn't a man unless he's loved a woman, eaten the heart out of a live goat, or ripped a German soldier's face off. One out of three ain't bad.

Steve

And what exactly does "hooked up" mean?

Kev

Last time I checked, penis goes into vagina.

Frank

Scratched cornea. Brass bits and gas ripped into my eye.

Kev

You're lucky that's all that happened to you. Cartoons-- whole head explodes.

Veronica

You know, there are a lot of kids who need a home.

Kev

Fucked up foster kids like me?

Veronica

Exactly. We could build up our own army. Like Wesley Snipes. Take over the neighborhood.

Carl

[Referring to Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.

Sheila

I think he looks beautiful.

Debbie

What's wrong with him?

Fiona

He has Down syndrome, Debs.

Lip

Yeah, and he's Asian.

Kev

Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.

Lip

What the fuck, Karen?!

Karen

I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be.

Veronica

[About Cheryl] You let her sleep in our bed? You said yourself she's a crazy bitch.

Kev

She is a crazy bitch. And not a crazy bitch like you're a crazy bitch like, "oh bitch, you so crazy." No! She once tried to beat me to death with a frozen fish because I had asked if there was any more broccoli.

Kev

[Walking down hallway] Hey! What the fuck man! He's dead!

Which one?

Kev

Stan! Stan Kopchek!

Sorry for your loss. You family?

Kev

No. Yeah. Sort of.

Yeah, well, we're not supposed to tell people over the phone when a patient dies, so we usually just say they ain't feeling good.

Kev

He's fucking cold!

Yeah. It's Joaquin. He ain't never show up for his overnight shift so we don't know how long he's been laying up in there dead. You got a mortuary you need me to call for you? Pick up the body?

When was the last time these things were cleaned?

Kev

April. Here you go, Alan. Breakfast of champions. And some OJ if you'd like. Yeah, I wouldn't count on that expiration date, though. Not much use of orange juice in this place.

Really, I'm good. Dad didn't age very well, did he? And he was in his 60s in those pictures. You should've seen him in his 80s.

Kev

Whoa. Hey, man's dead. Have some respect.

No, no, it's fine. He and I, I'm sure you know, didn't get along very well. You know, to be honest with you, I didn't even know you existed.

Kev

He only mentioned having a daughter.

Kev

[Chuckles] That would be me.

When you're ready, we can begin. I have Stanley's will here, which I'd like to read to you. Um, but out of respect, you know, I'll skip some of the colorful language. Oh, no. Please, go ahead, read it. I'm sure we've all heard it before. Uh, I, Stanley Winston Kopchek, being of sound mind and body, leave to my sniveling, faggoty, fag of a fagorama daughter by the name of Alan Willard Kopchek my gun collection, in the hopes that she'll kill herself before she chugs another AIDS cock.

Not sure we all heard that before.

And to the man who I wished had been born my son, Kevin Ball, I leave my beloved Alibi room. What? Oh, my. I knew it would be bad. I didn't know it would be that... Alan, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

I'll contest the will.

Kev

Absolutely, you should. He was probably drunk when he wrote it.

Everything was done by the book.

You know what? Never mind. Let Kevin have the bar.

Kev

Alan, are you-- are you sure? That doesn't seem fair.

You... oh, come on, do you think the homophobes that come in this place are gonna take to me as the owner? You could always sell it. Okay, tell you what we'll do. Kevin, why don't you send me $500 a month for two years, about what I would've gotten if I had sold this shit hole?

Okay. So I'll-- I'll write up the paperwork. I'll get you both a copy then.

Kev

That sounds fair. Alan, thank you. I-I promise, I will uphold Stan's legacy. The good stuff, not all that "faggoty, fag, AIDS cock" stuff.

Do you mind if I take dad?

Of course. [Lawyer hands Alan the cremation urn and Alan throws it on the ground shattering it and whipping up a dusty cloud with all of them coughing]

Thank you.

Veronica

Then you are definitely having an abortion, mother. There's got to be an all-night clinic.

Kev

Over my dead sperm.

Kev

Hey, Kermit. You ever bartend before?

Kermit

At my niece's wake. It was a sad, sad day.

Kev

Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey, bartend for me for a little bit and wait for V, and then you get to drink for free all week. I always wanted to go to college.

I'm at the cantina. You-- you can't miss me. I'm just-- I'm on the floor next to the pool table.

Kev

You're on the floor? It's the middle of the afternoon.

Sure, I'll have another shot!

Kev

No, don't have another shot. [Sighs] I'm on my way.

Thank you, Rapewalker.

Kev

Oh, please don't call me that.