Steve Wilton quotes from Shameless

Steve

Now I'm off to lead tiny testosterone animals to victory. Gonna warm em up and give 'em my best Friday Night Lights speech about hearts, eyes, or some shit.

Steve

[answers phone] Hello?

Fiona

If that wasn't bullshit, what was I wearing?

Steve

Huh?

Fiona

First time you saw me, if that wasn't a lie.

Steve

Black top with gold trim, black shiny jeans, thin shoes... straps... sandals. With your hair pinned high. Dangly gold earrings that made me smile. A big watch... too big, so it slid up your arm. But it looked great. And you were dancing next to red-haired girl in a green dress.

Fiona

Yeah, yeah. Jenna. It was Jenna's birthday. So you were - you were watching her. She's a lot better looking than me.

Steve

You think so? Really?

Fiona

Yeah, so how come you're not stalking Jenna?

Steve

Because you... you think like that and Jenna doesn't. Jenna dances for an audience. You dance like there's no one else in the room. Your life's not simple, Fiona, and you can't stop it from showing because you're no fake. You're not lost, you don't need finding. This whole city belongs to the Jennas, but I'm sick of them. I swear, Fiona, you're nothing like anyone I've ever met. You make me want to enjoy my life again. Are you there? Fiona?

Steve

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. What have I ever done to anybody, never mind you, that made me look unreliable? Un... unreliable.

Fiona

People like you are just way too used to getting your own way.

Steve

And by people like me you mean people like what? Okay, wait, all right. Yes-no. All you got to do is agree or disagree. He thinks the sun shines out of his own ass. Agree or disagree.

Fiona

Agree.

Steve

He's overly generous and that bugs me.

Fiona

Agree.

Steve

Because I'm not used to get...

Fiona

Actually very agree.

Steve

Because I'm not used to getting spoiled. Okay. So I lose respect for guys like Steve because people unlike Steve or people diametrically opposite to Steve have always let me down. So deciding that he's overeducated and has more money than sense is somehow more socially acceptable than asking myself, for instance, why do the men I always date treat me like shit?

Fiona

Fuck you. [She gets up and starts to leave]

Steve

It's a question.

Fiona

Fuck you.

Steve

Either-or. [She stops and sits back down]

Fiona

Agree.

Steve

He's had a easy life.

Fiona

Definitely.

Steve

And you prefer a guy who's been around the block a few times.

Fiona

What if I do?

Steve

Say, D block of a maximum security prison?

Fiona

If he knew how to have fun, yeah, sure.

Steve

Fiona, I can't help my upbringing. So how come it's me again having to apologize for mine?

Fiona

Who's asking you to?

We finished here, guys?

Steve

We're working on it. You want to wait outside while I pay the bill?

Fiona

Sure.

Steve

He's on break?

Any second now.

Steve

All right. [He puts on valet jacket and he and Fiona leave the restaurant] Good evening, sir. [Sports car owner gives him key]

Thanks. [Steve drives ahead]

Steve

I don't buy and sell cars. I just sell them. But the cars I sell are mainly, uh, not mine. [Steve reverses back] Still looking for fun, Fiona?

Fiona

[She gets in] Go.

Ian

[To Frank] Hey. Is that my shirt?

Frank

Yeah.

Ian

I-I'm just asking. [Frank headbutts Ian in the nose in front of whole family]

Steve

Whoa!

Frank

Guy in the bar said to pass it on.

Steve

What the fuck is wrong with you, Frank?!

Fiona

Jesus Christ, Dad!

Steve

You're drunk, Frank, you're drunk!

Frank

This-this is drunk? Stop it, okay, Steve? You want to see drunk?

Steve

Don't do this to your kids, Frank.

Frank

Aw, what are you, a tough guy, Steve? You think you're a fuckin' tough guy? Because you look like a premenstrual Filipino!

Fiona

Steve, go! Get out!

Steve

Hey, just go.

Frank

He's shitting his pants. Pussy.

Steve

You're pathetic, Frank.

Fiona

Get out now! I mean it!

Frank

Come on. Don't go. Come on. Puss, puss, puss, puss. What? You want to say something, pussy? Mr. Joe fucking...Ah, get the... Pussy.

Veronica

Ice.

Frank

It's a bloody nose. He's not dying.

Veronica

Really, Frank?

Frank

Anybody notice that I'm bleeding?

Fiona

How'd you get my dad to Toronto?

Steve

Me? Are you kidding?

Fiona

[Tosses cigarette pack] Canadian health warnings.

Steve

I, uh, smuggled him over the border in the trunk of my car. Uh, they didn't check going in.

Fiona

How'd you get him in the trunk?

Steve

He was so plastered, he would have jumped into a coffin.

Fiona

And why Canada?

Steve

Uh, I had to run a car to Detroit. Plan was dump him someplace weird in Michigan, Flint maybe. When I saw the signs for Toronto, the idea kind of just... snowballed.

Fiona

And you think it-it's funny?

Steve

No. Funny would have been Newfoundland.

Steve

And what exactly does "hooked up" mean?

Kev

Last time I checked, penis goes into vagina.

Fiona

Here's your burrito. Six-fifty.

