Karen Jackson quotes from Shameless

Karen

[To Lip] Stop talking about my boyfriend and fuck me.

Karen

She's got this thing about people bringing dirt in the house. Molysmophobia.

Lip

Right. Okay, so, um... if you remember it like this, the... the formula is completely visible. Um... okay. Midget naked witch is bending over, and she's crying 'cause she lost one ear and she can't find it.

Karen

How do you know all this?

Lip

Uh, just something I like to fool around with.

Karen

Like a hobby?

Lip

Uh, no. More like a plan.

Karen

Physics?

Lip

Yeah, yeah. Have you done Newton's first? I've got a great one for that. Um, "Everybody continues [Karen goes under the table to fellate Lip] in a state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force." Uh, hang on. Karen, I'm, uh... I'm still going to have to charge you for this.

Karen

Charge me?

Lip

Yeah, this isn't charity. I get paid for tutoring.

Karen

I know. Science just turns me on.

Lip

Okay. Jesus.

Karen

An hour and 54 minutes. Now, that's a record.

Lip

Yes. Now all we have to do is figure out how I can go back the same day and take it again for another kid. [Mickey and two goons walk up to them] Uh-oh.

Mickey

Hey, yo.

Lip

What do they want?

Karen

He probably just wants to ask me out again.

Lip

You're not interested?

Karen

If you like the smell of cow shit.

Mickey

Got a B-plus on that paper you wrote for me.

Lip

Spread the word. I could use the business. Heard they're letting Iggy out of juvie.

Mickey

My mom drove up to get him. Throwing a party for him this weekend.

Lip

He'll probably be back in before then, yeah?

Mickey

Ha, ha, probably. So Ian messed with Mandy.

Lip

Ian?

Mickey

Yeah.

Lip

That's, uh, highly unlikely.

Mickey

That's what Mandy told us.

Lip

Trust me, you got the wrong guy.

Mickey

Right, the problem is that Ian's been avoiding us all day, and, uh, someone's gotta get a beatdown till we find him.

Lip

Could make an exception.

Mickey

Not really, though.

Lip

Well, maybe, uh, Mandy's confusing Ian with any one of the other 400 dudes in the 10th grade she's already blown. [Mickey jabs Lip in the gut with a pole who falls down and the other two goons join in stomping Lip]

Eddie

Went to see a lawyer. It turns out I can't afford to live somewhere else and support you two. [Glances at Frank] Three.

Karen

Why can't you stay with Uncle Ray?

Eddie

He's got gangrene. You ever smell a rotting foot? Hey. Why don't you get me a refill there, huh, Karen, honey?

Karen

What, did you lose your fucking legs?

Eddie

Yeah, that's your teenage, diseased mind talking. You know, you tasted penii, and now you're just crazy.

Karen

Fuck off.

Eddie

How'd you know it was me? I was talking to my Promisemakers group, and... I want you to know that I understand that so much of your bad behavior is my responsibility. If you leave a dog in the house alone for more than eight hours, you can't get mad at him for peeing the rug, right? I found this... in an album in the basement. I don't know... maybe we can try to... capture more moments like these together.

Karen

My actions have been unlady-like and base in nature and for that I'm truly sorry.

Karen. In order for you to receive the gift of purity, you need to be as honest as you can.

Eddie

It's okay, sweetheart. Just tell them what happened.

Karen

Um, well, okay, heh. I started having oral sex at a very young age. Maybe 13. It was guys around the neighborhood. Three or four at first and then, well, more than three or four. I didn't have intercourse until the 8th grade. I didn't like it at first but then around the 6th time it started to feel good. Really good. But I didn't feel good about it. Um, there was a few times where I got high and started experimenting with guys and girls at the same time. I wouldn't necessarily call it an orgy but there were a lot of naked body parts flying around which felt very good but kind of bad all at the same time. Then there was the time at Mindy Carlson's sleepover when we all got in the shower and started soaping each other up. Her mom walked in and freaked out when she saw Mindy with a big, black, strap-on dildo.

Eddie

You whore! Whores don't get cars.

