Your sister coming again this morning?
LipShe said she was, yeah. Tami's dad showed up at my house this morning.
Lip
Yeah.
Lip
Wants to know my plan.
Lip
No. Tami's made it very clear that I'm not allowed to have one.
Don't fuck with Bob. He's tougher than he looks.
Lip
He said Tami's definitely having the baby.
That's the Tamiettis. Old-school Catholics. Big families and fish on Fridays. She tell you she was going to see a doctor today?
Lip
No.
This afternoon. Asked Cami to go, but she's working until 6:00.
Lip
W- what kind of doctor? Did she say?
Nope. Tami likes to stick it to her dad. Could be she's getting ready to solve your problem.
Lip
He sleep here?
I think so. I didn't tuck him in or anything.
Here's your bedpan back. Don't use it again till someone else can get it.
Lip
Hey. Catch a meeting later? I think I'm gonna do an Al-Anon meeting again today.
All right, well, let us know if you think it's worthwhile.
Lip
We could turn it into a fun-filled activity for the whole family. [Goes out side door]
Lip
Hey. What's up?
Doctor's office called. They want me to call them back at noon, uh, go over the results of my test with them.
Lip
What time is it now?
Five of. I just thought I should, uh, be with someone in case I try to jump off a roof or throw myself in front of a bus or something.
Lip
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Hey, Tami. How you doing?
It's none of your fucking business, Brad.
Okay. Come on. I'll find someplace to make that call.
[On phone] Yeah, I understand. Right. Great. Yeah. No, thank you. [Sighs] Let me think it over. Uh-huh. [Hangs up and sighs] Positive. BRCA1. It's good.
Lip
That's... That's "baby good," right?
Lip
So I don't have to worry about you trying to find any tall buildings or anything?
Lip
Okay.
I'm actually afraid of heights. Shotgun in the bathtub's more my style. [Sighs] Fuck! I don't want to have a baby just to save my tits!
[Exhales sharply] Okay. I gotta have an abortion. I mean, I work in a hair salon. I breathe bleach fumes all day. This baby's gonna come out with, like, five heads and a dorsal fin.
Lip
Tami. Tami, Tami. Hey, breathe. Breathe. All right? Good. If having the baby reduces the chances of cancer, maybe you should have the baby.
And what? Die on the kid when it's 13, like my mom did to me? Leave it an orphan?
Lip
It wouldn't be an orphan.
Right, because you're gonna take care of it.
Lip
Yeah, I would.
And what about when you die, too, Lip? You know, the way you smoke cigarettes, it'll be a miracle if you make it to 40.
Lip
I'll quit.
Lip
She wants to have sex all the time. All right, three times last night and again this morning.
No hemorrhoids or problems with the mucus plug?
Lip
What's a mucus plug?
You'd know if you'd had a problem with it.
Lip
You know, I never thought I'd be complaining about having this much sex.
Enjoy it while you can. Cami didn't want me to touch her for months after Miles was born.
Lip
Oh, that's the thing, she's so fucking nice to me all the time. You know, it's all honey, sweetie. She called me boo this morning. I mean, it's "alien abduction movie" creepy. I don't like it.
It won't last. Once the baby's born, with the sleep deprivation, the postpartum craziness, and Tami being kind of a bitch, it's gonna be a rough ride, my friend.
Lip
Is that valves?
Hmm, and rings. Cami's making a list of stuff she thinks you still need to buy before your baby gets here.
Lip
Oh, come on, man. Really? Wha- what about all the shit we got at the baby shower? The expensive stuff nobody around here can afford to give at a shower.
It's a fancy breast pump, baby video monitor that connects to your phone, some Scandinavian car seat-stroller combo thing.
Lip
I grew up around a ton of kids. I never had any of that shit. You know, Frank wouldn't even buy us diapers half the time. He'd tape garbage bags around us, hose us off in the backyard before bedtime.
Lip
No, but close.
[To Debbie at kitchen table] I thought you already had a job.
I do. Well, I did, but we're on strike. And when you're on strike, you don't get paid. So now, I'm looking for another job.
An excuse not to work until management agrees to pay you more and work you less.
Lip
[Kicking beer bottles while entering kitchen with Freddie] Fսcking Frank.
But the Union still wants us to walk around for four hours a day with a sign, chanting shit.
