Carl Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Carl

Frank?

Frank

Yes, son?

Carl

Why would a dude put his penis In another dude's mouth?

Frank

Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves, like they prefer male genitalia To female genitalia.

Carl

Wait. So some guys like to lick wieners?

Frank

Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted To each other's build. And once a connection gets made, Then the wieners get licked. It's a scorcher today, ain't it?

Carl

So does, like, one penis go into the other penis?

Of course. When gay dudes get horny, Their pee holes open.

Carl

I need to know where the gay wieners go.

Lip

[Sighs] You know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up?

Carl

Yeah.

Lip

Think of it as one dude plunging another dude's toilet.

Debbie

I think I'm gonna puke.

Fiona

Muscle through it. We gotta find her. Where'd Carl go? Huh?

Carl

[Throws a fireworks cluster] Ninja!

Fiona

Carl! No! No! [Fireworks explodes in the backyard] Oh, my god. Shit, Carl! [Pause of epiphany] That actually kinda worked!

Lip

You get those from the fireworks stash?!

Fiona

Yeah!

Lip

Go get some more!

Fiona

[Sees figure walking through smoke] Ian?!

Jimmy

[Walking through smoke] Reeks out here. Hey, listen. Oh, man. About all the stuff, just with my dad, I--

Fiona

Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.

Jimmy

Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"?

Fiona

Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor! Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis! Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool! This yard smells like a sewer! I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me! And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today! Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison! So you wanna talk?! Fine! Grab a shovel! [Throws shovel at Jimmy's feet] Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blowjob to a teenager, but dig while you do it!

Jimmy

You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game. My entire world got rocked, and it's, like, not even on your radar. We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.

Fiona

Look at us. We are literally digging up a body! How do you even compare our situations?! [Jimmy turns heels and walks to the street and Fiona chuckles] oh, that's great! Walk away! That's a real pussy move! Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?!

Carl

[Flipping through channels realising all prime channels are blocked] What the hell? TV's broken.

Uh, parental controls. We wouldn't want you stumbling onto something you shouldn't.

Carl

That's the only reason to watch.

It still gets Discovery Kids, Disney, and Bravo. Come on. Put the remote down. It's time for your bath.

Carl

How many damn times do I have to smell like mango and pomegranate?

Uh, if you think I'm gonna let you near your tutor without one, you got another thing coming, young man.

Carl

Tutor?

To brush up on your math. You're two grade levels behind.

Carl

Only two?

Thank you all for coming out in honor of Aunt Ginger. "GG" as I called her. You now, when the guy at the funeral place handed me her ashes, I thought, what the hell do I do with these? Put 'em in a vase on my mantle? Or scatter them at the park or the lake? Then I thought, no, I know where she was happiest. On this corner, her corner, where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.

Frank

And 60s!

Carl

She did magic tricks?

Frank

No, no, no, son. "Turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution. In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker. Could unlock her jaw like a Burmese python.

We are at her funeral. You know, some think Gallaghers don't have a work ethic, but Ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow, her old knees hitting that hard pavement again and again. Bertie Giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her. Look, you all knew Ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. She was a mean old bitch. But even a mean old bitch deserves a send off. Here, here. So this is us, Ginger, sending you off, right where you belong. [Pours ashes out in gutter] It's touching. I'm tearing up. Okay, kids, let's go.

Fiona

Patrick. So Ginger had a will that we didn't know about, and you just had it sitting in a drawer?

Yep.

Fiona

And even though she hated your guts, she left our house to you?

It was never your house.

Lip

It's weird, you know, how she signed the will only a year ago, you know, her being an invalid and all.

Signed and notarized.

Lip

I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.

I gotta get back to my family.

Fiona

Six kids with nowhere else to go.

Why don't we talk about this when the sting of losing Ginger has worn off, hmm? Tomorrow, maybe?

Lip

You want to tell them or should I?

Frank

Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.

Ian

Why is Frank here again?

Fiona

There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.

Carl

Patrick wants to steal our house?

Lip

He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.

Fiona

Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.

Debbie

I'll write them down.

Ian

[They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?

Fiona

More like 15.

Debbie

[Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.

Lip

We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.

Fiona

Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.

Frank

Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?

Lip

What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.

Debbie

Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.

Jimmy

Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.

Debbie

Yeah, that's three.

Frank

Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.

Debbie

Option four. Kill Patrick.

Frank

It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.

Ian

Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.

Frank

So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.

Fiona

You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?

Lip

Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.

Fiona

All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.

Frank

Well, like hell it is.

Fiona

Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.

Carl

Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?

Fiona

Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.

Frank

This is why democracy does not work.

Veronica

[Walks past Patrick vomiting at his truck and goes into house] And who's that puking on his Timberlands?

Carl

Cousin Patrick. He's got nausea, shortness of breath, blood in urine, severe illness and death.

Veronica

What the hell are you reading?

Carl

[Holds up a box] Rat poison.

Carl

What are you doing?

Ian

ROTC retreat.

Carl

Since when?

Ian

Last-minute. Hey, where's my knife?

Carl

I don't know.

Ian

Carl, my SOG SEAL Team. It's the best fixed blade I got.