Karen

[Referring to Sheila counting her steps] Won't be long now, Frank. In a few days, she's gonna make it to the store, the hair salon... Alibi Room, gonna meet your friends. Hear all those heartwarming, scumbag, freeloading Frank stories.

Frank

[Karen's boyfriend Jody pulls up on motorbike] Who the hell is that?!

Karen

Friend from group. [She gets on Jody's bike]

Frank

Group?

Karen

Sex Addicts Anonymous. Gig's almost up, Daddy Frank. [Pats Jody to go] Time to make other plans. [They ride off]

Karen

I have something to tell you.

Lip

What? Finally gonna let me plow the back fields?

Karen

You already are.

Lip

Oh, shit, sorry.

Karen

That's okay. I like it.

Lip

So, what'd you wanna tell me?

Karen

We can't have sex anymore.

Lip

What?

Karen

I'm pretty sure Jody's gonna propose.

Lip

Is that a good thing?

Karen

It's a great thing.

Jody

Karen, your dad is dead.

Karen

Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.

Peg

[Holds up a jar] What's that? What's it look like?

Carl

A finger.

Peg

Yeah. [Holds up a gun] You can touch it, but never put your finger on the trigger unless you're gonna shoot someone. You like secrets? So do I. Hold out your hands. [Gives Carl the gun] Our little secret, all right?

Sheila

There are important decisions to be made. This money comes with responsibility Can you run downstairs and ask Jody for the paprika? Trusts, tax evasion, liquidity.

Frank

As soon as Eddie's claim is settled and that check comes, we have to--

Sheila

Frank.

Frank

What?

Sheila

I can't let you be in charge of Eddie's insurance money, sweetheart. You're an alcoholic.

Frank

I wasn't talking about me.

Sheila

Okay.

Frank

Did you think I meant me?

Sheila

No. We need a highly experienced professional.

Frank

Yeah, that's right. And for the record, many great men have been well-lubricated. Henry Ford, Scott Fitzgerald, David Hasselhoff... they all kept a bottle close.

Karen

Mom?

Frank

Beethoven's Fifth. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Kevin

Hey, listen, about the bathroom....

Veronica

Nothing happened in the bathroom.

Kevin

Well, whatever didn't happen, I'm sorry.

Veronica

What didn't happen in the bathroom, Steve, did not happen.

Sheila

Quiet, please.

Jody

Quiet, everyone.

Sheila

I'm sorry that I didn't make it all the way down the stairs today... but, baby steps.

Jody

That's right, Mom.

Hear, hear.

Sheila

Oh, my Karen, my baby, all grown up. I so wish your father could have been here today. I wish he could have seen you, our sweet girl, all grown up. And I know he would be so proud of his grandbaby...no matter who the father was, except Frank. Heh. He hated Frank. Heh. But it couldn't be Frank, because there wasn't any penetration. Eddie didn't like being penetrated. He had a funny bump on the side of his penis...that we thought was cancer...but it turned out I was just being too rough on him, so....There's been some obstacles and some pitfalls...but she's made some wonderful, wonderful friends along the way. Like Lip and all the Gallaghers.

Sheila

People I just used to only know as the ones in that house...where the cops always came.

Jesus, is that bitch ever gonna shut up?

Oh.

Sheila

And Frank's mother. We're just so honored that you're here, even though you weren't even invited. And not really honored, because you're a convicted felon. But you're out now, aren't you? Why did they let you out? Because you're a loud, mean, vicious bitch.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's open presents.

Why don't you do yourself and everyone else a favor and shut up?

Sheila

Have I offended you? In my home, where you're an interloper?

No one wants to hear it, you fucking windbag.

Karen

Okay, Mom, let's go upstairs.

Sheila

She called me a Wacker Drive whore.

Fiona

Frank.

Frank

Let them work it out.

Sheila

And I don't know how an angel like that man...could have come out of your poisoned womb.

Shut up, you batty bitch.

Sheila

You know what? You've got a demon mind and a devil's womb and heart. And your coochie smells of brimstone and sulfur!

I will fuck you up. [She draws a handun]

Kevin

Shit! Shit! No!

Sheila

Do it! Do it!