[Referring to picket signs behind Debbie] Is that what those are for?
Yeah. [To Lip getting milk products out of fridge] Hi.
Lip
Hi. There we go.
Lip
What? No, no, no. That thing really made an impression on people, huh?
Lip
Hey.
WWoman
I actually started boiling some cabbage.
PPaige
You're new. What's your name?
Lip
Uh, me- Lip. I got a baby, uh, boy.
PPaige
Welcome. This is a safe space.
Lip
Thank you.
GGina
Totally. Does your wife work or...
Lip
Oh, no, we're- we're not married, actually.
Lip
Um. Yeah, she's still in the hospital, um...
PPaige
Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?
Lip
A C-section. Uh, there were some complications.
PPaige
Hope she makes it.
Lip
Yeah, she's, uh- she's out of ICU. She's getting better.
PPaige
Poor thing. Can I bring you dinner?
Lip
No. Thank you, though. That's very nice.
PPaige
You sure? Yeah, yeah. No. I'd be happy to.
GGina
You don't want that dinner. Woman can't warm up a Hot Pocket. Let me give you my number in case you need anything.
Lip
Anything. What's your number?
PPaige
My number is: I like anal.
Lip
Hey, whoa. Thank you, Paige.
SSarah
Okay, why don't we get started? We're here because being a new parent is hard. Being a new parent while trying to stay sober- Harder than my dіck at a Bublé concert. Point is, as a sober mother myself, I know what you're going through. All you wanna do is drink a fifth, house a lasagna, and hide in a dumpster until that baby stops crying. [Sniffles] Sarah: And that's why we're here, to learn how to raise strong, independent children, and to take care of ourselves. I have three beautiful children, and last week, I read a book.
Lip
Wow.
GGina
You fսcking kidding me?
PPaige
How do you have the time?
SSarah
You know, Paige, I put myself first. That's how. In the words of Gandhi; "fսck everybody". Self-sufficient children are happy children.
Lip
[On phone] Hi, how's it going?
I dropped him in a pile of beer bottles. Broken glass everywhere. Franny's giving him mouth-to-mouth, but it's not looking good.
Lip
That why he's screaming?
He's screaming because he's a baby, Lip. Bye. [Hangs up and makes a totally unimpressed face]
Lip
Hey. How was prison? Turn you gay?
Yeah, I'm a big ol' cock hound now. You know, if you weren't my brother, I'd-
GGuard
Shut the fսck up and get out here.
Lip
It's crème brûlée, actually. Got one of these vape things from Carl. Trying to quit smoking for Fred.
Aren't those things worse for you?
Lip
Yeah, you know they market these to kids, you know? Bastards would have one in Fred's hand if he could hold anything bigger than a rattle.
Where is the little guy, huh?
Lip
May or may not be lying in a pile of glass. Huh? He's with Tami. She wanted to take care of him alone today.
Oh. Sorta hoping you'd bring him.
Lip
Yeah, I would have felt better if I did. Tami's not exactly a natural caretaker. But, hey, what do you wanna do, huh? Wanna get some White Castle or...
Ah, you know, actually, just want to head home, see everybody, meet the kid. I missed everyone.
Lip
Soft bitch.
The fսck you got a lady car?
Lip
Well, it's Tami's car. It's kinda cute, though, right?
Oh, we're saying words like, "cute" now, are we, Pops, huh? Yeah, we're saying words like "cute."
Lip
[Walking with Tami pushing Freddie in a stroller] Hey, you think maybe we went a little overboard? I mean, well, it is summer.
Well, I guess I could take off the parka.
Lip
Yeah.
Lip
All right. What? What? No, I'm-- I'm happy we're doing this together.
Lip
All right. There they are. They're gonna hate me.
What? Why did I agree to this again?
Lip
Hey, look, you'll be fine. All right? I'll make the intro, then I'll take off. You can connect mom-to-mom. You know, just... share your mom stuff. [Lip greets other woman of support group and introduces Tami to them]
PPepa
Debbie Gallagher, come get your kid!
Hey, Pepa. What's going on? Supposed to pick her up tonight.
PPepa
Yeah, well, here's your demon child. She set my couch on fire, ate a pound of raw hamburger meat, and bit off the tip of my son's middle toe.
Oh, my goodness. That does not sound like my sweet Franny bear at all.