Carl

My samurai sword broke. Need a backup till it's fixed.

Ian

Yeah.

Carl

What if the zombie apocalypse goes down? Who's gonna protect Debbie and Liam?

Ian

Fine, keep it.

Carl

Really?

Ian

Promise you're not gonna use it on anything human.

Carl

Cats aren't human.

Ian

Anything living. Promise.

Carl

Promise. Can you teach me the different handgrips?

Ian

Sure.

Carl

Thanks.

Fiona

Hey, Carl. Carl. Hey! You got any Bears stuff I can wear to the game today? A hat or jersey or something?

Carl

I got a Fuck Jay Cutler T-shirt. Might have blood on it though.

Fiona

Thanks, but no thanks.

Debbie

Occupied!

Carl

Gotta take a piss.

Debbie

Go away.

Fiona

Use the downstairs bathroom.

Carl

It's downstairs.

Fiona

You're young. You'll live. [Carl walks down hallway] No. Absolutely not. No more peeing off the balcony. [Fiona goes outside and a stream goes near her] What the fuck?! Carl! [Waves to woman in her backyard] Good morning, Mrs. Babiak. [Carl comes down stairs] There's a toilet right there. Mrs. Babiak doesn't need an anatomy lesson.

Carl

Mrs. Babiak's got my 18th birthday circled on her calendar.

Fiona

Use the toilet like a human.

Carl

Can I have Lip's old room?

Fiona

No. He's at college. Seriously, cut the shit with the nature whizzing or you won't live here anymore. That pierogi-eating prune will call the cops. And no, you can't have Lip's old room.

Carl

Hey.

How can I help you?

Carl

I need a liver.

What's wrong with yours?

Carl

It's for my father. His is rotting. It smells.

Oh, my, that ain't good. Is he on the donor list?

Carl

I don't think so. Can I sign him up?

Your father would have to be seen by a specialist, and then, referred to us, so he can be put on the list.

Carl

Then he gets a liver?

He'd have to wait for one to be available.

Carl

How long does that take?

Sweetie, more than 17,000 people in the U.S. are on the liver transplant list.

Carl

That's a lot of dead livers you're gonna need.

Six thousand people are fortunate enough to get one each year.

Carl

What about the rest?

Doesn't work out for everyone.

Carl

What's the point of being an organ donating center if you're not donating enough organs?

Someone from your family can donate a portion of their liver.

Carl

Me. I'll do it.

You need to be over 18.

Carl

My brother and my sister are.

Well, that's a start. Why don't you find out if they're a blood match with your father?

Carl

I already know they are. My father only screwed a Mexican whore while he was with my mom and they can't get pregnant.

Everyone's blood type is different. Sometimes even if they're related. Take these at-home testing kits. Prick the person's finger, put a drop of blood on the enclosed card. It'll show their blood type.

Carl

Okay, thanks.

Carl

Hi.

Oh, hey.

Carl

My dad's O-positive.

What about your brother and sister?

Carl

Lip's AB.

Oh, that's too bad. And your sister?

Carl

She wouldn't give any blood.

Well, sometimes, people aren't willing to go through...

Carl

That's why I need you to test this. Think you can tell me her blood type from this?

No. No, no, no.

Carl

Please. No boy should be raised without his father.

Well, why didn't you touch it to the card and test it yourself?

Carl

Oh.

Fiona

Ugh, Carl, please, please stop worrying about Frank. He is a black hole of endless need that will suck the life out of you.

Carl

His liver is rotting. He smells like a monkey cage.

Phillip Gallagher?

Lip

Yeah, who's asking?

Fort Dearborn Military Police. Can you step out of the stall please?

Lip

You know, I'm gonna be busy for a while, but you can join me if you want to wipe my ass.

Lip

Wait, what the fuck, man? Hey, hey!

Sergeant, wait! You're Phillip Gallagher?

Lip

Jesus, what the hell's going on? Or do you get off on watching guys taking a dump?

[Holds up card] Is that your social security number?

Lip

Blow me. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck.

[Holds up Ian's photo] Do you know this man?

Lip

No, I've never seen him before in my life.

Any idea how he got a hold of your name and social security number?

Lip

No, but it's pretty scary, you know? I'm feeling pretty fucking violated over here. What's he, uh, what's he wanted for?

For impersonating you, apparently. Also for attempted theft of government property and being away without leave.

Lip

Wow, no shit. What did he try and steal?

Helicopter. Surface-to-air missile. Army issue boxer bris.

Sergeant! Mr. Gallagher, we may need you to testify. We'll be in touch.

Lip

Well, at ease, gentlemen. I've always wanted to say that.

Lip

Hey, um, you guys heard anything from Ian?

Carl

Not for weeks. And Fiona doesn't even care.

Lip

What about the US army. You hear anything from them?

We're looking for Phillip Gallagher.

Carl

He's at college.

Carl

No. Why the army?

Lip

'Cause Ian joined up.

Carl

Cool. Is he old enough?

Lip

No, he used my name and social when he signed up, and then he tried to steal a helicopter and a bunch of other shit. Went AWOL.

Carl

Helicopter? Awesome.