Steve

Hey, keep the change.

Fiona

No, thanks.

Kevin

[He steps into shower] Oh, shit! That's cold! What the hell? Veronica! There's no hot water.

Veronica

What?

Kevin

[Notices toys and towels left by Carl] Fucking Gallaghers!

Fiona

Well, look at you, just letting yourself into people's houses.

Steve

Tall grande latte, two shots.

Fiona

Sugar?

Steve

Absolutely. Kids home?

Fiona

Mm... Boys're out getting a water heater, Debbie's at the park, Carl's out looking for small defenseless pets to torture, and Liam's down for a nap. So... No. I'm up to my ass in housework.

Steve

That's why I'm taking you to a long, deep, leisurely lunch.

Fiona

Lunch?

Steve

It's a euphemism.

Fiona

How quaint.

Steve

Or, would you like a Demon dog and a quick fuck over at the Sheridan?

Fiona

Liam?

Steve

Get a sitter.

Fiona

Costs too much.

Steve

How much?

Fiona

At least 50 bucks.

Fiona

You're not paying me to fuck you.

Steve

No, I couldn't pay you enough.

Fiona

Did you hear that?

Steve

No.

Fiona

You didn't hear that? You trying to change the subject?

Steve

Liam?

Fiona

He's too lazy to get out of his crib... He just yells.

Fiona

You stay with Liam.

Steve

Wait, wait, wait... You take the baby, I'll take the bat.

Fiona

Debbie! Jesus! Thought you went to the park.

Debbie

I... came back.

Fiona

Are you okay?

Debbie

Katie Crasden's having a party.

Fiona

Katie Crasden?

Debbie

Two streets over.

Steve

And she... didn't invite you?

Fiona

She's only three. What happened?

Debbie

Well, I was just walking past, and her dad, he...

Fiona

Her dad did what?

Debbie

He was laughing and playing with them, and it just... It wasn't fair.

Fiona

What wasn't fair? What?

Debbie

Everything. So I, I, um... I stole something.

Fiona

Oh... [Breathes sigh of relief] So nobody touched you?

Debbie

What?

Fiona

You nearly gave me a heart attack.

School principal

This is it?

Fiona

This is his brother. Uh, Phillip.

School principal

Very good to see you again, sir.

Fiona

Uh, Phillip is 17, I'm 21, uh, and while we may not be the legal guardians of our brother, we do supply him.

School principal

I told you I wanted to see a parent.

Fiona

We just opened the letter today.

I gave Carl the letter last week.

Steve

So you're relying on a nine-year-old to deliver important correspondence?

You don't seem to have a home phone.

Fiona

Carl is taken care of at home by loving siblings.

School principal

This is not up for negotiation. Your brother is on the verge of being expelled, and unfortunately, there are steps the state requires to be taken before he can be bounced, and a meeting with his legal guardian is the next step.

Fiona

Please, you can't do this. I mean, he loves school.

More potential victims here, I suppose.

Fiona

No, all his friends are here. Can you stop it? I'm serious. He needs more structure, we know.

School principal

What Carl needs is medication, a near-death experience, or a lobotomy.

School principal

I'm placing a call to social services. A home without a legal guardian is a home we cannot condone.

Steve

[He enters office] Hello all. Uh, sorry I was late. I got held up at the office. So, now that Fiona and I are engaged, I've filed the paperwork so that we can become the legal guardians of the children.

Do you realize Carl's report card has seven U's?

Fiona

Uh, U's?

As in unsatisfactory.

School principal

But don't think of U as in unsatisfactory. Think of U as in F.

Fiona

As in failed?

School principal

As in fucked. I am not a religious man, but every now and then, a child comes along who makes me believe in the existence of Satan. Now, something drastic must be done, or he's going to slip down through the cracks, right up into a clock tower with a sniper rifle.

Given our resources, he is beyond our ability to help.

Fiona

It's just a phase. And... now that we're aware of it...

School principal

Too late! This Norman Rockwell display might warm the cockles of some other fool who believes no fucking child, not even the budding psychotics, should be left behind, but the fact is, the sooner Carl is put in prison, the safer this world is gonna be.

Steve

More of a Mickey Hart fan when it comes to paintings? [Referring to terrapin turtle sculptures]

School principal

What? What's that? More of a Mickey Hart fan than a Norman Rockwell fan. Mickey Hart's an all right painter for a drummer.

Steve

Could you all excuse us for a second?

School principal

For what?

Steve

If we could just take a walk and talk in private? Get a breath of fresh air?

How long you been stealing cars?

Steve

Who says I steal them? [Tony slams breaks to bang Steve's face] Ow! Fuck!

You were in a Cayenne yesterday, hot-wiring a 911 today.

Steve

No, no, no. I lost my keys. Motherfucker!

How long?

Steve

As long as I've been fucking Fiona for. [Tony slams breaks to bang Steve's face] Oh, fuck!

Second place sucks, huh?

Steve

Think this is only about Fiona?

Well, it fuckin' seems that way!

Steve

Yeah?

It's also about the little operation you got going on.

Steve

Yeah, I could cut you in.

Oh, yeah? You bribing an officer?