PPepa
Cut the horseshit, Debbie. You know, you're the worst mother on the planet. You don't think that's kind of cruel?
PPepa
Here's your death benefit money. I never wanna see you or your Children of the Corn daughter ever again.
Don't be a stranger, Pepa! You're welcome back for dinner sometime!
Lip
Hey, what was all that about? And who is this?
Derek's wife, Pepa, tried to screw me out of Derek's death benefit, so Bella over here was pretending to be Franny so I could get my share of Derek's money.
Lip
I followed none of that, and I'm too tired to care.
Here. Hi! Come here. Good girl. Right there. Bella! We're not at Pepa's house anymore. We don't eat like animals here. Spoon.
Lip
Oh, and one of us has to go to the store today and get more diaper cream 'cause his rash is now halfway up his back.
Oh, yeah. Talk dirty to me. [Laughs]
Lip
Wait. Wait. You said it's worse than yesterday.
Lip
Fred's rash.
Lip
Hey. No.
His ass is fine. And your ass is fine. [Giggles]
Lip
Yeah. It's just--sorry. It's just, the new daycare says they can't take him if he's sick.
It's diaper rash. It's not the bubonic plague. All babies have diaper rash.
Lip
Okay. [Tami giggles] Mm, maybe we should get it checked out, though.
[Pulls open shower curtain of Lip ablutions] Hey, you seen this? Jesus! It's the hospital bill. Childbirth, emergency surgery, ICU...
Lip
How much?
Lip
Wow.
That's after insurance. I mean, how are we gonna pay this? [Hands Lip a towel and he sighs] Here.
Lip
That's easy. We're not. We already brought him home. What are they gonna do? Take him back?
Well, they delivered our baby and saved my life.
Lip
Yeah, and that was their choice. They didn't give me the option of leaving Fred in the oven or letting you die on the operating table.
So you would've let me die?
Lip
I mean, if I knew it was gonna cost us four grand...
...yeah, maybe. [Chuckles] Look, we have to pay this.
Lip
Tami, no, we don't.
Isn't not paying your bills stealing?
Lip
No. Charging us money while your life is on the line, that's extortion. Right? Hmm. We're, uh, Robin Hooding, you know? We're stealing from the rich, giving to the poor.
Lip
Yeah, but I'm poor.
So, what, so you steal stuff?
Lip
Sometimes.
Lip
[Chuckles] I don't know. It's a long list.
Okay, well, like, uh, food from the grocery store?
Lip
Yeah, like food from anywhere.
Lip
[Sigh] That a real question?
Lip
No. But, uh, never say never.
Lip
"Wow" what?
No, you're just... exactly the role model I always wanted for my kid.
TNTV news reporter
Next up, a Florida man was found dead today, facedown in the lobster tank of a Tampa grocery store.
OOopie
[Setting down bowls of cereal] Here you go. A proper breakfast. The sugar in this cereal will kill you. In your case, however, I suspect that your lifestyle will kill you before your diet does.
Was that Mickey this morning?
With a twink named Byron.
You know, like Ms. Del Rey's kid. Yoga pants and glitter. Eh, not always. But yeah, sure.
So if you tell someone you're not marrying them, that means they can sleep with other people?
No. But Mickey's emotional IQ is lower than Carl's actual IQ.
Shit. You're fսckеd, dude.
Nah, he'll work it out of his system and we'll talk it out like adults. It'll be fine.
[Comes in door with Lip] Hang on to your wallets, everyone. Lip is here.
OOopie
Oh, there's my gorgeous niece. Prettier- mwah- than Megyn Kelly and smarter too. Oh, objectified by America and sexually harassed by your bosses? It's every girl's dream. Megyn Kelly? A blonde news host.
She thinks Santa's white.
Lip
Hey, did I hear a girly bike pull up this morning?
Lip
Oh, so you leaving him at the altar, that's become a thing, huh?
I- I didn't leave him at the altar.
LLLiam and Lip
Yes, you did.
I mean... It was City Hall. We were only getting married to outsmart the cops.
OOopie
You made the right decision. Marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.
What's that smell? Self-righteousness.
No. The air smells...clean.
Where is Frank? Haven't seen him in a while.
Lip
Enjoy it while it lasts. He'll be back to stinking up the place in no time, right? [Sets do Freddie in kiddie pen] Oh, there you go.
Shameless · 903 quotes