Oh, my God, there's a woman with a gun. She's at a party. She's shooting people

Karen

Thought you dropped out.

Lip

Uh, made a deal with Fiona. She'll blow her end, and I'll be back home chilling in a week.

Karen

I'm gonna give the baby up for adoption. Sometimes I wonder if getting high makes it easier for me to keep up with you or more difficult. I thought I was in love with Jody; I'm not. I thought it would be cool to have a baby and love it, but no, I suck at it. I thought about aborting it, but I'm this far along, and even though I don't want it, other people probably do. So I figure why not suck it up a few more months, vag it out and sell it?

Lip

"Vag it out"?

Karen

Well, the truth hurts, but it's still the truth.

Lip

Well, you know, if you are gonna let the baby live, maybe you should stop smoking weed.

Karen

Weren't Monica and Frank on acid the whole time you were in vitro?

Lip

Uh, shrooms, mostly.

Karen

Well, you want to go to some adoption agencies with me later? I need someone to play the dad, sign the paperwork. You could help me pick out a good buyer.

Lip

[Mr. Healey shows up] Oh! Mr. Healey, how goes it?

Karen

[Slides off window ledge] Later. [She leaves]

For goodness sake. [Takes cigarette out of Lip's mouth and soaks it in a sink] What the hell is this schedule you signed up for? Woodworking? Auto Repair? Welding?

Lip

Hey, I'm just trying to learn the skills that can make me a productive member of the working class, Mr. H. You as my guidance counselor should appreciate that.

You have any idea what it's like to be a guidance counselor in this shit hole? I get one National Merit Scholar every nine years. So there's not a chance that you're not going to live up to your goddamn potential.

Lip

Feeling very "O Captain! My Captain!" are we?

I had a teacher who took a special interest in me when I was about your age.

Lip

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. He use a condom or...?

It was a woman, smart-ass. And she showed me the way out, changed my life.

Lip

Yet you still ended up in this job?

I had 22 years in the Coast Guard before I got here. And I retired a lieutenant commander.

Lip

Wow.

So you're gonna take Physics, Probability and Statistics, Advanced Chemistry. And you're gonna take the ACT, and you're gonna get into either Yale or Harvard or MIT on a full academic ride. Give me your hand.

Lip

At what point in your career did you realize that your name, Dick, had become a euphemism for cock?

Watch your mouth. The ice you're standing on is cracking all around you, Phillip. And I won't stand around and watch you drown. [School bell rings] Get to class.

Karen

Fuck Mother Nature! She doesn't have to worry about her vagina getting stretched. Ow!

Jody

You were already pretty stretched out down there, Karen.

Carl

[Referring to Karen's baby] That thing looks weird.

Sheila

I think he looks beautiful.

Debbie

What's wrong with him?

Fiona

He has Down syndrome, Debs.

Lip

Yeah, and he's Asian.

Kev

Maybe we're just looking at him upside down.

Lip

What the fuck, Karen?!

Karen

I never said it was yours. You just wanted it to be.

Sheila

And now that you're home, I'm sure the Wongs will let us spend more time with him.

Karen

I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.

Sheila

I know you want to be involved in Hymie's life. In fact, I found a flyer for a support group.

Karen

Support for what?

Sheila

For families affected with Down's Syndrome. I thought it might be a way for us to educate ourselves about Hymie's needs.

Sheila

Butt out, Frank!

Sheila

Um, Frank.

Frank

Uh-huh?

Sheila

Honey, we've been through a lot together.

Frank

That we have, Sheils, that we have.

Sheila

Um, but Hymie's gone, and with Karen and Jody here, it's kind of a full house.

Frank

What? No. No, no, no, don't say that.

Sheila

Frank, I'm just asking you to go home to your family.

Frank

My family threw me out with no regard for my well-being. Do you want me homeless? Do you want me wandering the streets just as old man winter winds his way down from the frozen north?

Sheila

Don't you have someone you can stay with, like a friend?

Frank

Just as I'm getting my life together. I'm going to AA.

Sheila

You go because a judge ordered you to go.

Frank

Sheila.

Sheila

Frank, you're a good man, but you've got to find another place to stay.