Steve

Wait, wait. The way that I figure it, there's not much you can do. You bring me in, you risk Fiona hating you forever.

Yeah. Yeah, that's how I see it, too. So, uh, I'm gonna leave it up to you.

Steve

What the hell does that mean, huh?

Come here. You got two choices: You could turn yourself in, spend a couple of years in jail. Of course, by the time you get out, Fiona and I'll be married.

Steve

In your dreams. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait. What's the second choice?

You could save your ass.

Steve

How?

Disappear tonight. Walk away. Just leave everything behind. Don't go back to your house. Don't call her. Don't say good-bye. Just leave. But you have to decide right now.

Steve

Leave the lights off, please. Are Lip and Ian home?

Fiona

You bastard.

Steve

Are they out of jail?

Fiona

You gave them a stolen car?

Steve

Yeah, Lip asked me. To borrow one 'cause he needed to run some errands or something, and he asked me if I could... I have to leave town.

Fiona

Where the fuck have you been?

Steve

Come with me. Costa Rica. It's beautiful. I have friends there. Why do you have to go to the police? Costa Rica. We can rent a house on the beach.

Fiona

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Steve

The kids would be all right. Lip and Ian can run things. Yeah, Debbie? Carl? Liam? Kev and V can still help around here.

Fiona

Is that what you actually think this is? Like, people popping in, feeding dogs? How much time will you get if you turn yourself in?

Steve

Look at me. I can't go to jail. I might as well wear heels. Come with me, Fiona. How long is it gonna be about them and not about you? When are you gonna finally do something for yourself? Liam's two. 16 more years till he's out of the house. You'll be what, 37, 38? And who says that Frank's done dumping babies in your lap to raise? You deserve a life of your own. Costa Rica. Then maybe Rio. Have you ever been to Rio? You ever been outside of Chicago? I love you. I want to be with you. It's not forever. We'll come back. Three months. Six months. Maybe a year.You can call them very single day. Come with me, Fiona. Come with me. First class. Miami out of O'Hare, tomorrow afternoon.

Fiona

Well, I don't have a passport.

Steve

We'll get one in Miami. I'll meet you at O'Hare tomorrow afternoon. the American terminal. I love you.

Lip

He's right. You should go, Fiona. You've done more than enough. We'll be all right.

Kevin

[Snorts cocaine] Whoo! Whoo, that shit is awesome!

Should have been hanging with me sooner. It was snowing all summer in Chicago. [Kevin laughs]

Steve

[Shows up with Estefania] So this is where the party's at.

Kevin

What's up, you dirty fucker?! How's it hanging?!

Steve

Long and hairy, hard to carry! [Kevin laughs]

Kevin

[Laughs] I miss you, man!

Steve

Sure that's not the drugs talking?!

Kevin

It might be! [Laughs]

Steve

You remember Kev and the gang, right?

[Greets in Portuguese] Hola!

[Jumps up] Ooh, I love this song! Estefania, let's go dance! Have you ever heard of Jell-O shots?! Ooh, you are so sexy! Come here! [Takes Estefania away]

Kevin

What are you waiting for?! Drop trou! Jump in!

Steve

All right.

Kevin

[Veronica splashes him] What?!

Fiona

Oh.... [Laughs]

Veronica

Ooh!

Steve

What'd you expect? I've been in Brazil for months.

Kevin

Ah....

Steve

[Gets in jacuzzi and to Fiona] Hey. All right. [Fiona gets up out of jacuzzi] Where are you going? I thought you said we were totally cool.

Kevin

I like your bathing suit.

Steve

Thank you.

Frank

Walked in on my mother and my sixth-grade teacher having sex once. That'll teach you not to play hooky. My mother's nipples were the size of sand dollars. She was on top, riding him. He's underneath, bucking like a horse who knows it's headed for the glue factory. She didn't even tell me to leave the room.

Debbie

Tell Fiona you're coaching, Jimmy?

Steve

Don't you tell her everything for me?

Debbie

Family first. Those of us with only one name find that easy to remember. Haven't told her about this, because I wasn't sure you were going to show up.

Steve

You know, I'm just trying to give back to the community, help some disadvantaged kids learn a great American sport.

[In Portuguese] He's said he's coaching football but no one is using their feet.

Carl

Yo. When do we get to tackle?

Steve

Soon. Take a knee. All right, boys. Football is all about who wants it more. When you tackle, aim low, hit hard! Who thinks they're man enough to take me down? Huh?

Debbie

You don't have pads on.

Steve

We're just... we're doing a walk-through. Okay? [Carl tackles Steve to the ground] Clean hit. I like it. [All boys laugh]

Frank

Oh... [sighs] I wish I'd had a girl coach. I'd totally tap that.

Yeah. I love long hair.

Frank

No, no, no. The one with the little brunette pixieish cut. Like a 1963 brunette Mia Farrow. No titties, all ass. Just sit and spin her all night long. Heaven.

I- I think that's a dude.

Steve

Whoa, you know Portuguese?

Lip

Yeah, it's like Italian. She says if you don't find Marco alive, she's gonna call her father. Hope you're not wed to your eyes or your tongue. Or your dick.